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No weekend because to many cautions

(28 Posts)
Kenlee Sat 14-Dec-13 00:28:14

I was having my weekly Tango with my daughter. When her friend popped on the screen to say Hi. Yes at her school they are very well mannered.

I knew she was a weekly boarded and asked her why your not at home this weekend. The answer horrified me. It was because she had received to many cautions that her mother was not willingly to pick her up.

Although, Its not much of a punishment as she prefers to be at school with her friends....

LIZS Wed 18-Dec-13 08:36:31

^ Anyway dd friend has negotiated to stay in school 3 weekend out of 4. Which also surprises me too....^ Depends on the culture of the school . If most are full boarders then weeklies may feel left out , likewise reverse can be true of a mainly weekly/flexi boarding and day school. Also maybe her home life is disrupted, parents travel lot for work or siblings living away for example and continuity is better at school.

OpalTourmaline Tue 17-Dec-13 23:57:01

Im sure DD friend's parents know what they are doing I just found that odd. I suppose its also normal for the UK It's hard to say whether it's normal in the UK as only a fairly small percentage of UK kids go to boarding school. I would think it is not a common thing for parents of boarders to do. Good news that your dd is enjoying herself though.

Kenlee Tue 17-Dec-13 23:24:31

Oh I dont doubt that the school has its way of disciplining the girls. In fact the cautions were for missing homework and leaving stuff out that should have been tidied.

Im quite surprised that it is the norm for kids in the UK to say hello....good morning and the like. I found it extremely pleasing that my DD friends would actually do that.

Im sure DD friend's parents know what they are doing I just found that odd. I suppose its also normal for the UK. Anyway dd friend has negotiated to stay in school 3 weekend out of 4. Which also surprises me too....

If I was in the UK I would hope my DD would want to stay weekends. I asked my daughter this hypothetical question. To my surprise she said its a good job your in HK .....because I do love being with you but School time is where my friends are.. I suppose its time to let go.....

MrsSchadenfreude Tue 17-Dec-13 08:57:31

Loshad, my DD boards and they break up tomorrow. smile (Although she has come home as she has finished her end of term exams.)

DowntonTrout Tue 17-Dec-13 08:49:07

I think Cory is correct.

Popping on screen to say " hi" does not constitute good manners, it is just the normal thing to do. When I'm skpeing or facetiming DD her friends all wave and say hello Mrs Downton.

If your DDs friend has been left in school for the weekend as punishment, well, that's not so good. School shouldn't be used as a punishment, especially when boarding, as it reinforces negativity.

I wouldn't dream of withholding a home visit if DD had misbehaved. Thankfully, it seems your DDs friend is quite happy staying at school. Often weekly boarders can miss out on lots of fun and activities if there is a majority of full time the school.

cory Tue 17-Dec-13 08:37:30

There are perhaps some cultural differences here, Kenlee. To the British way of thinking not acknowledging a friend's parent would seem extremely rude, to do it is just normal, doesn't mean you are unusually well mannered. And certainly doesn't mean you are otherwise well behaved.

My ds has had a number of detentions for not doing homework and playing around in class and I fully agree with the school in dishing them out. I'd still expect him to have the basic manners of saying hello to people.

But that is not the point here.

The point is that you do not know the back story.

There may be all sorts of reasons why this is a sensible punishment for this particular child. She may have behaved very badly, or it may simply be a case of her needing to stay in school to catch up with work she is not doing at the times she should be doing it.

That is the rationale behind ds' detentions: it's not that the teachers think he is a nasty or rude boy, but that the work needs to get done.

It may be that this has been discussed with the girl and she has already had several warnings.

You simply don't know.

Also, don't forget that because your dd is a long way off you probably feel more protective of her and more inclined to cherish every moment with her. Parents who have their dc closer at hand can afford to be a little tougher or a little more casual because they get many more opportunities to demonstrate their affection. So they may come across as less caring even if they are not.

My db was horrified when I told him that my dc occasionally got on my nerves: he declared solemnly that he could never feel that about his son. But then he lived in a different country from his son and only saw him every few months so every moment they had together had to be a precious one. I lived in the same house as my dc and saw them every day, so we had plenty of times for all kinds of different moments.

LIZS Tue 17-Dec-13 08:05:55

So it was the parents' punishment not school's ? You can't possibly know what led up to this or the family circumstances and given that it was a week before end of term , hardly the end of the world and I bet there were parties in the boarding house to occupy them. Did she seem upset ? If she said hi without introduction that isn't particularly well mannered, surely that time is for you to talk to dd.

Kenlee Tue 17-Dec-13 05:38:32

Well you see in Chinese culture saying hi is deemed well mannered acknowledge the presence of another. hmmm so by saying I live in another continent your saying I don't love my daughter....

I just think its a horrid thing to punish her in that way. I was just seeing if it was normal. It seems by your response pixie it is....

Life goes on....Im sure her friend will get over it eventually....

NigellasDealer Tue 17-Dec-13 00:50:39

When her friend popped on the screen to say Hi. Yes at her school they are very well mannered
many of my children's friends say hi to me and they go to scumbag comprehensive - what was your point?

pixiepotter Tue 17-Dec-13 00:45:35

when your child is on the same continent as you , maybe then you have room to criticise someono else 's parenting

OpalTourmaline Mon 16-Dec-13 19:04:29

Does children saying "hi" demonstrate that they are very well mannered then?

Kenlee Sun 15-Dec-13 22:03:04

She broke up Friday....Flies out tonight....yeah can't wait to see her....

I was talking about the previous weekend....

Direct flight to HK....11+ hrs.....

Coconutty Sun 15-Dec-13 18:58:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LIZS Sun 15-Dec-13 18:15:57

Not sure I quite understand your meaning . Is it that school gave her a weekend detention or that her mother was so appalled she would not collect her ? Agree most boarding secondaries have broken up now , unless students are going on organised trips and need to stay over. If your dd got gated for similar would you be told ?

Loshad Sun 15-Dec-13 18:11:08

Is your daughter at school in the uk? Because I do not know of a single boarding school that has not broken up by now.

Floggingmolly Sun 15-Dec-13 17:36:40

I really wanted to cuddle the young lady hmm
If your dd is at full term boarding school 7000 miles away; you should have no pity to spare for her friend who hasn't gone home this weekend...

happygardening Sun 15-Dec-13 15:16:24

OP I'm surprised your daughter hasn't broken up for Xmas most boarding schools have.

Unexpected Sun 15-Dec-13 12:34:03

Maybe four cautions in a term is a lot??? I don't think anyone here can really comment without knowing how severe a reprimand a caution is in this particular school? Either way, this is really between the other student and her parents.

Kenlee Sun 15-Dec-13 09:11:54

ha ha...Scaevola.....

I did.....but really wanted to cuddle the young lady....

Coconutty Sun 15-Dec-13 08:27:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaevola Sun 15-Dec-13 08:21:57

I thought you were drinking, dancing or applying fake tan!

I'd keep my beak out of another DC's behavioural issues. And I wouldn't necessarily take what I'd been told at face value.

Kenlee Sun 15-Dec-13 08:17:21

My daughter is a full boarder. Tango is a new App in which we video call at the weekend. We live 7000 miles away. I just felt sorry for her friend who was also talking on the call. She was putting a brave face on it by saying prefer to be at school with my daughter...Although I do doubt the wisdom of no pickup for getting cautions...I think 4 cautions a term is not really a problem

clarinsgirl Sun 15-Dec-13 00:02:18

Your post is very hard to follow. If I understand correctly, you are horrified that your daughter's friend has been left at school for the weekend as a punishment. Your own daughter is also at school for the weekend. I don't know what point you are trying to make.

Floggingmolly Sat 14-Dec-13 23:48:42

Why was your daughter not at home with you?

RedLondonBus Sat 14-Dec-13 23:47:50

I don't know either!

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