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The 'popular people' at Secondary School DD getting left behind

(19 Posts)
Brighteyes27 Wed 08-Mar-17 23:47:15

DD started Secondary School this year. She met some girls from another class from her old primary school in July and the friendships, walking to and from school, hanging out together has been lovely and lasted until last week.
Last week DD phoned me to ask for a lift home as out of the blue her friends were all going to watch a fight. Basically another girl from their primary is into boys and her old 'really hard' BF had challenged her new slightly less hard BF to a fight all the 'popular people' were going to watch the fight including her friends who we thought were nice girls. Since then Dd's friends have been walking to school with her but acting hard at lunch time trying to get in with the 'popular people' (the mouthy girls with BF's). At first they ignored DD at lunch time but as the week has progressed they are now excluding DD from sitting at their lunch table and she says they are being nasty but won't say what has been said. Yesterday they went to watch another fight two popular girls fighting over a boy!! Tonight they had been so nasty DD phoned me and asked for a lift home I was off today so obliged. I told her to let the girls know she wasn't walking home say she had an appointment after school which she said as she showed me the text. They (3 of them) then proceeded to phone her asking where she was she had told a white lie saying she had an appointment after school and they continued messaging and calling her, fake crying and laughing asking why she wasn't walking with them and they were upset she was being nasty and wasn't their friend etc. I have told her to move on and keep away find other girls as they are not worth it. WWYD without making things any worse. DD seems relatively ok with it but we are sad for her.
DD has other interests outside of school but has no other friends to walk the mile to and from school with and no other friends to hang out with at lunch time or after school apart from these lot. It is a very popular school so everyone walks in big cliques from our end of town. The girls aren't in her form but she does get lunch breaks with them until Easter hols. Thanks

EdithWharton Wed 08-Mar-17 23:57:36

OP, maybe I'm misunderstanding your post, but are you actually wanting your daughter to form friendships with girls whose idea of a normal after-school activity is watching pairs of twelve year old girls beat one another up???

Bensyster Thu 09-Mar-17 07:33:33

Suggest your dd forms new friendships. I know it's not easy, my dd went through it too but she's now settled into a really nice group. Lunchtimes and break times can be spent in the library doing homework. School runs lunchtime clubs too which helps with meeting new friends and the unstructured time over lunch.

troutsprout Thu 09-Mar-17 07:41:59

Op..you've told her to move on ..are there other children that she is friendly with ? Are there other girls from her old primary rather than this one group? Perhaps there is a way in there? Sometimes it's just having the courage to ask isn't it ?.
Do ALL of the girls in the group feel the same? Or is there potentially another who feels like your daughter who may also want to break away?
I'm guessing the tricky bit is the walk to school though isn't it? She's going to have to navigate the old group as well every day. Is there a perhaps a different route past via a different girls house?
It's a really good sign that she seems relatively ok with it.. I hope it settles for her soon.

InfiniteCurve Thu 09-Mar-17 07:50:13

Well,if "popular" means bitchy and into fighting over boys/ watching boys fight I would be over the moon that my daughter wasn't in that group.
There will be other people she can be friends with though it may take a while,I would go for lots of support and positivity at home and agree with the PP who said perhaps find a different route for walking to school.
Upsetting for your DD though.

Brighteyes27 Thu 09-Mar-17 08:04:12

I am so proud of her for standing up to them and not going along with it as she isn't confident normally. The girls were lovely up until last week but no I don't want her to be friends with them now or get involved in this. No other safe route to school unfortunately. Anyone on their own stands out like a sore thumb and is an easy target for bullies cheek etc. I will adjust my hours and drive her for the time being. Thanks all

yorkshirepuddingandroastbeef Thu 09-Mar-17 08:24:44

I would just encourage her to find new friends.

It took me a long time to realise that you don't need to be friends with everyone. Also, it's better to have no friends rather than ones who fight and bitch.

Sounds pretty awful. Is this a rough school?

Brighteyes27 Thu 09-Mar-17 08:32:50

It's one of the better comprehensives here. It's mixed some very bright kids and reasonably well off kids go. Most families there are more affluent than with other schools here but you go get some other kids from scummy backgrounds going. I just can't understand why three nice girls from nice homes and families, in a nice area would want to lower themselves to bitching, insulting, social exclusion of my DD their loyal friend for the last 7 months to go and watch fights, brag about it lie to their parents just to please a Scum bag popular Chav chic in their form just to be popular. I know I have done the right thing supporting DD and encouraging her I took her for a hot choc somewhere swanky after school last night. It's just so hard.

Brighteyes27 Thu 09-Mar-17 08:49:54

Think the girls also lying to their parents and other girls from primary as to why they've fallen out saying DD being mean to them etc. She normally calls for the on a morning but I gave her a lift today and a lift home the last two nights.

TeenAndTween Thu 09-Mar-17 10:59:37

The book Queen Bees and Wannabes might help.

She needs to find new friends. Are there any lunchtime or afterschool clubs she can join? If you consider their behaviour has tipped over from mean to bullying then her form tutor needs to know (might be helpful to let tutor know anyway).

Can she leave for school 5 mins earlier or later?

pinkish Thu 09-Mar-17 11:20:31

God, we have a similar situation and are currently driving dd to school - she has various easier options after school but we pick up some of the time.

Your dd sounds a lot nicer than her friends and has had the wisdom to bow out of the mob mentality that seems to go on. some of these girls will bow out too once the horrible novelty wears off. I'd also be prepared to chat to the school (I did, informally and off the record, to find out what would happen if dd asked for help; it was so useful, and dd soon decided to get help herself).

pinkish Thu 09-Mar-17 11:21:02

We also have that book - the film Mean Girls is based on it and is really useful

Floggingmolly Thu 09-Mar-17 11:23:51

It sounds like a scene from Lord of the Flies. Are you actually happy with the school? It sounds like a disaster

PortiaCastis Thu 09-Mar-17 11:26:51

Hopefully your dd doesn't use the same adjectives as you. Calling schoolkids scumbags is rather offensive

JonesyAndTheSalad Thu 09-Mar-17 11:27:41

My DD walks alone every day as nobody lives on our route. That's not an issue in itself OP. The main thing to remember is that this is to some extent normal...your DD is finding out about people who aren't what they seem.

She will need to be strong and perhaps join some lunchtime clubs.

nocampinghere Thu 09-Mar-17 11:29:41

firstly you should be proud of her that she has done the right thing, it's always easier to "go along" with your "friends" rather than turn away.

definitely let the form teacher know, not to complain, just for information / they can keep an eye.

keep supporting her with lifts / encourage her to do activities so she is busy, use the library, lots of safe spaces where they won't be. they'll forget about her after a while or hopefully one or two others may come and join her / have the courage to get away. I'd advise her just to keep away from them, not necessarily make a stand or join in any bitching about them as it may be a trap.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Thu 09-Mar-17 11:32:53

Since when do you have to be from a scummy background to be a bitch??

alltouchedout Thu 09-Mar-17 14:14:56

OP, I went to a school where being 'hard' was a big deal and endless fights were the norm. It was a large comp in a deprived town, but I assure you, it was not only the kids from the more deprived families who were involved. Not by a long shot.

And I tell you now why 'nice girls from nice homes and nice families' will want to be involved. One, because being from a more affluent background does not automatically make you a nice person. Two, because the easiest way to survive in a violent school often seems to be to get in with the hard crowd- same reason kids join gangs, it's for protection. It's not the best move long term but how many 11 and 12 year olds see that? They just see that "Doris and her lot kick the shit out of people, so if I want not to be the ones who Doris and her lot kick the shit out of I'd better be friends with them".

Brighteyes27 Thu 09-Mar-17 16:31:14

Portiacastis- are you for real!! Give yourself a shake.

My DD is lovely and always sees the best in people and often gives people chance after chance. I feel sad and hurt for my DD and proud of her for not going with the mob.

Today two of the girls have ignored her, sniggered behind her back, asked her who she is walking to school with now your mum or your best friend x (a girl with disabilities and special needs DD has been sitting with as everyone else is in cliques). They're also telling others it's her that's being meant them!!! No doubt paving the way in case her parents get wind she didn't want to go to watch a fight with them and didn't want to lie to me in order to go and that was really the catalyst that turned them against her.

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