boarding school anxieties

[Allybongo81]

in less than two weeks our boy starts bourding school. he is 11yo, he asked to go and even helped choose the school. As my wife is in the military and we move around every couple of years we decided this would be the best for his education. he is extremely excited to go and talks of all the after school activities he will be able to take part in, a lot of which he misses out on at home as his sis is disabled and we struggle getting him to clubs ect.
I on the other hand am dreading it. I know this is the best thing for him and its something he really wants to do but I cant help but feel a massive sense of loss. I have spent a lot of the last 11years on my own with the children and the boy has been my rock. I dont want to stop him going, I want him to have everything he desires in life and most of all I want him to get a good education. how can I make myself feel better about this and stop the crying ? xx

[happygardening]

My DS goes back to his boarding school in three weeks, he's boarded for 10 years I'm already starting to feel sad. In a way I think the run up to him going back to school is the worst bit.
I think about all the advantages, the numerous things he gets that he could not have if he stayed at home, the friends he has, the marvelous dedicated staff, etc. I believe my DS is receiving a fantastic unique education, and that boarding is a positive life enhancing opportunity. This is what will carry me through the next three weeks and beyond.
You need to believe in you and your DS's choice, there will inevitably be the odd rough patch, children do become home sick, fall out with friends, get told of by teachers (as they do at all schools) and wonder whether they've done the wrong thing, if you're crying and anxious you'll make it worse. I'm believe in not hiding our emotions from our children as a general principle but if your crying about it you will worry him, he will go off feeling anxious about you and he doesn't need this especially in the begining when he's getting used to boarding. My DS know we miss him terribly but he doesn't have to worry about us, there's a difference.
Two bits of advise. Boarding is also exhausting particularly the first term for new boarders, it seems longer than the others, most kids (and staff) will pick up some kind of cold type bug, the evenings are getting shorter and the weather changing, it always feels a funny term, just when children are exhausted of course Xmas parties and all the excitement etc come along at the end of term making tired children and staff even more tired. Don't be overly worried if your DS by Xmas or even half term is quieter than normal. Secondly time just seems to go so fast. I clearly remember my DS's first night at his boarding prep, his 11+ pre test and sitting the entrance exam at 13+, I also remember his first day at his senior school which feels like yesterday but the rest is a rapidly moving blur. In three weeks time he start in yr 12, now we're counting down to the end, starting to seriously plan where he will go next. If your DS is full boarding in a few weeks he'll be home for an exeat, then it will be half term, Xmas and before you know it it will be July and you picking him up for for the wonderful long summer holidays and in what is begining th feel like little more than the blink of an eye you'll be picking him up for the last time. Enjoy his time at his school attend plays/concerts, even if he's not in them we go with our DS, watch him in matches, attend social functions the school organises, enjoy the school as much as he will, then you will both emerge 7 years later with positive memories.
Good luck.

[happygardening]

One other thing on the night before he returns to school my DS always chooses the meal, we usually go to the cinema (although there's been such crap on lately we might not find anything this year) or down load a film of his choice. On the day they go back (in the evening in our case) we have a family day together, my DS and DH do the same sport, he and I cycle together etc, we don't have to be back till 9 PM but usually get there earlier between 7 30 and 8. Never hang around to long when you take them back, especially on the first night, help them unpack if necessary, (I don't) some parents assist with making up their beds but then say goodbye and go, arrange a time and day when he can call you, give it three or four days at least, txt instead, but don't worry if he doesn't reply quickly the first few days are often pretty busy for new boarders.

[MillyMollyMama]

I am slightly concerned, OP, that your son aged 11, is your "rock". I love my DDs and largely enjoyed their company but they were children, not emotional rocks. They were very happy to board and perhaps you need to look at how you are managing your life to see why you appear dependent upon a child. You should not be crying all the time because you are giving your son a wonderful opportunity to flourish. If he has not had the opportunity to do this at home, he will have a great time at school.

You can share in this by visiting the school on every occasion parents are invited. Make an effort even if you are far away. Try and involve grandparents. At my DDs boarding school, there were plenty of occasions for parents to come to school if they wished, eg sport, plays, music, chapel, house suppers etc. Most boarding schools now are not really the type where you don't see your child for months on end. Can you organise your life so you can visit as appropriate? We used to go back to school at the start if term much as HG describes. Also, schools do know it can be a wrench for parents, but everyone finds a way to manage and it makes visits and exeats all the more special.

[summerends]

If you are dependent on your DS for happiness then that does not sound the best foundation for your future relationship with him, he may start to feel it as a burden as MillyMolly says. If your grief is overwhelming when he goes then don't hesitate to seek outside help. Your DS will want to see you happy just as you want him to be happy. Both of you will find the parting hard but it does get easier. The time passes more quickly if you find a focus of activity so start planning for that now. Also plan how you can have regular conversations by phone or Skype or whatever but be sensitive to the fact that the more time he spends with the other DC and activities the more quickly he will settle in.

[IndridCold]

The last few days of the holidays are always the worst for me, I have had to fight back tears on a couple of occasions. But once he's back (and I'm back home) I'm fine.

If you are confident you have made the right choice, you really just have to put your brave face on for now. Once your DS is happy and settled you will feel better about things.

The time does pass incredibly quickly though, it won't be long before he's slumped in your car at the end of term, saying 'I can't wait to get home!'

[grovel]

One consolation. It is unlikely that you will have to cope with much teenage angst from your DS. Boarding schools are not good places for adolescents mooching about being bolshy and home becomes a place which is not taken for granted. I think my (already good) relationship with my DS actually improved when he started boarding. Just about all time together became "Quality Time" (horrible expression but it serves a purpose).

[Dapplegrey]

I have a tip for boarding parents who are new to it if you live more than 20 mins away:
When you collect him for an exeat/end of term bring a small picnic - a sandwich, a choc biscuit & a banana or whatever. They are often tired and their blood sugar is low which can make them grumpy.
Something to eat helps the exeat start in cheerful mode.

[Kenlee]

All I can say to this is we have just survived year 7. She has throughly enjoyed it. She has made new friends. She has done extremely well in her exams.

She likes to study .....

Now the summer holiday is nearly over. She has spent most of the time with us. Doing what nothing much but just enjoying being together...

So don't worry... I actually think its harder on the parents rather than the children

[Pepperpot69]

My DSs can't wait to go back, of course they love home but they love boarding life too. One started when he was 7 and the other was 8yrs, they are ow 10 & 11yrs. It has been harder for me than them but I see how happy they are and how much they gain from a boarding school education, I could never deny it to them now.
Good luck and be strong!

[MillyMollyMama]

Dapplegrey - I had to do that every day after school before they boarded!!!

[happygardening]

Good idea dapple my DS is always starving I've got shares in that M and S at junction 13 of the M4! They'll miss my custom when he finishes in 2016.

[IndridCold]

Our first stop on the way home is M&S at Reading services!

[vixsatis]

C Day-Lewis wrote a poem about watching his son go into school. This is the last verse:

"I have had worse partings but none that so,
Gnaws at my mind still. Perhaps
it is roughly saying what God alone could perfectly know,
How selfhood begins with a walking away
And love is proved in the letting go"

It is really hard; but you are doing the right thing for your son and he will love you all the more for it. Remember that he will still have nearly six months of the year at home.grovel is absolutely right about "Quality Time".

Lots of good advice above. I would particularly echo: (i) don't hang around or make long goodbyes; and (ii) always go armed with food. My son has been away since he was eight and has never liked phoning home, because he finds it unsettling. You may find that e-mail is easier on both of you. It's also a good idea to send lots of letters stuffed with amusing cuttings from the newspapers or photographs etc..

He will be ok: he'll be busy with new friends and activities. You will, once he is back find that you are ok too.

[happygardening]

All through my childhood my parents always had two poems on the kitchen notice board; the famous Pastor Niemoller poem First they came.... (I still have their copy and I taught it and discussed what it means with my DC's when they were little)
and this I didn't know for many years who wrote it;

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

I often think of it when my DS returns to school.

[vixsatis]

happy. That's Khalil Gibran.

Funny that no-one's come on yet to say that boarding parents don't love their children......

[happygardening]

vix I'm amazed none of the anti boarding brigade haven't hijacked this thread with their unpleasant uninformed comments given the current string feeling about boarding at the moment on MN.
Sadly someone had a go at the OP on another very specific thread!

[summerends]

In any case, thank you both for reminding and enriching me with those poems

[SpikeStoker]

When I went to boarding school, many, many years ago my mother cried all the way home after dropping me off. She still says it was the hardest thing she has ever done. She also admits it was the best decision we ever made. My relationship with my parents is amazing and I never looked back. My DS started boarding last term. He loves it. There are lots of opportunities for my DH and I to visit. I invest in humorous cards and send them with news of home every few days. Also feed as soon as you pick your DS up is excellent advice. Sending your DC away to school is much harder on the parent than the child. It is also a great gift. Know you are doing the best thing for your DS, paste a smile on your face and cry all the way home. Wishing you all the best.