Year 7 - is this inappropriate talk from this boy or am I naive?

[sandyballs]

DD has told me this morning that a boy in her year keeps asking her if she fingers herself and can he finger her! She says she just walks away. I'm not happy and thinking of either complaining to school about him or his parents.

I know now she's at secondary she will come across all this sort of talk but to directly ask her? WTF? DH thinks its harassment.

Ive posted on here before about this lad. They were in year 6 together and he kept asking the girls about wanking and other stuff. A few parents complained to the teacher and the schools way of dealing with it was to chat to the boys concerned, their parents weren't informed. I remember a few posters on here saying if it was their boy they would want to know, as would I.

So what do I do? I have a meeting at school on we'd so could bring it up then. Shall I speak to his parents or his nan, who I know quite well. He sometimes knocks at home for DD to go to the park. She will never be going there with him now but I'm tempted to invite him in and tell him exactly why and if it continues, I will be round his house like a shot and up the school.

[MrsHerculePoirot]

Inform the school. It is highly inappropriate and would raise concerns in our school. In the majority of cases where inappropriate language/drawings are being used we find the student have access to films/video games/internet in their room etc... that really isn't appropriate for their age group. If the school tell the parents this and can say it is very unusual, not normal at that age etc. this can sometimes give the parents the shock they need to do something about it. Of course there are other reasons which are not nearly so easy to deal with, but definitely tell the school rather than mention it yourself to the parents.

[clam]

Watching this with interest, as I know of a 9 yr old boy who's saying similar things!!!

[BellaVita]

Absolutely inform the school. Speak to the HOY.

This is harassment.

[clam]

And sandy I would have that conversation with him. But the best thing, of course, is that your dd has the strength of character to have told him where to go herself. Because there will be other boys ...

[Acandlelitshadow]

Totally inappropriate and I'd class it as harassment too. I'd definitely raise it with the school especially as there's a meeting coming up anyway.

[pinklantern]

It doesn't matter whether or not you may be naive, or if all kids of this age are saying these kind of things (they're not), what matters is its making your daughter uncomfortable. We wouldn't tolerate this behaviour in the workplace, why would we tolerate it for our daughters? Well done on being the kind of parent who you daughter feels comfortable coming to with this delicate issue, and well done for having the balls to address it, I think you're doing the right thing.

[Jux]

Dd was subjected to a similar sort of harassment in Y7 from a boy in y8. She decided she would tell her tutor, who told her head of year who discussed with the boy's head of year and tutor. The boy was punished quite severely.

What does your dd want to do about it?

[sandyballs]

Thanks for replies, i will mention it on Wed as I'm at school anyway and meeting her head of year.

DD only told me because a friend of hers mentioned it last night to me. I'm not sure she would have done otherwise. i've chatted to her this morning about being open with me and nothing she could tell me could particularly shock me, but sometimes an adult is needed to deal with stuff etc. hope it's going in! She gets embarrassed and tells me not to keep going on! Not sure I'm ready for this next stage of parenting!!

That's a good point pinklantern, we wouldn't tolerate that in the workplace.

[Bubbless]

tbh? i think you should teach your daughter a few 'coming back' phrases such as, 'id let someone with a vile mouth like you anywhere near me?!'
going into the school wont really help, and she could be subject to bullying because of it, i work in a school (and am only 20!) so am pretty used to the comments boys banter about and that ones pretty tame.... i, personally, think youd be better off teaching her how to deal with it rather than fighting her corners for her! unfortunaltly, it will only get more crude!

[MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea]

It's definitely not appropriate behaviour.
If it was happening at primary school as well, when boy would have been 10, that is not normal behaviour.
There may be things going on at home.

I would definitely tell school and also if he knocks for dd again, tell him firmly he is not welcome.

[Themumsnot]

My dd2, now y8, encountered quite a lot of this talk in y7. Apparentlyshe replied to oneparticularly unpleasant specimen `Do carry on. You are providing me with excellent material for my PhD in twat studies.' He slunk off.

[louloutheshamed]

Sorry bubless I amA secondary teacher and I am gobsmacked that you think of this as 'banter'! It is highly inappropriate and could, worst case scenario, suggest that this boy is being sexually abused.

[MrsHerculePoirot]

I agree entirely with loulou. I also am a secondary school teacher and have been head of year as well. This is far more than 'banter', in any year group, but especially in Year 7. If this was bought to our attention we would keep a record of it, look to see if there were any other inappropriate behaviours across the school (often there will be many other minor incidents that on their own don't mean much to any individual teacher, but overall build up an entirely different picture). I expect that we would have invited the parents of the boy involved into school to discuss. It absolutely is not 'banter' or 'pretty tame' and I would be horrified to think that anyone in a school thought that and would let it go.

[Floggingmolly]

Bubless that is not "pretty tame banter". My dd is in Year 7, if I thought she had to listen to shit like that I'd go fucking nuclear.

[Jux]

Clam, can you contact his school? As you can see, it is not normal - sorry Bubbless, it really isn't - and could be indicative of serious problems. He's 9 so still young enough for intervention to have a positive effect. At the very least, it would mean that the schoolgirls who come into contact with him may not be subjected to it.

Sandy balls, def. tell the school.

Bubbless, what school do you work at?

[Floggingmolly]

Bubbless, please tell me you're not a trainee teacher?

[MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea]

Not at Bishop Bell I hope.

[clam]

jux I am his school, so to speak. I have reported it several times.

[whathaveiforgottentoday]

Totally inappropriate for a year 7 pupil. Inappropriate at any age but particularly for a year 7. I have been head of year and to me that sort of comment from that age group would flag up concerns about the child.

Please report it.

[BrianButterfield]

Not appropriate and I would flag it if I heard that from a year 7.

[Startailoforangeandgold]

No not appropriate and very very inappropriate if it's an escalation of comments he shouldn't have been making at primary.

To keep repeating stuff like is harassment and school need to know.

My Y7 DD would be very unhappy if someone said that to her. She's pretty streetwise, but I'm not sure she'd know what he meant. It goes beyond normal Y7 banter.

I would hope that even my Y10 DD1 (who sadly gets a great deal of stupid comments) wouldn't be expected to put up with boys repeating stuff like that more than once in a blue moon.

[Bubbless]

im a chef, i work within in a school- i have no connection to kids so keep your hats on!
however; if you think thats bad i hear a LOT worse bantered around the canteen every lunch time, by kids of all ages.. including yr 7 girls!

[MrsHerculePoirot]

Bubbless, I still don't think that makes alright to think it is OK or 'normal'. In our school we would expect our catering staff to alert the teacher/s on duty - very often they challenge inappropriate language themselves.

I also think there is a big difference between 'banter' amongst groups of friends and individuals saying inappropriate things to others that don't want to have them said to them (such as in the OP). Having said that as adults we should be setting boundaries for children. I work at an all boys school and our biggest problem is the casual racism and homophobia - boys calling each other or things 'gay' or referring to each other using racist language that they think is OK as they are 'only doing it amongst friends' and because they are black they think it doesn't matter etc... We are having a massive, massive clampdown on this because it really isn't appropriate, even as a joke amongst friends.

[blondefriend]

My biggest worry here is that the boy involved is either being exposed to inappropriate sexual images/videos or is being abused physically. Especially if this was happening at his last school as well. This needs to be reported asap. I would message the Head tomorrow morning at the absolute latest.