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Son being bullied

(12 Posts)
Stuffragette Tue 09-May-17 08:17:16

I'm after a bit of advice really. My son is in a state boys school in London. When we went to the open day last year we were really impressed. He started in September and made some good friends. He's doing ok academically but it's only year 7 so ok with that. The problem is there are a group of boys who are continually picking on him. There have been several incidents where he has been reduced to tears in class. My son is a child who wears his heart on his sleeve. I think they've figured that out. All his best mates are in different tutor groups. He recently confided in me that he thinks he's gay. I've got him to write down exactly what happens on these occasions and WARNING there's a few bad swear words.

I've got a good dialogue going with head of pastoral but bear in mind that this has been happening on and off for the past 6 months, not much has been happening. TBH I want to scoop him up out of that school and run away. But I know this is not how I should deal with things.

If anyone has any advice/thoughts on this I'd really appreciate it. I'm starting to feel so worn down by it, and so is he.

Below is the text. Thanks in advance

“They started to shove me and one of them punched me in the chest. They started insulting me and my family. They were using foul words, and one of them was a very abusive word (Oliver couldn’t tell me what this was) and it upset me a lot. Then they started throwing my stuff around, first my water bottle, then my books and pencils. They played football with my bottle. The called me faggot and cunt."

JellySubmarine Tue 09-May-17 09:14:51

I think you need to see the head of pastoral and potentially the deputy head or head to make a plan to ensure that this cannot happen again. For example can he change tutor groups - this is abusive language which should not be tolerated and they need to stamp on any bullying just because he may be gay immediately . Really feel for you. Good luck x

Traalaa Tue 09-May-17 09:16:12

That is totally unacceptable. Your poor son! My son's in an inner London London comp and they really clamp down on any such behaviour. What happens when your son cries in class? Do none of the teachers notice or do anything? I'd say you need to make a formal appointment, then insist on a more formalised plan of action. So find out exactly what the school are going to do to tackle it, but also what your son needs to know to do if it happens again. You could suggest he has a member of staff who he likes and trusts that he can go to as well.

MuseumGardens Tue 09-May-17 09:37:21

I agree with the replies so far. Perhaps a move to a different class with his best mates might be a good idea too away from these pieces of work.

Traalaa Tue 09-May-17 09:45:32

Just on your DS maybe being gay, my son told me a while ago that one of his friends is gay. The boy apparently confided it to a girl, who'd then told the others. I was concerned they were being mean, but DS looked outraged and said she'd told them because she wanted to support him and make sure nobody gave him a hard time. These are year 8 kids, so not that much older than your son. DS said some kids at his school might give someone a hard time for being gay, but they couldn't do so openly as it was against school rules and if they did the others wouldn't tolerate it anyway as being gay's not a big deal. I hope that's not unusual, but I thought I'd let you know in case it's reassuring!

tiggytape Tue 09-May-17 09:46:48

Definitely agree that you need to make the school aware of both the physical and verbal bullying. Don't be shy about spelling out how abusive the bullying has got.Both are completely unacceptable.
I'm pretty sure the staff will be equally horrified and hopefully it will mean that your DS can move tutor group. Have you asked whether this is possible?

Stuffragette Tue 09-May-17 10:28:02

Thanks all. It's so nice to hear that it is bullying and not my son and I making a fuss. I've emailed head of pastoral who is also deputy head. We were supposed to be meeting tomorrow but I've not heard back from him yet.

I feel sad for my son and I also feel sad about these boys who have grown up in an environment where it's ok to behave like this.

Yey for Mumsnet. You're making me feel better in this shit situation.

SuperPug Tue 09-May-17 10:33:53

Depending on the school, it is not out of the ordinary for serious bullying to result in an expulsion.
Definitely get him moved to another form - there's no reason why they can't accommodate this, under the circumstances.
TBH, I don't have any time for deputy heads who just have lots and lots of "talks"with bullies like the one you've mentioned. Sorry, I'm not assuming your deputy head is like this. I think you need to ascertain where this is going. What is being done with them? What is the end result?

SuperPug Tue 09-May-17 10:35:28

You know what, it's not always the environment. Lovely parents, good family background but not a very nice child. I don't think it's wrong to say that some children/teenagers aren't very nice human beings and look to everyone but themselves for an excuse.

Rudi44 Tue 09-May-17 22:53:15

I definitely agree with the above comment. I think it's very generous of you to have empathy with these kids but if I were you I would suspend that for the moment and really push for the school to take this as seriously as they should, in the long run you are doing these kids a favour if the school demonstrates that this behaviour won't be tolerated. I cannot imagine how dreadful this is for your poor DS to go through this, bullying of any kind is horrendous but racial or homophobic bullying really turns my stomach.
How great though that your son has been able to open up to you and express he thinks he may be gay. You need to now be his advocate and ensure that this isn't allowed to continue

Stuffragette Thu 11-May-17 11:07:56

Hi Rudi, thanks those are wise words. The school has ofsted in at the mo, yesterday and today. I found it very hard to be positive about the school on the parent questionnaire. My friend has put me in touch with one of her friends, does young people mentoring, so my ds is going to spend some time with him to get a few resilience tips. Although I refuse to pay the blame at ds's feet.

Heirhelp Thu 11-May-17 12:16:46

Tell Ofsted the truth.

As this is a continuing issue I would be meting with the head and be asking

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