I was talking to a friend the other day about her DD's secondary school. A mixed sex comprehensive which has quite a reasonable reputation in our area and gets above average results. She mentioned, sexting, nude pictures of girls getting posted on facebook, smoking outside the school gates, lots of self harm going on (all this among a bunch of 13 years olds) and a general feeling that her DD was lost in a big school and there was no real push to help her achieve academically. She said that all her friends found their DDs secondary schools to be basically the same and she just thought that was how the world was nowadays with the internet and facebook etc.
I don't know if this is realistic or not but I would really love my DD to have a chance to be a child while she still is one. I would like to find a secondary school for her that is small, caring, nuturing and single sex but also good academically. She seems to be pretty academically inclined and I also feel that doing well at school will give her more choices in the future.
I live in South West London, so that would be my preference in terms of location but we have a few years to go so really could move anywhere in the South East of England for the right school.
I would consider state, faith or independent schools. We are practising Catholics but late baptism would rule her out for the schools that use this criteria. Independent school would be a stretch financially but potentially possible. I wouldn't consider boarding school or home education.
If anyone has any good ideas please let me know. Thanks.
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Secondary education
Where can I find the right secondary school for DD?
CottonWoolWrapper · 19/05/2013 21:35
Ummm, I am sorry your friend feels like that, and I am sure there is some truth in it, but I think pretty well all secondary schools have these or similar stories circulating - it depends to whom you talk. I cannot think of a secondary school that won't have some kids smoking as near to the school gates as they can get away with - that is a traditional symbol of teenage rebellion IMO. And these stories circulate.......At secondary school you know very little often about what is going on, in terms of hard facts.
I live in the area - tbh I would repost asking for advice about schools in SW London - there are lots of MNers round here. and take it from there. What schools have you been thinking about (SW London is a big area, at least for schools with distance criteria)?
The issue of feeling lost in a big school is a separate one - but I would say that means lost in a school with poor pastoral care. Some small schools have that too. I looked round some small schools looking for caring, but actually decided too small was not a good thing - not enough variety, so much less going on, less ambitious.Do you want all girls for a particular reason or because you think there will be less sex n drugs n stuff and that they are more nurturing (I would disagree with both those assumptions).
I would look for a school with good results that tackles problems well - not one that tries to present as being from an age of innocence that perhaps never existed. I don't mean that to sound harsh 
- when my dc were at primary school my hair stood on end too - and still does sometimes - but teenagers come in all shapes and sizes, and I suspect most schools will have a sprinkling of ones that behave in the way you describe, and many who do not. All the London secondary schools I know have stories circulating about drunken parties, for example. I know many children at those schools who do not drink.It is partly luck, a following wind, and giving your child the confidence and self esteem to make their own choices.
I'm also in SW London, but my dds are still a couple of years away from secondary school.
I think pastoral care makes a huge difference, so I would look into that side of things as well as academics. I think some degree of 'exploring' so called 'adult' stuff is bound to happen anywhere (it certainly did in my small girl's private school a million years ago, though not as overtly) but I certainly wouldn't be ok with smoking outside school gates and nude pictures on FB 
Sounds to me as though your friend may be rationalizing the fact that she can't stop this happening in her dd's class?
I have also heard that Y8 (13 year olds) is the hardest year for many - it's a tricky age in terms of confidence, and there is less focus. Y7=being new, and somewhat protected from the rest of the school in many schools, and Y9=choosing options for GCSE, and then work is far more focused. But Y8 a bit of a wasteland, so nonsense proliferates.
No idea of thats true, but it made sense when I heard it!
Agree that re-posting about SW London schools might help. Would be good to pinpoint the area a bit more, in order to help.
All schools are not basically the same. But I think the rumours and semi-facts spread about them often are. It just depends who is talking (I speak as one who hears a huge range of opinions - from other parents who have children there - about my dcs' school). I discovered - after I had left - that my secondary school was famously druggie.
Lots of schools in South London have "nerdy" children wearing unfashionable clothes and not being teased, IME, and certainly plenty taking their time growing up and finding their own - often eccentric - ways of doing it. I would concentrate on giving your dd the tools to recognise and resist peer pressure, rather than trying to find somewhere it doesn't exist. If you move to a GS area and she doesn't get in, what then? Or what if the admissions policies which somehow up till then had excluded kids likely to start smoking at 13 (struggling to imagine what those might be ), change?
I have heard - first hand - of appalling cases of bullying being dealt with badly at all types of secondary school, including all girls' church schools. If bullying is dealt with well, then teasing probably is, and people have less to fear from being different. Everything follows from good pastoral care, IMO.
What I meant about posting a new thread title, is I would report in this section but mentioning SW London, and also search previous threads. SOuth London is packed full of MNers interested in schools!
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OP, given you say you can consider such a wide range of schools (including independent, church; and you say she is academically inclined), and you live in SW London, then I would stay put . You will probably have as wide a "choice" as it is possible to get, lots of good schools that she might get places at, all within reasonably easy travelling distance.
Also, I do understand your concerns about your dd. I am sure many of us worried about the same things. One thing I would suggest is to try to engage with facebook and so on yourself, so you understand it. It is merely another method of communication and when I did I found I had misunderstood quite a lot. I now feel better able to talk to my dc about it, especially about privacy, in a realistic way. I know of a few people who have had negative experiences with facebook but they are very much in the minority - for many it is very useful and fun.
I hope the last few posts from different people have reassured you a little. They make very good points. I am not sure comparing with our own schooldays is helpful - I think attitudes to difference, mental heath, bullying, pastoral care, inclusion etc etc are all very different now, and in decent schools, policies and practice reflect that. and most schools will be more diverse anyway.
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