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Y7 How to 'not encourage' old primary friend.

(5 Posts)
oklumberjack Wed 12-Oct-16 12:37:42

Forgive the weirdly titled post. It'll be hard to explain properly I think. I'm currently on a Y7 starters thread but I'd like to get opinions from parents that have been through these years too.

Anyway, dd has started Y7 at a school where she is only one of 2 pupils from her primary. The school put them in the same tutor group. They have lots of lessons in their tutor group but settled for Maths athough they'll be mixed up again as they progress in future.

Dd has settled well. Taken to the school work and organising herself brilliantly. Her only wobbles are socially. Although she has people to talk to and sit with she's not made any deeper friendships, but it's early days. I'm proud of the fact that she's joined the Netball team, drama club and bug club etc.
The problem is the other girl from her primary. Having spent 6 years together my dd knows that she doesn't get on with this other girl. Nothing nasty, just totally different personalities and maturity levels. They've never socialised in school or outside it. In fact my dd says she finds the other girl quite irritating but has sucked it up. We've discussed that you can't like everyone you have to deal with. Just be polite and move on etc. However the other girl is finding things really hard so far in school. As a consequence she is literally clinging to my dd. She is following her everywhere and insisting that my dd is her partner whenever they need one. This week the girl turned up to all dd's new clubs and insisted on being by her side.
Dd keeps coming home a frustrated and concerned that she's being a bit suffocated by her but feels like she has to be nice to stop the other girl complaining. It got so bad last week that dd ducked behind a door as the class filled out for lunch break so she could go to the library on her own to finish some homework in peace. In music class the other girl put my dd down a lot in front of the others saying that in primary school dd was famous for not being able to sing (not true).

It all sounds so petty. Dd feels like she's at a point where she might snap and say something mean to the girl in order that she can have some peace and maybe work/meet different people.

I can't complain to a Y7 tutor about another pupils lack of making new friends can I? I'm just worried that dd is doing well and being proactive making social inroads herself but she's being 'stopped' by someone who wasn't exactly her friend in the place.

Anyone had anything similar? How long until this all blows over? grin

SE13Mummy Thu 13-Oct-16 11:04:44

I'd encourage your DD to let the other girl know that she'd like to have a different partner, that she doesn't like being put down in music etc. so that the other girl is made aware of how your DD feels. She could also speak to her form tutor herself and explain that she doesn't want to be mean but that she's finding it hard to be herself/make new friends because the other girl from her primary school is forcing herself on her and ask for some help with the situation.

Quite possibly, the other girl will find willing friends from within the form group but doesn't know how to initiate conversation/doesn't have the social awareness that gives her the confidence to hook up with new people. If the form tutor is made aware,s/he may be able to steer her towards others who are in need of a new friend.

It hasn't happened to my DC but it did happen to a friend of mine's DD and made her quite unhappy. I would have a quiet word with the form tutor to see if they have some ideas. Something as simple as the teachers allocating partners for activities might break the cycle. Putting her down in class is bullying and does need dealing with so do mention that.

nocampinghere Thu 13-Oct-16 16:07:17

First of all it's early days so don't panic yet about no firm friends - she's doing all the right things joining clubs, getting in the mix etc...

I was thinking she has to put up with this girl a bit UNTIL i read that the girl was putting her down. She should have stood up for herself at that point. If the girl isn't being nice to her she owes her nothing. She doesn't have to be mean but she should pull her up on any of that nonsense. It won't be long until the girl is doing that to others and she doesn't want to be associated with it.

Tell her to have a quite word with her form tutor. or you if she prefers. You don't need to make a big deal of it. They will have seen this many times before, every year and will have strategies to deal with it.

simpson Thu 13-Oct-16 17:01:04

I would speak to form tutor tbh about how your DD is feeling. They (the school) can then possibly buddy her up with someone else.

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