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Having 2 DD at diiferent secondary. Is this madness?

(54 Posts)
fortifiedwithtea Wed 09-Oct-13 02:03:56

DD1 is very bright and goes to the Humanities academy 5 minutes walk away. She is currently in Yr11

DD2 has learning difficulties and is school action plus but like her sister is good at sport provided its not a sport that needs hand/eye co-ordination. She wants to go to the sports academy a good 30 minutes walk away.

I can not drive due to epilepsy.

If the 2 schools were side by side I would let DD2 go to her first choice without any hesitation.

I would like to hear from people who have DC at different secondary. DD1 is quite put out about it. How quickly do they get over a sibling going to the rival school

Pixiedust1973 Sat 12-Oct-13 15:03:44

Good luck. smile

fortifiedwithtea Fri 11-Oct-13 21:17:11

smile @ Pixiedust1973 thanks for your encouraging reply.

We are going to get DD2 to walk to the sports academy and back so she can judge the reality of doing it every day. I need to judge the reality of it too because I'll have to walk it to get her if she is sent home ill.

Arrange a visit during school hours and arrange to see the SEN team.

Then DD2 can make an informed decision.

Pixiedust1973 Fri 11-Oct-13 16:00:27

Had to lol at the rival schools thing. My daughters both go to different secondary schools & it has been really good for them both. My eldest is very high attaining & well behaved but lacks confidence. When we moved here there was no place for her at the local school so she got a place at a school 3 miles away. My youngest has always struggled at school in every way & just recently been diagnosed with ASD. She was always being told off & compared to her very different sister, who in turn had to put up with complaints about her. Going to a school in the next town on the bus has really helped my eldests confidence, & she is able to be herself rather than the naughty kids sister. My youngest goes to our local secondary school & I can walk her there. It is good for her not to have an academic very well behaved sister who has gone before her to be compared to. Not what we initially planned, but worked out for the best for everyone. smile

Blu Thu 10-Oct-13 21:01:32

What would you do if DD2 did not have an older sibling?

KittiesInsane Thu 10-Oct-13 14:06:30

Maybe just admitting to the older girl that you realise how unfair it is on her might help?

I expect too much of my youngest child, who has to be accommodating in a way that comes hard to an 11-yr-old. Sometimes just saying, 'Look, your sibs cannot help their needs, but, yes, I can see that's unfair to you' seems to help.

lljkk Thu 10-Oct-13 13:26:05

I think DD1 jealous because she has long had carer duties that the DD2 won't ever have. Maybe those impacted things like school choices the DD1 made originally. Everything else is distraction.
It's never been fair on the DD1 & maybe the OP will find a way to make it up to her in some way.

NynaevesSister Thu 10-Oct-13 12:41:51

Also go back to your DD2 school and look for some advice on the SN forum here. The school does not know who will get a statement and who doesn't. What should happen is that you sit down with the SENCO and fill in a CAF form. The school also needs to have her seen by an educational psychologist and also a paediatrician. Both reports should be sent too. This then goes to the LA Panel and they decide on whether the case merits a statement. And whether you get one depends on the panel too - one panel might grant a statement while another doesn't. You can apply again if turned down.

exexpat Thu 10-Oct-13 11:55:20

I still don't get why DD1 would be jealous of DD2 going to a different school - was it that she wanted to go to the further one but you wouldn't let her because you needed her to be emergency contact for you?

But I don't think her jealousy is really the problem - it would be getting DD2 to a school much further away if her SN mean she can't get there by herself, and your health issues mean you won't always be able to take her.

Rather than DD2's preference and the sports angle, I think you need to concentrate on what is practicable given your family situation, and also which school offers better support for DD2's special needs. At 11, the choice of school cannot be solely down to the child - parents need to look at the bigger picture.

moldingsunbeams Thu 10-Oct-13 11:48:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fiishfingers Thu 10-Oct-13 10:37:19

I have 4 children at 4 different schools. There are adv and dis .Do what is best for dd2.

lljkk Thu 10-Oct-13 10:33:07

ps: I have 2 at different secondaries but no illness or SN involved; they just squabble merrily about which school is better. I try to ignore.

lljkk Thu 10-Oct-13 10:32:26

Who has decided that the DD2 cannot cross road safely. Will she ever be able to do that by herself?

Someone else needs to become OP's 1st ICE.

DS is NT, nearly 14yo, & can't tie own shoelaces (mental hangup). We have locklaces on his PE shoes or velcro, work fine. Problem sorted.

ll31 Thu 10-Oct-13 08:01:26

Think you send dd2 to the other school which is besy for her, and reconsider your ice contact. Also cut dd1 some slack, maybe she's been feeling responsibility of being ice contact as a mmajor thing, even if she hadn't been called often. you don't actually sound v nice the way you speak about her esp compared to way you speak about your younget dd.

sashh Thu 10-Oct-13 07:23:09

If DD is so put out about her sister going to a different school suggest DD1 goes to VI form at DD2's school. She will soon get over herself.

Why should DD2 'suffer' (sorry needed a milder word and couldn't get one) because she has an older sister?

Id dd2 was an only child where would she be going to school?

MinesAPintOfTea Wed 09-Oct-13 19:21:09

There's two problems here then.

Firstly DD2 will need escorting to school well beyond yr7. If there isn't LA support and you are not in a position to reliably get her to the further school (not knowing what your work/disability limitations are) then you might have to rule it out as being impossible to get to. If there is support or you can get her to her preferred school, especially if it has better SN provision, then it might be worth going for it.

Secondly it sounds as though you need to find a new ICE contact either way. Even if DD1 was to stay at her current school she would be leaving it in 2 years (as titchy said) so keeping her is only a stop-gap measure. Do you have any friends or other local family who could do it? If DD2 isn't capable to handling that then sending her to DD1's school doesn't help with needing an ICE. DD2 sounds like she has a hard enough time without making her go to a less suitable school for no practical reason.

So basically, decide whether you can get DD2 to the further school and choose schools based on that. Try to use the next 9 months before DD1 goes to 6th form to line up a new ICE so she can also choose freely. This is obviously the harder problem.

fortifiedwithtea Wed 09-Oct-13 18:30:08

Oh dear I've not made it clearer sad that's why I tried to keep it simple.

Of course DD1 must grow up and make her own choices. I am not her responsibility. I'm trying to show why she resents her sister going to the school further away. DD1 does have too much to say at times.

Sometimes its hard to be a parent and then the roles are reversed and your child has to take charge. But she has only been called out once in 5 years so very rare. These days I only have a seizure every couple of months and haven't been admitted to hospital for 3 years although the ambulance has been called a few times usually by well meaning members of the public, not many people take the risk that they have correctly diagnosed a known epileptic and know the appropriate first aid

It was DD1 choice to be my ICE because she knows I can not rely on DH. That's another long story. Let's not get into that sad

titchy Wed 09-Oct-13 17:39:05

Presumably you'd need to rethink who is your ICE when dd1 leaves home anyway, so I don't think choosing a 6th form for her or a school for dd2 just so either one of them can step in for you is a good idea. Let her go to the school she wants, and your dd1 to the 6th form she wants.

fortifiedwithtea Wed 09-Oct-13 15:13:00

OK I'll put more 'meat on the bones' I was hoping to keep to the point and be a drip feeder.

DD1 is my ICE that's in case of emergency contact. In 5 years of secondary she has only been called out of school once when I had a seizure at the doctors surgery. I have an aid call button at home. DD1 wants to transfer to sixth form at a school in the town so will be out of range as she need to get a train. She was hoping to pass the mantel of ICE onto her younger sister. I can NOT AND WILL allow that, although DD2 deals with my seizures better than DD1 at home, she can not use a mobile phone and would not have the language skills to deal with panicking people.

DD2 can not cross a road on her own, she needs her friends/me to help her dress, she can not do laces due to difficulties with her hands, she has OT to help with her handwriting, she needs special pens and pencils for writing. She has a chromosome 11 mutation don't know what that means but she gets a flu jab because of it. She has difficulty converting iron into useable iron in her blood but is not anaemic. OT told us she will have to do exercise all her life because her ligaments are slightly lax otherwise she will have joint pain. DD2 can not 'get' numbers and goes out of class for SEN maths lessons. Her language skills are poor and this make literacy comprehension hard. But despite all this the school tell us she will never get a Statement of Educational need. Aargh.

What DD2 can do is ice skate very well. She will be in the Christmas show at our local rink. She is in the school cross country team so in the top six fastest girls in her year . She is very happy and makes friends easily and all the teachers adore her and say she is well behaved and always tries her best.

DD1 is a teen so that says it all. Equally talented in sport a sprinter, swimmer and played in 2 football teams but chose to give it all up. She have always been very jealous to DD2. She has a really bad attitude and currently the school will not allow her to go to prom. She got sacked from work experience last year for being rude. TBH I'll worry the teachers would be prejudiced to see DD2 after teaching her sister.

Have I made the story any clearer? confused

cory Wed 09-Oct-13 13:25:37

I can understand that there may be an issue about getting the younger dd to her school 30 mins away if her own SN do not allow her to walk on her own and the OP is not well enough to walk with her. But try as I may I cannot see how the existence of an almost adult NT dd at another school has any bearing on this. And that was how the OP worded her post.

TheRobberBride Wed 09-Oct-13 12:48:47

I don't really see the problem. I think your main priority should be ensuring that your DD2 goes to the school that is best able to support her needs and help her reach her potential.

I went to a girls school a 25 minute walk away. My brothers went to a boys school a 15 minute walk away in the opposite direction. I can never recall it being an issue for any of us or my parents.

Bemused33 Wed 09-Oct-13 12:40:34

the chances are that my children will all go to different secondarys. dd is likely for a girls grammar, ds1 is only 6 so who knows he will go. the only thing i know is that it won't be a girls grammar ;) ds2 is 2 years old so who knows. I think different primary schools is more difficult to deal with they are dependent on being picked up. we did look at ds2 going to another primary and the logistics are just too hard but secondary when they are independent is surely not as much of a problem.

Lifeisontheup Wed 09-Oct-13 12:08:44

I had 3 DC's, all at different secondary schools, one at an SEN school and never had a problem. I took DS (SEN) until he was capable of using public transport and the other two used public transport from 11 years old.

KittiesInsane Wed 09-Oct-13 11:49:14

Yes, it was -- I have one with SEN myself and was quite prepared to take you literally!

moldingsunbeams Wed 09-Oct-13 11:40:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moldingsunbeams Wed 09-Oct-13 11:34:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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