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How can i get DS to stop Getting DD2 To do his Homework

(19 Posts)
needaholliday Thu 18-Apr-13 18:04:40

DS is in yr8 at an Essex Comprehensive,he is in the bottom sets for all subjects. He has a Sen statement for ADHD and is very challenging,he is supposed to do 45 minutes literacy work each night as well as 20 minutes reading.He refuses to sit down and do the work,and will bang on the bedroom door of DD2 yr10 Essex super selective,to get some peace and quiet she will do his homework in 5 minutes. He will then come downstairs and say ive done my homework, i am playing on my xbox. DD1 who is 26 and a Chemistry teacher who lives with us tries to supervise his homework, but after 10 minutes he will run upstairs to DD2 and DD2 will do his homework,so she can get on with her own homework. I need this to stop for DD2 needs to concentrate on her own studies not DS"s homework this is getting very tiring,and upsetting.The only time he will spend 45 minutes with DD1 is if she promises to buy him a video game, or take him for a MCDONALDS he does not need Mcdonalds does he. I know he wont get 5 A TO C GCSE"s but i still want him to have as good an education as possible. Any fresh ideas would be welcome.

PatriciaHolm Thu 18-Apr-13 18:08:29

What are you currently doing to stop him? You need to tell him to stop and DD2 to stop helping; is there a library she can temporarily use while you address the issue? Are you telling his school that he isn't doing the work himself?

5madthings Thu 18-Apr-13 18:15:20

Tbh 45mins literacy and then 20mins of reading every night sounds a lot. Can you break it into small chunks?

Actually 20mins of reading isnt loads and mine read loads but they like reasing but if he doesnt then the reading and the literacy seems a lot.

You need to stop him hastling his sister and she needs to know to not do his homework.

needaholliday Thu 18-Apr-13 18:19:34

We live 5 Miles from the nearest town,so using a library is very difficult for DD2.I have in the past taken DS"S xbox and hidden it away,but he will just start swearing at DD1 DD2 and me, when DD1 tries to discipline him he says,"ARE YOU PUTTING ME IN DETENTION" you are my sister not my mother. DD1 says he is as challenging as anyone she teaches.

BackforGood Thu 18-Apr-13 19:59:29

YOu need to tell dd2 she can't do it for him, and, if necessary and yes, I have done this put a chair on the landing outside her room and stop him bothering her. Of course it would be easier if she could go and study at a neighbour's house or friends house or something until the habit is broken - yes, I know she shouldn't have to, but she would get a bit of peace and quite for a couple of weeks.
That said, I agree with 5madthings that it sounds like a lot of work for someone who has ADHD and challenging behaviour to be expected to do each night. Can you talk with his learning support department and see if you an work out something more realistic between you ?
Oh, and if he loves the x-box so much, wht not use it as an incentive?
Say 10 mins of reading, then 10 mins of number then 10mins of writing, then you get the x-box, but you don't get it until then. I know it's hard - been there, done that, got the T-shirt - but you know it's what you've got to do to help him longer term.

needaholliday Thu 18-Apr-13 22:27:48

Thank you Back for good for your advice. The school are aware that DS"S Homework is not his,and sometimes keep him in at lunchtime to try and make him do it.The contrast between DD2 and DS is massive,and DD2 who loves DS massively,hears him crying and saying that he will get in to trouble,she cant help but help him. She also knows that it is no good for DS because he wont learn anything if she keeps doing his homework for him and has told DS on many occasions that this is the last time,she will do it. The problem is she always does it when DS puts on a crying temper, DD1and2 are aware that they will have to look after DS for the rest of his life because he will have difficulty founding employment. DD2 feels that she needs to achieve high grades to get to a RG University,so she can have a career that can look after both of them. So could do without the stress now,and it can only get worse when in 2ys she takes AS levels and then A levels if she is spending 3hrs a night studying and DS is performing causing her to lose concentration.

ICanTotallyDance Thu 18-Apr-13 22:57:43

This may not be a popular suggestion, and it is just that, a suggestion, but have you considered a specialist school for your son? If you live 5+ miles a way from a the nearest town, a weekly boarding school might suit? One that has a good SEN provision and/or a very structured evening. They may be taking enrolments for Yr 9, a natural time to start. There may be special funding or a good state boarding school if money's tight.

How long does it take your daughter to do her homework? Could you enrol your DS in an after school activity that allows her some peace and quiet?

Will audio tapes help with his reading? Are the books prescribed or can you choose them- fun books might help.

He has challenging behaviour but is he okay once the homework is out of the way, or does the next thing become an issue? Does he do his classwork? It might be worth having a tutor, although if your DD1 can't help, I'm not sure if this will.

Alternatively, maybe if your DD2 doesn't come home until he's finished his homework? This might be more viable if you lived in a city, but even if its just one night a week, does she have any friends nearby (or an aunt, maybe) who can take her for a few hours?

Is it possible for him to stay at school until he's done his homework? Maybe the school library is open a few hours? A teacher might be willing to help? I guess if he's only 12-13 you can't actually just leave him there until he's done the work though, and did you say lunchtime aren't working?

Is the x-box his or does the whole family use it? If it only belongs to him, try locking it up until he does his homework, maybe?

Finally, a psychologist or psychiatrist might be able to help, but I don't have any experience with that so I can't recommend anyone.

Sounds like you have 2 very lovely and successful daughters and I hope that will a bit of help your DS will be the same.

ICanTotallyDance Thu 18-Apr-13 23:14:40

If you are considering transferring your DS to a SEN school, try the good school guide, which has a good article

I think you can use it for what you'd want for free.

For example, I ran a quick search and it turned up:

I am assuming (perhaps wrongly) that as both your younger children are in mainstream state day schools you have not looked into alternative schooling, such as boarding school, but I sincerely hope that, given the circumstances you would consider it for your DS (or perhaps even for your DD2 if the time comes where she wants to get away and focus on herself).

I hope I have come across as helpful and not patronising!

Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide.

ICanTotallyDance Thu 18-Apr-13 23:17:24

Oh, and I meant an special educational psychiatrist. I'm sure that if he has a SEN statement you have been to professionals already.

creamteas Fri 19-Apr-13 00:15:36

Ican most boarding places at special schools are funded by the LEA, and it is incredibility difficult to get them to agree to do this. You have to prove that no local provision can meet the child's needs.

I also think that part of the problem is that the amount of work set is unachievable. What are his IEP targets are they linked to this amount of work?

It would be much better to start with a more realistic task (eg 10 mins a night) and build up to more.

There are lots of parents in a similar position on the special needs children board, so it might be worth re-posting this there.

ICanTotallyDance Fri 19-Apr-13 01:04:16

creamteas Ah yes, I understand. I am in NZ atm so things are a bit different on the education front and I am a little out of touch. I did think needaholiday may have a case but I am not sure.

And I agree with the more realistic task idea. I feel silly for not mentioning it!

ICanTotallyDance Fri 19-Apr-13 04:26:53

Alternatively, if he will do his homework for an xbox game, maybe do it a game a week/fortnight. If he does his homework for x amount of days he will get a game.

Expensive, maybe a slippery slope but... worth it?

needaholliday Fri 19-Apr-13 17:26:10

Thanks Cream Teas and I Can dance. I have looked at special Boarding Schools for DS,but when i asked him if he would like to go a Boarding School he said "NO WAY I AM NOT GOING". The problems for DD2 going to Boarding School would because DH died 6 years ago money is a bit tight and that is why DD2 lives at home so we can provide together for DD2 and DS,and anyway DD2 loves her School and excelling there. The LA have discussed Specialist Boarding Schools for DS and have told me there would be funding available for him.On a more positive note DD1 took your advice Cream teas regarding 10 minutes at a time,and it worked he came back 2 times without a tantrum last night so we got 30 literacy out of him last night and 10 minutes reading before he went to bed. This was a great relief for DD for once and she was greatfull for a least,one nights peace and quiet.

creamteas Fri 19-Apr-13 17:38:16

I need, glad to know the 10 mins went ok.

I have DC with ASD and it is really important to have manageable tasks. If it is too hard it is daunting. The fear of failing can also stop them trying. This then also impacts on their confidence.

Better to have small steps achieved, than a distance never covered grin

needaholliday Fri 19-Apr-13 17:59:08

CREAMTEAS. With the right support they can achieve decent academic success. I know its relative,but if in 3 years DS gets 4 GCSE Grade E"s i would be as proud as i would be if DD2 gets 10 A"s 4 A levels and gets a place at a RG University. How is your DC doing,is he getting the right support,and reading on this forum ASD sufferers can get to University now. 30 years ago it was different i know because i needed support but got absolutely nothing.

Floralnomad Fri 19-Apr-13 18:04:58

I've just read this and I've no extra advice but I'd just like to say that your daughters sound like an absolute credit to you and their dad ,good luck with your son.

needaholliday Fri 19-Apr-13 18:10:39

I now where you are coming from when you say"FEAR OF FAILING" because your DC is a bit different,and when they do things not quite the normal way,people say things and it kills their confidence. They then end up in a worse place and become withdrawn and unable to do tasks that they could easily do. Is your DC popular with kids at school sometimes kids can see ASD sufferers as characters and generally like them. But there is a thin line between liking them and taking the mickey.

creamteas Fri 19-Apr-13 19:18:04

My two ASD DC are doing ok, thanks. DD is taking GCSEs this year, and has a good chance of getting at least Bs in Maths & Sciences and Cs in a couple of others. Their school is brilliant though, and this makes a big difference.

I work at a good uni, and more and more students with ASD, ADHD etc are coming through and getting good degrees. We had a student who got her Masters last year, after a really troubled school history (ADHD, was excluded from her mainstream school as she was disruptive, but when at the right special school did really well)

My uni has a really good student support dept, and anything from note-takers, learning mentors to technology can be arranged.

With the right support, there is no reason for any SEN child not to be able to achieve to their best ability.

needaholliday Fri 19-Apr-13 23:36:51

It would be great if the student who did her Masters last year,could go around to Schools who have strugling or students with sen statements. She could be inspirational for them.and could make kids believe they can achieve great things, not like 30 years ago when from experience you were discarded and left to suffer and end up with terrible academic qualifacations and a total lack of belief or confidence in not just academic work but life and your future.

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