Changing school in year 8 - thoughts / experiences?

[Guiri]

Apologies, long OP.

DD had a pretty dodgy start to yr 7 - found it hard to settle & make friends, and was bullied by a small group of girls in her form. The school were pretty helpful, and things definitely got better over the course of the year, partly through intervention with the girls, and partly through dd getting better at dealing with them. However she definitely still feels very much an outsider within her form group and in lessons (unhelpfully, there is a very high cross-over between her form and her lesson groups, most of her form are top sets throughout, as is dd). It's a pretty small school (80 in the year) so not much option to move around.

Her social skills aren't great, and she says herself that she finds socialising in a group situation & hitting the right 'note' really hard. She has a few good friends out of school, but it's generally one-on-one or a very small group, IYKWIM. All of these friends, co-incidentally, go to the other local school.

When things were really bad, we discussed the possibility of her moving school - things got better and so it got dropped, but she's really not looking forward to going back, so the idea has come up again.

I'd be interested to know what experiences others have had with socially not-so-great dc moving schools - were they able to get a fresh start, or did all the same problems just come up again? (It's unlikely she'd slip into friendship groups with her out of school friends, they're mainly in older years apart from one who is super-popular.)

(Have name-changed, btw, as RL people know my usual name, so please don't say if you recognise me!)

[KittiesInsane]

Keep on keeping an eye. We moved DS in year 8 (and it took from Christmas to Easter to get it sorted). Best thing we could have done for him, but all children are different, and in our case the other school itself was a much better fit for his interests.

[Guiri]

I think that's where I struggle, Kitties. DD is, understandably, focused on the social side - the other school is very much bigger (3 x the size), so much more friendship options.

Elsewhere, although there's a lot of things I don't like about school B (amongst other things, it's very, very results oriented), which is why we supported her in her initial choice, I think it might be a better fit academically. At her current school, dd can easily stay in the top 2 or 3 in all subjects without putting in any serious effort - in school B that's unlikely to be the case, which might do her good in the long term.

[MathsRC]

From experience, I have seen many students change schools for reasons you have listed and gone on to blossom in their new school.

Firstly, the fact that she doesn't seem to be being too challenged is a major worry. If she isn't being challenged then it is likely the other students aren't either. In this type of situation the students will find other ways of amusing themselves and will sometimes tease / bully other students.

Secondly, if she has some friends in the new school then you have a great chance of a positive start. What does your daughter say about this?

My advice would be that if you are going to move her...move her as soon as possible. The longer you leave it the harder it is to integrate.

P.s. I am new to this forum, and its abbreviations, what does dd mean?

[Guiri]

Thanks MathsRC for a different perspective - have you seen them as a teacher or a parent? Interesting point about not being challenged sometimes leading to problems between pupils. DD is just daughter, btw (dd = dear daughter, ds = dear son etc - I think it's shorthand on a lot of forums)

[MathsRC]

Thanks for the help with the abbreviations!

I am talking as a teacher and HoD.

Also, as you know, children aren't stupid and when they move school to get a fresh start they often make a special effort to make it work even if they can't vocalise this intention to you.

Like I said, my biggest concern is the lack of challenge.

Academic achievement is one of the key reasons why children go to school and if the school isn't meeting this need then I would be concerned.

Best of luck.

[Snowfire]

My dd also had an awful start to yr7, unfortunately the school weren't very helpful and did went downhill fast. In the end she was refusing to go to school and I stopped trying to make her go around Feb half term as I couldn't keep trying to put her into an environment that was effectively damaging her
I home educated her for the rest of the year and she recovered well but had become a bit isolated. She started at another school a bit further away at the beginning of last year and has hardly looked back! She'll be going into yr9 next week and is actually looking forward to it Moving was definitely the right thing for her! Could she possibly go for a taster day at the other school to see how she feels about it?

[Guiri]

That's really good news Snowfire that your dd has settled well.

I really take your point about academics being the point of school, MathsRC - to some extent (and I have said this to dd), I think that she may have to accept that she will never find school the easiest environment socially, so it is definitely important that at least that side of things is good.

I think so far we're going to go all of us for a meeting with the other school's HT next week when school starts, have a look around, and take things from there.

[KittiesInsane]

In our case the new school isn't quite as academic as the old one, but he's been able to grow into himself.

For DS it was the extracurriculars (sorry, MathsRC!) that made the difference between an angry, isolated child and a happy involved one. The new school had drama, music, film or science clubs every single lunchtime, so no more lurking about the playground feeling rejected. Does your daughter have interests that would give her a toehold in a club or two at the other school?

We were worried that we would simply be moving the same set of problems to a new school, but he's loved his new school with a sort of frantic gratitude from the start.

[KittiesInsane]

I've just re-read your OP and see that the current school is pretty small. In that case, I think a larger pool of potential friends might be just what she needs.

[Guiri]

The problem is that her current school has much more in the way of lunchtime clubs etc, which is one reason it seemed like a better choice originally. They do help in terms of a place to be, but the ones dd is interested in (ie, not the sports clubs!) have very limited membership, especially from her year, so haven't been a great place to make friends.

[Guiri]

Sorry, pressed post too soon - apart from the clubs, she has found the library a good place to hang out, and can probably be on the team of helpers this coming year, which is a big positive for her. The other school shares it's library with the town, so I don't think that would be an option there.

[MillyMollyMama]

Guiri - I think what you have mentioned regarding the library is a pretty small issue though in the overall decision about moving school, or not! As she has found, clubs, and probably the library, are not places to make friends and it does not seem this library role is making her look forward to going back (as you said in your OP). On balance I would probably not move but I don't think the library helper role is really such a good idea. She will just seem even more separate. However, I would investigate other schools just to see if her needs could be better met. It is friendships, teaching, standards of pastoral care and how your DD will fit in socially that are crucial, not clubs so much. It may be that your DD is not the sort to have lots of friends but she will, throughout her life, have to deal with other people who are, mostly, OK and some who are not. These types of people are at all schools so she will have to adjust to existing alongside them.

[KittiesInsane]

Doesn't this show how much schools vary, Milly? And how much depends on the individual child's needs? I would say for DS that the clubs were absolutely crucial to how accepted he felt in his new school -- but I'm aware how lucky we were.

I would listen carefully to what both schools say they could do for your daughter. Our old school believed their role was to help DS to change to fit in better and be less of a bully magnet. The second school took the view that they needed to help DS to be happy in himself and would therefore need to stamp hard on any bullying for his oddities.

Some children need one approach, some the other, some both.