should my dd move schools?

[tpmum4]

My dd is 12, in year 8. She had a great first year at school, loved it, got very into all sorts of new things and had nice friends. Around Christmas this year she had a horrible episode of being bullied, and was really hating school, and I put her name down for another local school, which is hugely popular and oversubscribed, not really thinking she would get in. Now they have offered her a place. I don't know what to do! She is ok now at school, though not super-happy, but is into all sorts of fun things and the school love her and make a big fuss of her. But the school is in a slightly uncertain state - the head is leaving and it's all a bit fragile. The other school is academically better, and I am sure she would be happy there, but I am not sure it's worth the stress of moving and neither is she. Any advice?? Oh, and we have to decide today!

[mulv2222]

What does she want to do?

[teenagetantrums]

I think you should ask her what she wants to do, has she seen the school? if you think the school is better and she wants to move go for it. Just make it clear to your DD that she wont be able to change back after a few weeks if she doesn't like it.

[teenagetantrums]

Oh and if you want the weekend to think about it just say yes you can always change your mind on Monday and it will take the pressure off.

[Gunfleetsands]

You said your DD had nice friends in her first year. Has the bullying stopped completely. Does she still have those nice friends now or were they the ones who bullied her (or did they do nothing to help when she was bullied by others)? If she does still have a good set of friends (new or from last year) then it might be difficult for her to want to move.

A few years ago one of my DDs moved Form (Yr 9) to get away from the mean girls and never looked back. She found nice friends and the mean ones eventually left her alone. Changing schools will seem very daunting but if she wants a new start then It might be a good idea. However, she would have to start the new school with a very positive attitude and really want to make a new start. Like teenagetantrums says she wont be able to change back after a few weeks if she doesn't like it.

[tpmum4]

she does have friends still, and seems to be making others, I think we are almost decided that she should stay. The hard thing is that the new school is just a much better school - but on the other hand she is doing really well at her existing school, so it might not make that much difference to her. It's reassuring that you're all confirming that there's no clear answer here - which is what, in the end, makes me think that it's probably not worth the stress of moving.

[Lancelottie]

A few more things to consider:

How near is the other school? A much longer journey or similar?
How do options for GCSEs compare? Do both schools do subjects she'll want to take?
Does she know anyone at the other school?
Has she visited it and talked to staff and children there?
Most importantly (I'd say) is she able to be herself at her current school?

I moved one of mine after listening yet again to the staff telling me how much better he'd fit in if he just learnt to be more like the others. But you say the staff love her and she is into lots of fun things, which sounds pretty good.

[Fatphase]

Year 8 9 and 10 are rife for girls falling out, bitching and bullying so it is so hard to know what to do. There will always be big fallings out and queen bee behavior where ever they go but I do sympathise greatly with your dilemma.

My DD had a horrendous year 9 with bitching bullying by exclusion etc. Her self esteem just plummeted.

By the end of year 9 things seemed alot better and she had a new bunch of friends. She was slowly regaining some confidence.

She is now year 10. We got to Xmas and I have to say a couple weeks running upto Xmas I knew something was up but didnt dig too deep as I didnt want to make a fuss and blow something up that may blow over. However after Xmas things deteriorated again. I ended up at the school and there were lots of meetings etc and things do appear to be sorted out again for now - although there is still an certain degree of nasty under current that is definately there but too minor/difficult for school to do anything about. DD is fine and dealing/ignoring it and getting on with school life and her nicer new friends.

I personally regret not moving her at the end of yr 9 . We came very very close to doing so but because the problem seemed to have resolved itself we decided it was not worth the upset (also where to move her was also an issue). Things are OK for her now but there is always the worry with this snide undercirrent that things will flare up again. I personally and counting the days until the end of Yr11 now, when she will move to sixth form or college elsewhere.

But then again whats to say girl dramas wont kick off elsehwhere.

I think (with my hindsight) if I had a better school that was easy to get to daily and for meeting up with friends socially, I would be more likely to move.

[Gunfleetsands]

tpmum4

That's great about her friends. The fact she is doing really well is also very positive. I expect had there been a place at the other school when she was unhappy she would have moved. However, now that things have improved and she is doing lots of fun things it makes the decision so much more difficult.

Good luck.

[Bagpussss]

I just made a terrible mistake by not moving my YR8 DD when I had the chance as I thought she had a fab group of friends, I refused a fab school place and a week later something happened and my DD has been frozen out of the group. DD spent half term with a couple of primary school friends, and only once did she play out with a school friend from her school. Please look at the bigger picture and not just base your decision on friendships, at the moment I am still kicking myself and it hurts, lol.

[TheLeftovermonster]

Presumably she can do fun things at the new school too. I'd probably move her, unless she was very very reluctant.

[MerryWinterfel]

I would go for the best school, as long as its not too far away and she wants to.

[MerryWinterfel]

Because (pressed post too soon) she is not 'super-happy' and is only OK at the school she is in now.

[Mintyy]

I would only move her if you can be 100% certain that there won't be any bullying at the new school - which presumably you can't?

[AnimalsAreMyFriends]

I moved my ds at the end of Y8 - after horrendous bullying - by staff as well as kids. He has stayed in touch with the kids he was friendly at his previous school.
He has had a few 'blips' since at his new school-no school is perfect, but the positive change in him has made us realise just how unhappy he was - the decline had been gradual. We now have the happy, motivated child he was, when he left primary school.