How do stop younger "PRODIGAL DD" from bullying older average DD.(34 Posts)
DD"2 yr 8 prodigal top of her Grammar School,Excelerated learning,Maths and Physics G.C.S.E yr9. Constantly bullies her yr 10 High School sister about her inteligence. Always saying i want to go to Oxbridge, where are you going to go,the situation is not helped by their father "PHYSICS PROFESSOR" who when he has them is always calling DD"2 "A DISGRACE" and praising DD1 Maths and Physics prowess. DD2 works very hard and is on C/B border for maths C/B border for Double Science award. When DD"2 comes back from a weekend with him she is always downcast and upset. DD"1 can be very spiteful to me and is always telling,DD"2 how she is thick.
If I were you, I would be telling DD2 that being very clever is not the be all and end all - especially if no-one likes you because of your obnoxious behaviour. I understand that she is taking this lead from her father, but you can have an influence too, by letting her know it is not acceptable in anyway to treat anyone how she is treating her sister.
Secondly, please talk to DD1 and let her know that she doesn't have to see her father if he makes her feel so terrible. He is being emotionally abusive and there is no excuse for that. Tell him how DD1 is feeling, and if it continues and your daughter feels supported enough, maybe she'll just stop seeing him. From the sounds of him it wouldn't be any great loss.
I was, and still am, a lot more academically advantaged than my brother, but I have and would never make him feel bad about it, or even point it out. What he lacks in academic talent he more than makes up for with his character - people genuinely seem to love him and speak highly of him no matter what, whereas I am much mre introverted and people overlook me. I would happily give up some of my academic ability in exchange for his character.
Just a small point: people from the north are not "less fortunate". We have fire and indoor plumbing and electricity and everything now.
I think you need to remember that your dd2, however unpleasant, is a child whose behaviour you need to control, not an adult whom you can resent or whose views (on Northern comprehensives or whatever) you need to adopt as your own in your arguments with her. Are you perhaps identifying her with her father and projecting the (quite justifiable) irritation you feel against with onto the daughter who parrots the sayings of her father? (and do you think your ex might perhaps be doing the same with your other daughter?)
This is bound to end in tears. You are the adult, you must speak and act as the adult. That means zero tolerance of rudeness and bullying, but it also means sticking to adult ideas of dignity and not letting yourself get drawn into arguments on a pre-teen level.
UPDATE. Last night i had a long chat with both DD"s,i said we have got to stop all this bitterness to each other. DD1 and2 have accepted,that they have different qualties and strengths,DD2 is not very sporty where as DD1 is excellent at most sports,DD2 also knows she has got to try harder at being nice to people,and not putting them down on academic abillty. Finally their father has come round to spending time with DD1,on her own. DDS1 relationship with her father was fractured when we split up,DD1 was aware of the problems,whereas DD2 was to young and her father just kept on praising her academic abilty. At the end of the chat DD1 and DD2 hugged each other.
Wow, that's fantastic! I'm sure it won't be easy but it sounds like you have found a good way forward.
It's great you have managed to have a talk with all three of you and hopefully you will be able to work on from that.
But at the same time, I think you do need to work on your relationship with dd2. If you take the above statement we have one positive about dd1 (excellent at most sports) and three negative ones about dd2 (not very sporty; try harder to be nicer; not putting people down).
When dd1 goes to her father, then take the time to spend with dd2 for your relationship.
I really think if you are able to praise dd2 for her abilities then she will lose the need to brag about them to dd1. Because what she's doing is trying to get your approval.
The person I know who was in a similar position to your dd2 hasn't spoken or seen her mum in 15 years. The person whose approval she still would value over everyone elses is her mums.
One of the greatest life-lessons for children as the grow-up is the humility.
It sounds as if you've done the right thing, OP, in hitting the nail on the head with this not-very-nice behaviour.
Often it is the case that the perceived to be "less able/academic" siblings do better in life than the 'clever ones'.
Sorry that first sentence should read: ...for children as they grow up is the art of humility.
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