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My ds 14 is very low at the moment.

(18 Posts)
nigelslaterfan Fri 03-Jul-15 11:16:43

He is quite shy and a homebody, he has a healthy set of friends at school but they mostly live a bus ride from school and they have never got in the habit of meeting up out of school.
He has one friend nearby who he plays a bit of sport with. There are oher kids near but he doesn't really arrange to see them. He says he's sorry he didn't go to a mixed sex school, he thinks he would have had more friends. He says at his school you're either popular or not and he isn't in the popular group, but he has his mates, he says they are slightly geeky.
Most importantly he doesn't play live xbox with his friends. He never got back into in year 8 whereas many of his friends, according to their mothers are on up to 3 hours a day.
How common is it to have a 14 yr old who hardly goes out and is fairly shy and loathe to arrange things at home. He just doesn't have host confidence.

rainbowjoy Fri 03-Jul-15 12:17:29

my ds14 is a bit low at the moment too, not quite in with the popular crowd but wanting to be and not having the confidence to arrange something himself. we live half an hour from the school and others can be half an hour in the other direction. He has an xbox but is rarely used he does spend too much time on his pc but luckily has kept in touch with a group from his old primary school so talks to them and meets in the holidays. he is going on a school trip at the end of July, again it seems all the popular kids have managed to change groups so that they are all going together (even when it was said that they were mixing the groups up) so I'm hoping he will make some new good friends and can meet up when they return. Its such a difficult age finding yourself trying to be an adult. my ds is an only child too. his confidence is low that everything I suggest to do is a no and he's at that age where he knows best.

Cloud2 Fri 03-Jul-15 13:14:08

DS1 is 14 too. he is quite happy at his school. There are quite a few groups of friends in the school, nobody is left alone. And popular children doesn't affect much of the other children's life.

As his friends live a bit far as well, normally they don't meet up unless arranged. Beside birthday parties, I will normally invite all his friends around together twice a year during holidays to catch up, his friends do this too. So he has the chance to meet his friends outside school through out the year, though not so often. I do wonder when he would start to just call his friends and then pop on a bus to the town centre to meet his friends. As friend's daughter similar age do this all the time. But he and his friends are not doing this at the moment. They still just meet at each other's house. They would just play some computer games, play in the park and chat no stop.

At this age, actually from 12, he normally would stay in his room after school, he will do an hour home work, then I don't know what he does. Certainly not games, as the computer is in the downstair living room. I would just call him out for a break every hour for playing instrument, eating. We all stay downstair after dinner, so can catch up as a family. I think boys at this age start to like to have his own space and time to relax. And he still tells me what happens at school if I ask. But generally he does thing by himself, doesn't need my opinion any more.

lljkk Fri 03-Jul-15 13:20:02

Would your son consider joining any clubs, NigelS? He's the perfect age for Cadets, for instance.

nigelslaterfan Fri 03-Jul-15 13:36:00

Oh thanks for your experiences, well he is very busy with his main sport and plays about 5 or 6 hours a week and it's a friendly club and he does have that outlet.

I think it's the arranging to see other people which he finds hard. I think he is worried about asking friends over and isn't sure what is the right kind of thing to do.

He has sometimes gone to the cinema with a friend and he likes doing that. But he is really quite shy I think and worried about not having friends. He says there are a bunch of popular boys who go to parties a lot and there is drinking and talk of smoking weed. He doesn't want to go to those parties but he's worried that he and his mates are the geeks. He is convinced he'd have had more friends if we'd let him go to the mixed secondary (often wish we had.....).
Other mums I've spoken to describe similar stay at home behaviour. And it's true when I see his year out they are groups of the highly confident ones.
My niece who is older says he's a lovely lad but that we have to let him get through the self conscious faze and that he will come out of himself in time and not to worry, they are full of hormones and growing into these bigger people, and the academic pressure is very great

nigelslaterfan Fri 03-Jul-15 13:36:54

Also he was in scouts but his leader was vile to him, he is ready for Explorers now but I haven't managed to get him to agree to try it out yet.

nigelslaterfan Fri 03-Jul-15 13:38:14

Cloud 2, what exactly do you do when the kids get together twice a year? We just don't know his school friends well and are a bit nervous about how we might entertain them. We think he is a bit embarrassed of us but won't admit it! grin

lljkk Fri 03-Jul-15 13:46:02

Geeks are cool. He needs to embrace his inner geek. I thought Big-Bang-Theory had changed things, maybe not.

All teens are insecure, that much is so true. Is there something about the mixed school you really don't like?

We know quite a few sporty geeks, too.

nigelslaterfan Fri 03-Jul-15 14:01:41

great shirt, yes he does sort of embrace the inner geek but I think he is just low, tired, hot, overworked, desperate for the holidays and wondering if he is a social loser or not because he isn't the one at the parties.. even though he doesn't want to go to them!

(I know that feeling....)

He doesn't realise how lovely he is!

Cloud2 Fri 03-Jul-15 14:34:31

We generally have 6 or 7 boys over, at our house, they chat a lot, play computer games, sometimes even play board games, like monopoly. And we live close to a park, so they will go out to play tennis , basketball etc.

Whe DS go to friends' house, some mum would bring them to swim, play tennis then stay at home(general games when at home). One family is close to town centre, so they walked around the town centre once.

Cloud2 Fri 03-Jul-15 14:35:48

When DS's friends come, they just play themselves, I only get the lunch ready for them.

nigelslaterfan Fri 03-Jul-15 14:39:35

thanks, I don't think he'd invite that many! We're working on one. The other thing is his two favourite friends live close to each other and also are online gaming all the time. My ds isn't at their level but he doesn't know the extent of their friendship or know how arrange anything. He is just frightened of rejection I guess.

Cloud2 Fri 03-Jul-15 15:49:34

With one, I think it is more difficult. You have to entertain each other all the time. Also, if 3friend a group, sometimes 2 would be closer,this create problem. Maybe you can take the chance to get him to widen his friends circle. Just ask him to invite a few more which he think he would like. One of DS's friend's mum always send out message to quite a few friends mum,say house open day again. Children love to go friend's house even without any special arranged activities, just think it is always more boring to stay at home on your own. Like our house,DS2 is much younger,so they don't play together much.

summerends Fri 03-Jul-15 17:57:57

Sounds as though he's starting to want some contact with girls but not ready for the serious partying and is self conscious of his image.

He is also pretty busy so does n't necessarily has to have friends round if he just wants to relax during the holidays.

I would suggest some activity may be just during the holiday where he can mix with girls by a shared activity. Drama groups are quite good for that. Does he mix with girls with his sport?

Decorhate Fri 03-Jul-15 19:08:51

I also have a 14 yr old ds who is very similar. However, from talking to friends with older boys, it seems this is very common at that age. I suspect it's partly when they get to the stage where parents stop making play date type arrangements for them! Apparently they normally start to become more social in a couple of years - perhaps when the forms get mixed up a bit more for GCSEs they find classmates they have more in common with?
My ds does talk to school friends online when playing computer games but always resists any suggestions I make to meet up with them outside school. Even on his birthday.

Preciousbane Fri 03-Jul-15 22:14:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gaelforce Sat 04-Jul-15 00:11:17

All DD's friends live 30/40 minute drive away.
She sent a text to around 8 friends from class to see if anyone wanted to come to the house for the day. (School's finished around 3weeks here)
They hardly ever get together outside of school- unless birthdays.
Five were able to make it but more importantly it broke the ice and others have initiated meet-ups in town or at their homes. Nothing fancy - Going to beach or watching DVDs.
Agree with PP- more than two works better. The parents were really grateful, so I think your teen isn't the only one.

nigelslaterfan Sun 05-Jul-15 00:07:02

thank you for these, I do know of a few other similar lads. My ds is just appalling at arranging anything, I think he is horrified at the thought of someone saying no and then he'll feel embarrassed, on his birthday I got an old friend from primary school to come for the week end and the just played mine craft the whole time and watched films but they did giggle and laugh loads which is such a joy.
ds's other great mate is his cousin, my niece who is 12, they get on brilliantly, he goes from taciturn to chatterbox the moment she walks in, it's lovely to see him happy to be himself.
I get the impression the friendships he has made in secondary school have a sort of formality almost, they don't really know each other. Also a lot of boys at ds's school have a lot more money than us and I think ds and I are self conscious that we might be, I don't know, judged!

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