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Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Secondary education

Wendying/subversive bullying? Need help either way please.

42 replies

user1486737884 · 10/02/2017 15:13

I hope I can make this coherent as I'm a bit stressed myself..
I have a dd in year 10, absent from school today due to being incredibly upset by a girl in her form. (I'll call her Jane)
We have had issues with this girl previously, she seemd to dislike my dd from the start. On returning to school after a 4 month absence due to illness, the two friends she had, told her she was not welcome in their group as a new person ( J) had joined them and they were happy as a threesome.
My dd struggled making new friends, she is socially quite shy and had some physical limitations which excluded her from many activities. Meanwhile J was doing everything she could to make sure my dd was excluded from as much as possible, whilst also inventing stories to the head of year to suggest my dd was being nasty.
About a year ago,there was a small physical altercation where she pushed my dd.
School were not helpful as they said it was one person's word against the other. My dd has bumbled along and then this year seemed to find some new friends as the classes have become more mixed.
This week my dd received a text out of the blue from one of her friends saying that after speaking to Jane, they had decided to end the friendship due to my dd being toxic. Other girls have followed suit, my dd has no idea what has happened and no one will tell her.
She also found out that Jane has previously tried to entrap her into saying things about other people whilst trying to record it on her mobile phone on the bus home so that other people can hear it.
Fortunately my dd didn't say anything.
She received a text from Jane this week saying, "No point in going to the head, what are you going to say? nobody wants to be my friend"
My dh wants to see the school, but we are well aware that this girl hasn't really done anything she can be called out on, my dd has no allies and is asking that we take her out of school because she just can't cope with being lonely any more.
If you have any advice I would be very appreciative.

OP posts:

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Allthebestnamesareused · 10/02/2017 15:26

I haven't any advice to give but didn't want to run and leave.

Perhaps also try the Parenting board?

user1486737884 · 10/02/2017 15:26

Oh thank you.
I didn't know quite the best place for this.

OP posts:

Chottie · 10/02/2017 15:32

What a cow!

I would be making an appointment with the HoY and show her all the texts your DD has received. Have you looked on the school website for their anti bullying policies? I would be checking these through prior to the school visit so I could refer back to them and ensure the school was following their own procedures.

I was bullied at school by another girl when I was about 11 / 12 and it awful, I have huge sympathies for your DD.

Witchend · 10/02/2017 15:34

I think showing the text to the head would show that there's more to it than just straight A and B don't get on.

user1486737884 · 10/02/2017 15:38

We are not feeling particularly confident about the school's response.
We have previously spoken to them and they said the school 'can't force friendships'
The fact they were so useless after the pushing incident doesn't help either, my dd was 5 months out of spinal surgery.
I will check bullying policy though.
I suspect Jane is right though, we can hardly say, nobody wants to be her friend what can you do about it?

OP posts:

user1486737884 · 10/02/2017 15:40

We recommended she blocked Jane's number, dh just found out she deleted the texts, he is is trying hard not to go mad.

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Witchend · 10/02/2017 15:44

Another option is do you know any other parents in the year that you could talk to?
If you can find out what's happening-preferably if they would be prepared to go in and say what their child has said, then the school may be more prepared to listen.

cowgirlsareforever · 10/02/2017 15:47

What do you mean by 'called out on'?

Your dd is having issues at school which are very damaging to her and all are instigated by Jane. I would definitely be speaking to school. Is there a disablist element to the bullying?
Please don't forget that socially isolating a child is a real form of bullying.

user1486737884 · 10/02/2017 15:51

No disablist element. She looks fairly 'normal' now if you'll pardon the expression.
She is quite devastated that something so bad has been said about her that they have cut all ties, but won't even allow her to know what's going on.

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user1486737884 · 10/02/2017 20:51

Bumping for any more ideas as to how I present this to school, or not?

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VintagePerfumista · 10/02/2017 20:57

Your dd has deleted all the texts that you could have shown the school?

It certainly sounds like Jane needs a good wallop is bullying her, but I can see how the school will be reluctant to do anything if there is no proof.

Was she forced to delete the texts do you think?

How horrible. for your dd.

Liminalstate · 10/02/2017 21:06

I haven't got any advice from personal experience but this website looks useful www.bullying.co.uk/bullying-at-school/advice-on-contacting-your-child-s-school-about-bullying/ it goes through the process of complaining and what the school should do, and what you as a parent can do if the school doesn't respond appropriately. I really hope you get a better response from the school this time. Your poor dd should not have to suffer this, I remember being 'sent to Coventry' at school and how lonely and isolated I felt. for you and your dd.

user1486737884 · 10/02/2017 21:08

No I don't think so,
we suggested she blocked her number but instead she just deleted all texts as she wanted to get rid of everything making her sad.
I think it was a spur of the moment thing when she was upset, she now realises it was bloody stupid.
She doesn't want us to contact school in case it makes things worse. She says jane is an amazing liar, can turn on the tears and lie more convincingly than my dd tells the truth.

OP posts:

cowgirlsareforever · 10/02/2017 21:11

Children will always ask their parents not to speak to school. However, things will never improve for her unless you address this with the school.

user1486737884 · 10/02/2017 21:15

Thanks Liminalstate, that website looks very useful.

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JoJoSM2 · 11/02/2017 00:44

This reply has been deleted

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VintagePerfumista · 11/02/2017 06:12

You've never seen/witnessed bullying at school Jo, simply because someone's face doesn't fit?

Well, lucky you.

Topnotes · 11/02/2017 06:41

Start with the school's policy in anti-bullying, it should be on their web-site - if not,ask them for it. My SIL had a similar situation with her DD. She was getting bullied by a girl in her class and SIL went to the school to talk to them about it as it was horrible and causing big problems for DN. The school offered to move DN into another class, which she didn't really want to happen. The policy stated that the troublemaker would be moved classes - SIL took the policy and showed it to them. So that is what happened - troublemaker got moved and DN could get on with the business of learning in peace

SallyGinnamon · 11/02/2017 06:58

Jo Jo having worked in a school I've seen just that.

It is perfectly possible for a lovely girl to be excluded if a bully chooses to turn the screws.

SallyGinnamon · 11/02/2017 06:59

Is it possible to contact the phone company to try and get texts back?

sandgrown · 11/02/2017 07:08

Whilst it won't help necessarily help with school please get your daughter to contact Childline by phone or online. One of the counsellors will speak to her about the bullying and talk through ways to deal with it. I would ask to see the pastoral support teacher at school. They need to know what is happening.

Crispmonster1 · 11/02/2017 07:24

I would have an appointment with Head or Head of Year and explain exactly what you have told us. Clearly there is some level of bullying and harassment. The school have a duty of care to pupils social and emotional welfare and this would fit into it. I'm so sorry your DD is having these issues. I hope it resolves soon and she find friends worthy of her.

cansu · 11/02/2017 07:41

I would write a letter detailing what has happened. Mention the anti bullying policy and the fact that this has happened before. Refer to origibal complaints. If the hoy is any good she will interview the former friend and get the info that Jane is behind it. If you dont get anywhere I would also consider a move either of class especially if this will remove Jane from all her classes or even a new school to give her a fresh start.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 · 11/02/2017 07:42

First off I would email or send a letter (registered) to the head, advise him of previous incidents and the incidents that are now ongoing, advise the school of their Hunan Rights obligations and the fact that the school should be free from torture for your daughter, and failure to take action on.m behalf of your daughter means that she is still getting tortured in school.

Give them two weeks, if head hasn't taken action start speaking to the Local Authority about his inaction.

I would also consider copying Janes parents in on what action you are considering.

Harassment legislation and contacting Police may also assist see

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1997/40/contents

DriftingDreamer · 11/02/2017 08:45

I would keep Jane's parents out of it and deal with school directly.
Form tutor, Head of year, Head of House....
Good luck. Sounds horrible...

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