Separated and different views on secondary school

[apsergeskidsrcool]

My ex and I were together 10 years. We have been separated 4 years and I will be marrying later this year.

Our son is 11

While my life is now unrecognisable Dads life hasn't changed. He still works the same job, same shift, the house is still messy with DS's toys from when he was a toddler... It's like he's trapped in limbo.
His family think he's depressed.
He's not a particularly nice person. I was controlled and manipulated. His personal babysitter, had to be in by 10pm or he'd lock the door, that kind of thing.

He's on TV and people think he's great until they meet him and he comes across as rude and obnoxious. He has only a few friends and even these told me to run for the hills.

The truth is that he's very possibly apserges like our son. He's very intelligent, he can be very loving, but mostly he enjoys arguing and conflict.

Now the problem.

We live in different cities and when I left I had to agree to stay in his city and continue to offer after school care until he finished work at 8pm. I suppose I was still under the thumb at this point and so I bought a house in the City (not that this pleased him as it was the wrong side of the city).

After a few months I realised I had a really bad deal. I was his personal babysitter. I worked in another city but had to get home to collect DS only to hand him over at 8pm at night.
I had to get a solicitor involved to make it more fair for me but I still offered him any 50/50 arrangement angement he wanted to keep the peace.

He wanted to split the week down the middle. He's the only one who thinks it's a good idea but it was progress so I said yes.

So I met my fiancee, we work in another city, now live there and I commute three days a week for the school run. We travel 40 miles each way. Weekends are alternate and I font take a penny from him, he pays for next to nothing. Even when I was unmployed and getting final demands for dinner money he refused to pay. (despite me paying his mother's phone contract for the last 7 years).

Secondary school.
I am refusing to commute any longer. I am getting married, I need to stand up to him.
It's hard though. The school think he's a local celebrity and assume he makes the better decisions. They've already tole me that taking our son to another LEA is very difficult.

I've told Dad that whichever school DS goes to, the parent who lives closest will have him Mon-Fri. I said last year let's both make a plan detailing after school care each could offer. He promised to right up until the deadline and then said he wouldn't and so he hasn't.

His Dad wants DS to go to a mainstream school near his house. Yet can't provide any afterschool care. He works until 8pm still and days he can't change that. He says I should continue to commute as I chose to move away.

I want DS to go to a specialist apserges school in my city where I can be there after school Mon-Fri and have a full time job in the Police. It's also the best school for him, it has an outstanding offsted report.

Meanwhile I applied for DLA and was awarded it. I give his father half (I did t even have to tell him but wanted to be fair) but he doesn't spend it on our son. He doesn't take him to any classes or book anything, he has no time. I take him swimming and tennis in my city. His father earns three times as much as me yet always claims to be broke.

So in short how can we get a decision made? My choice means taking his statement out of the area, his choice means DS will be at a huge disadvantage...

Any advice would be greatfully received.

[steppemum]

much sympathy OP. I have no experience, so hope others will be along to help.
But you have your son's name in your post and your ex is a tv person. I think you should ask mumsnet to change it for you. We usually use ds (dear son) to refer to our sons.

[inthename]

Firstly, I'd ask for your son's name to be removed. This is a public internet forum and you've given a lot of personal details xx
Secondly, if you've offered that whoever lives closest will be where your son lives, then that has contributed to the problem.
Normally, you would base where your son goes to school on where he resides. In your case, if its truly 50/50 care its based more on where is your son's registered address for doctors etc and who claims the child benefit. A child doesn't have 2 addresses for school admissions applications
Next, as parents you need to work out what you do agree on. Does your sons statement say he needs to be in a particular school etc
Then, I'd think about going to mediation to try and reach an agreement which should be in your sons best interests.
Also, money and children are always kept completely seperate, so whether he pays or not, how far you have to travel and that you are getting married wouldn't be seen as relevant.

[ArsenicFaceCream]

Mediation (and the word is 'aspergers')

[titchy]

A TV personality who works shifts? And you don[t know how to spell the condition your son has? Really?

If you are real please delete your post and resubmit without the identifiable details.

[apsergeskidsrcool]

Hi all, thanks for the response... He refused to turn up to mediation. Believe me I've tried.

I'm not particularly worried if people workout who he is, but will ask the team to removed my son's name.

Child benefit is in my name. School has both addresses down and paperwork is sent to both. I could change his doctor easily. Should I do that? He doesn't have any medical conditions so there wouldn't be any detriment to my son.

The best school is without a doubt the one where I live. Even his dad says so to my face but in emails and texts he denies this. He's not stupid.
He just doesn't want to be a weekend parent. I would be willing to IF he could offer a good school AND good afterschool care. But he can't.

[apsergeskidsrcool]

Wow you're mean.
I've asked my son's name to be removed. Not that I think for a second any of this identifies them. Have a guess if you think you're so clever. Which you clearly do. Just because we work in TV and I missed an r from Apsergers I'm not real?! Have you ever mistyped when using your phone?

Wow I thought this place would be friendly.

[apsergeskidsrcool]

Thanks, I've reported my post and made the request. I don't think anybody could ID us from those two pieces of information but to be safe...

[apsergeskidsrcool]

Thanks for your response.
I genuinly am hapy for my son to live with his father Mon-Fri IF his father can provide the best environment, but as I've described above he really can't and hasn't made any attempt to.
It's really frustrating. I can't bear the thought of my son living there as it stands. Already when he comes back from his Father's he has a bad attitude and has lost his manners, it's like the two of them together amplify the Apsergers condition.
It takes a good day to bring him down again and he's a different child.

[steppemum]

Unfortunately op you could be identified. I could do an internet search on tv kids born in 2003 called xx, and it wouldn't be hard to track it down.

It is scary how easy it is to find things on-line.

This site is friendly and supportive, but it is also common for people to put up fake posts. regulars in here are very sharp to make sure a poster is genuine.

If you are intending to send him to a school for Aspergers kids, then I assume he has a statement? If not, how will you get him in there? If he has a statement, then the professionals involved should have some suggestions for his schooling. The school needed can be specified on the statement.

If he won't mediate, your only option is to go back to court.

I think that the address considered for the child for school admissions is the address where the child benefit is paid. So on that basis you need to apply for a school near you anyway, he won't get into a school near your ex with an address near you.

Have you asked your son what he wants too?

[apsergeskidsrcool]

Hello, he wasn't born in 2003, anyway doesn't matter I've asked for his name to be removed. Shouldn't take long.

Yes he had a statement, it's held in the LEA of his father, that is the point advantage he has here but it's a big one granted.

The statement is ambiguous, it clearly paints a picture of a child who can't focus, can't organise his thoughts or his belongings and needs lots of one to one in order to achieve. Our doesn't go so far as to make recommendations on school type.
Every time I need I ask senco I'm told they don't want to get involved but they can't see him coping on mainstream. It seems impossible to get that in writing. I had to mention the TV job because it blinds people.
He's a tough person to take on.

[apsergeskidsrcool]

Just to add that my son wants to come here.

[inthename]

then as steppe has said, if hes refused mediation and you have that in writing, your only option is to go back to court for a specific issues order. I think (not 100% sure) to do this you have to submit form C100 to a court - which also has to be signed by a mediator that mediation has been unsuccessful.
In your case, with so many different 'bits' to join up, I'd think about returning to your solicitor, even if its only to get clear advice on how this should be done, because a lot of things in family law changed in April and you don't really want to be relying on generalised advice for something this important.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

DS1 has aspergers too. He chose his own secondary school as it was him who needed to feel comfortable there.

How does he cope with all of the to-ing and fro-ing?

[titchy]

Apologies if you are real, (although you've also misspelt Asbergers in your username), but the reference to his father being on telly seemed rather fantastical - it's completely irrelevant to what you are asking and there was no need to mention it. No need to mention that you work in the police, and fairly easy to work out your ds's birth year given that you're applying for secondaries.

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

I know a few people this could apply to so I don't see how you can assume it's made up titchy

I doubt it's shifts. More likely that schedules are busy and filming goes on until around 8 everyday. The OP's ex may not be required til 8 every day though but would probably have no routine within the parameters iyswim. Sometimes not even much advanced notice week to week either.

OP it does blind people if someone has a familiar face. Its ridiculous but I have seen it with my own eyes and it is a difficult thing to deal with as you say.

However, in your case, the fact is that the ex simply cannot provide after school care so I would say there is your answer! Ask him how he plans to care for ds mon-fri if he attends the school in his city. Tell him what you believe the school near you can offer ds.

If he refuses to engage in sensible discussion then go ahead with plans to move ds whilst attempting to engage in mediation. Keep records of how you have tried to engage. He will be the one to have to take it further if he wishes but you will have the evidence that you have acted reasonably and more importantly, in the best interests of yor ds.

[inthename]

there is also a slight risk with the living with x or y Monday - Friday that you are trying to vary an existing order for 50/50. If your ex disagrees with that sort of change, then that order would also have to be returned to court to be varied and signed off before returning it by a mediator.
Please also bear in mind that its not considered to be up to you to question his dads childcare arrangments when your son is scheduled to be with him, as its up to him to sort out what he considers to be appropriate.

[sleeperinsouthlondon]

Ipanema the suspicion is quite understandable;

Our son is 11 and called x [edited by MNHQ]. is not the normal 'slip up' style of accidental name revelation.

Multiple mis-spellings of 'aspergers' including in username.

The 'ex on TV ' did sound odd. It's not as though he is a local headtecher or noted educationalist. Why would teaching staff listen to his views on educational/SEN issues particularly?

[apsergeskidsrcool]

We've never been to court. When I left I gave in to pretty much everything he wanted to keep the peace. No money exchanges hands, I pay for my Son apart from his main holiday with his father.

There was one solicitors letter once which was to say we had concerns over his lack of hygiene and that I wasn't having fair access. This one letter cost over £400!

I did take advice on taking him to court but firstly I was told £10k, secondly I should have stated proceedings last Easter, however at that time his father was 'misleading' me into thinking he was being cooperative so I saw no need to take.it that far. Which was a relief as I don't have 10k to throw at this.

He viewed schools in both areas, admitted the Apsergers one was best, admitted he had no afterschool care and I was looking likely he'd be moving to my city. He basically played for time and now it's the eleventh hour revealed he wants him to go to a mainstream school near his house that we've not even viewed and my city's outnof the question.
All he has to say for himself is "I don't want to be a weekend Dad"... It's never anything to do with my Son's best interest.

So my original question still goes unanswered. Who decides?

The school won't get involved and he won't even talk to me about it. I swapped weekends to help him out despite him refusing to tell me why it was so urgent, I have a funeral Friday, do you think I can get him to respond to me?! No.

He was once hospitalised for a long time and I heard nothing. I asked no questions, just took our son and did a daily 160 mile commute to school, then work then schools then home.

I sent him one text asking how he was.. I was told to mind my own business.

I just want you to know whatnot.dealing with here. Even if there's no real advice sometimes just getting it off my chest helps.

[apsergeskidsrcool]

Can I just say a big thank you to those who are helping and being supportive.

However I am concerned over the number of people here who seem more concerned with either A: identifying me or at least making ridiculous claims that they can, or B: accusing me of being fake because I don't put an R in Apserges.

I joined today needing at worse some emotional support but at best some legal advice. People come here may be fragile and vulnerable, even at risk. Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. If you think somebody is a fraud then report them and let the system do its job.

[titchy]

Inthename did answer your question - C100 from the courts for a Specific Issue Order.

[inthename]

Ok, as there is no contact order, then that at least doesn't have to be varied.
For the other things though, if he won't engage with mediation then you will need to apply to your local family court and apply for a specific issues order.
It doesn't cost 10K to do this.
You can represent yourself.
I think its around £200 to submit the forms
BUT do get some concrete legal advice as you have a whole combination of things going on.
Otherwise, as someone further up said, make all the arrangements, give the new arrangements to him in writing and then it would be up to him to take you to mediation and court.
It would obviously be better for your son if you didn't do this and a court could overturn any arrangements you make as there is a 'status quo' of 50/50 - which is something they would look very carefully at if hes objecting.

[steppemum]

You need to look on the website of your LEA and your ex LEA.

It will tell you which address is considered to be the resident address for children with 50/50 custody.
If (and I don't know) if the address to which child benefit is paid is the address they consider, then unless both schools are very undersubscribed, the choice is easy.

You put your school and his on the form in any order you like.

Your school will be close by distance and so you may get a place. His school would be considered by distance form YOUR house as YOUR house has the child benefit paid to it. It is very unlikely you would get a place as it is so far away.

BUT that wouldn't really help your relationship with your ex, and he could then go to court.

Go to the SEN boards and ask about statements. Educational provision by naming the school is normally part of the statement. You can call for an emergency statement meeting, and ask for it to be recorded that he wouldn't cope in mainstream and need the special school. But you really need to check. If he has Aspergers, but that is not spelled out anywhere, then a school specialising in Aspergers won't take him. You saying he has it means nothing if it isn't in writing.

You have very little time to decide. Your form needs to be in by 31st Oct.

[titchy]

Indeed I should polter...

[steppemum]

polter is right - relationships board will find you people who will help with dealing with ex and with the legal side.

go on to SEN for how to get him into the school you want/statement help etc.

Do some research about the schools requirements.