Should we change schools

[blimppy]

Looking for wise words to help make a decision about DD2. She is currently at a high performing all girls comprehensive. She is doing well academically but, half way through Year 8, appears not to have any strong friendships. She hangs out with people, but sees none of them outside school. When she texts to ask about meeting up, there is usually no response. In school, they never wait for her, no-one calls her over to sit with them and generally she seems to feel like a spare part. Having seen her older sister also go through secondary school struggling with friendships and feeling excluded, to the point where she self harms and is in counselling, I'm really worried DD2 will go the same way. There is a nearby mixed comprehensive, which is attended by her two best friends from primary school, to whom she is still close. However, it is not as good a school, and I hear very mixed things about it. Most of the transfers of pupils between schools of which I am aware, involve children leaving the school, not joining it! i'm thinking of asking whether she could transfer there, and whether she could join her friends' form, but would I be mad to do so?

[TooSpotty]

If it's making her miserable, it's worth thinking about. I know people who transferred from a very highly rated academic school to other, less celebrated, schools for social reasons and never regretted it.

[Clobbered]

She's had a good long time to adjust, and isn't really settling by the sound of it. I'd be inclined to see if she can transfer while she still has old friendships intact and see how she gets on. Kids will do better when they are happy, no?

[blimppy]

Thanks for the responses. I think I'll give the other school a call tomorrow and see what they say. I do have some concern about whether the school will suit her academically, but I hate seeing her unhappy and being unhappy won't help her succeed.

[Sparklingbrook]

Hi blimppy. A few years ago we did it with DS1, although the schools were not markedly different academic wise I felt the atmosphere/pastoral care etc was more of a match for DS1, and he was more likely to make friends with like minded children.

First step-have they got a space? Then maybe make an appointment to have a look around. After that a taster day?

It moved really fast once we had made the decision

[Unexpected]

How does your daughter feel about moving - or indeed, staying where she is? Does she feel the lack of "close" friends or is she happy enough just being part of the group?

Does she do any extra-curricular clubs or sports at school? Although I will admit that my DC seem to have friends anyway, doing things like taking part in the school show or playing on a team have helped them also make friends in other forms/years which might help her.

[Invizicat]

From what you've told us, I'd be worried that a move would not help your dd. Finding it difficult to fit in with friendship groups more often tends to be a problem that is experienced by a pupil whatever school they attend, rather than a problem with the school itself. If she is an academically successful girl in an academically successful girls' school she is unlikely to feel she fits in better in a less 'academic', more 'problematic' school.

If you had said she was experiencing bullying and that her school had not responded effectively, or if you had said there was any particular problem with the school itself that might be different. Instead, what has she done in this school to build friendships? Are there clubs or teams she can join? Can you talk to the school and explain the problem? They may well have strategies for others in the same position. Can you help her develop some social strategies to get involved?

I would also be very reluctant to move dc just because of old friends elsewhere. Friendship groups can change so much in Yr 7 and 8. Threes are never an easy number and if dd moved school she may well feel she's being rejected by these girls if they've built new social groups and don't seem interested in incorporating her.

[blimppy]

Invizicat - you make good points which I have been mulling over. I don't know why DD2 is struggling socially. With DD1 it was more obvious that she did not fit in - relatively young in attitude, didn't have the right look and very shy. DD2 is on the surface at least much more confident, socially outgoing and conforms to "the look". She gets involved in the annual show, although not in a starring role, and plays in the orchestra and another smaller music group. I think she finds the casual bitchiness of girls this age difficult to understand and tolerate. I am also getting the impression that her form has a lot of strong characters. I'd always have said DD2 was a strong character too, but it seems she is being rather squashed by them. She says she goes all quiet when with them in a group and has commented "that isn't me!". Overall, I'm at a loss as to why she is struggling, and will be trying to talk to the Head of Year and Form Tutor. I'm starting to think we have a gene for being socially incompetent, as neither DH or I are particularly good in this area!

[MillyMollyMama]

I think a lot will change when they get into their GCSE groups. Year 9 or 10. They are then taught with like minded pupils, in smaller groups, in subjects they have chosen. My DD felt a bit excluded for the first two years but grew much closer to different girls in year 10, and then especially in the 6th form. They are still firm friends at 22/23 years old. You have no guarantees two friends at another school are not friendly with other girls and your DD still will not break into those friendship groups. She will also be the classic "two's company, three's a crowd" scenario. I would see it through where you are and maybe your DD is trying to be friends with the wrong girls. If they are all extrovert and confident, she is competing with them, but losing. A quieter, more steady, group of friends might emerge in the next year.

[blimppy]

I had a chat with DD2 earlier and asked for her views on moving school. I made the point that if she did, her two friends would have other friends there and she would need to make an effort to fit in with them. She was hesitant about the idea. She's aware that her current school is considered to be better academically and said she doesn't want to disrupt her education. I've left a message for her form tutor to call me, to see if she has any helpful perspectives to offer on why DD2 is struggling in this way. I appreciate all your responses. It always helps to talk these things through!

[Jackieharris]

If she's not gettin bullied and isn't actually unhappy then I'd try to work with the school rather than looking at moving.

Not everyone is going to be a social butterfly at high school.

Maybe just see school as somewhere to get work done and see outside school clubs/hobbies as a way of making friends?

[blimppy]

I've spoken with her form tutor. Apparently, there are lots of issues going on with Year 8 - not really a surprise I suppose! She is going to set up one of her regular welfare meetings with DD2 later this week and will try to gently probe her views on what is happening. She also says she can change the seating plan so that DD2 sits next to one particular girl she does feel friendly with. She changes the seating fairly often anyway so it won't look odd. She said she will call me back when she's spoken with DD2. DD2 does have activities outside school, such as scouts, horse riding, martial arts and indeed last week her only social activity was a sleepover with a friend from her martial arts class! In the meantime, I've started trying to find out if there would be space at the other school. I suspect others are right that there is a risk her "problem" would move with her, but it doesn't hurt to at least understand what options there may be.

[caringdad66]

Ask her what she would like to do.A happy child is all that really matters,and your family experience would seem to reflect that.Good luck. X