Anyone had to deal with this - 13 year old, wet herself

[blameitonthecaffeine]

My Y9 DD fainted in assembly this morning. This isn't unheard of, she is quite ill at the moment. But today, at the same time as passing out, she lost bladder control and completely wet herself. She was soaked and it was obvious to the whole school. According to my charming 11 year old 'the floor was, like, flooded'.

Obviously she is so embarrassed and upset and says she won't go back to the school. She wants me to move her. I'm not going to do that, she's been there since she was 3, they have been very supportive of her illness and I have 3 other DDs at the school.

Has anybody else had a much older child wet themselves? What was the backlash like and were they able to deal with it?

[Tequilamockinbird]

Not a child but a friend of mine fainted when we were out shopping and wet herself.

The paramedic said it's a common thing when people faint.

Hope she's feeling better soon

[twolittlemonkeys]

My friend, when in her early 20s passed out at work and wet herself. I think it's quite a common thing if you faint. :( and for your DD though. I would hope other kids would realise it was linked to her fainting, but I know how cruel kids can be. With the right action from teachers to stamp on any teasing immediately, hopefully it can be put behind her.

[marriedinwhite]

My 13 year old would have been devastated had this happened to her but I do agree it is probably not unusual with a faint.

It may be less raw by Sunday night but could you have a word with the school and get them to work with you to deal with your dd's understandable embarassment.

Can she have a few days off on Mon/Tues and in the meantime you get your other dd's on side to say, no-one has mentioned it, it's all forgotten, get a good friend to give her a ring and be encouraging. I'm sure your dd feels disproportionately worse compared to the reality of it.

I hope things seem better in a few days.

[spenditwisely]

I should ask the GP to get an EEG done - it may be a form of epilepsy.

[blameitonthecaffeine]

Thank you for the support. I love the idea of getting a friend to call.

Yes, maybe I will keep her off on Monday and speak to her form teacher. She has a doctor's appt in the afternoon anyway.

spenditwisely - I will mention it to the doctor as she hasn't wet herself in a faint before but I don't think it's epilepsy. She has anorexia and, although she is not critically ill at the moment, her blood sugars and/or blood pressure do drop without warning.

[marriedinwhite]

OP, if handled sensitively, with some support from her doctors/counsellor could this be turned into a +ve, ie, it's so sad you don't eat but that does make you prone to fainting and that does have an impact on bladder control and other embarassment. I do appreciate it really isn't that simple.

Sorry to hear about the anorexia - we just about managed to head our own dd off this with very early intervention and it was linked for her to being unhappy at school, very sensitive and low self esteem so I can understand this will be a critical weekend for you all. I guess she will need lots of love and +ve reinforcement this weekend.

[seeker]

I think it will be a 9 day wonder-let her stay off on Monday and by Tuesday it'll be forgotten.

[IHeartKingThistle]

A boy in my form wet himself spectacularly halfway up a climbing wall, bless him. While he ran off to get changed I basically told the rest of them that if anyone gave him a hard time about it their life wouldn't be worth living. I never heard so much as a word about it for the next 5 years.

I'm sure the teachers at your DDs school will have done similar. I hope she feels better soon

[blameitonthecaffeine]

thank you marriedinwhite. I doubt this incident alone can change her behaviour as even a 6 month residential hospital stay didn't work last year. But I do tend to dwell on the negative - maybe a bit of embarrassment can do what nothing else seems to have achieved!

Yes, she will get TLC this weekend. I have 5 daughters so one on one time doesn't happen nearly enough in our house. I am going to keep her off dance tomorrow, take the other girls there then take DD1 out for coffee and shopping or something.

I'm glad to hear you managed to keep your DD healthy - early intervention is so important.

natashabee - eek, not sure about the depends. If she asks or seems panicky about reoccurrence I'm happy for it to happen but wouldn't be sure about bringing it up myself.

[blameitonthecaffeine]

Iheartkingthistle - you sound like an awesome teacher. :)

[Bonsoir]

You have five children, all daughters, four of whom are at the same school, and your 13 year old has anorexia? Is this a girls' school? Because if it is, you should seriously think of moving her to another school.

[dwynwen]

You have five children, all daughters, four of whom are at the same school, and your 13 year old has anorexia? Is this a girls' school? Because if it is, you should seriously think of moving her to another school.

This might turn out to be be good advice, but I found your expression a bit ominous Bonsoir. Would you mind explaining a bit more clearly your thoughts about this please?

[blameitonthecaffeine]

Yes, it's a girls' school. But why would you move her because of that? They have been wonderful.

Sorry to be terse, posting from phone

[manicinsomniac]

Nowhere near as old but a 10 year old girl in my form fainted and wet herself a few months ago. She was inconsolable but the other children hardly seemed to register, they were quite happy to accept that she was ill. At thirteen it must feel even worse though, your poor daughter :( I hope she feels better about it by Monday.

Also, I don't think girls' schools have got the monopoly on producing eating disorders, that's such a stereotype! I've been anorexic for 12 years and it started at my very bog standard North of England mixed comprehensive school.

[Bonsoir]

A large all-girl family and an all-girl school, with all sisters at the same school, could definitely be a trigger for anorexia - some girls would find that combination excessively stifling. Obviously there is little you can do about the large all girl-family, but you could very easily remove your anorexic daughter from the same all-girl school as her sisters and send her to another school to give her room for individuation. It doesn't matter two hoots how wonderful or supportive the school has been - if your daughter is suffocating in her current circumstances, the school's support will be useless.

TBH, I'm pretty surprised your DD's doctors let her return there.

[Bonsoir]

"Also, I don't think girls' schools have got the monopoly on producing eating disorders, that's such a stereotype!" That's not my message, btw. One of main triggers for anorexia is lack of opportunity for individuation (pursuing your own interests and personal desires) - the OP's DD's circumstances sound very stifling, that's all.

[ma4pie]

I had a rediculously weak bladder when I was a teenager (yup, right through) and would regularly let out a bit of wee whenever I laughed. One morning in form assembly I (that I was giving so right up at the front of the class) I laughed so hard that I peed myself for England - and I mean river city. I was about your daughter's age at the time. I'm sure I was mortified at the time but honestly don't remember that now. We all - including my form teacher and myself - burst out laughing. One of my friends went and got a mop for me to clean it up and I had to waddle down to PE to change into some PE knockers - and socks (seriously - a river!). I think because I laughed too it difused the situation and I recovered with a relatively small dent in my pride. I can totally understand your daughter dreading going back into school but honestly, and especially at that age, things become old news so quickly. Best way to deal with it, if she can, is to laugh it off if it does get mentioned. Try to get her to see the funny side of it so that if anyone else does laugh they will be laughing with her and not at her. BTW peeing is a reflex that we learn to over-ride, when she fainted (or me when I laughed) she would have lost the control of the nervous mechanisms allow her to control the reflex so, as another poster suggested, this will be common when people faint.

[blameitonthecaffeine]

bonsoir, how can taking my daughter away from the familiarity of everything she has known since she was 3 years old - a great school, all her close friends, extracurricular teams/clubs she loves, teachers she knows and who care about her - be a good thing?! If she goes somewhere else she will start as the freaky new girl with "issues" and will find it really hard to make friends let alone find a place for herself.

I only have one other child in the senior section of the school, the juniors have very little to do with them. The others are only 8,5 and 2 so they will barely cross over at all. I may have 5 girls but they are spaced out over 11 years and certainly don't live in each other's pockets.

[spenditwisely]

What happened with the 6 months residential stay? Perhaps if you can work out why that didn't work, you may be able to narrow down what will.

I'm tempted to go with ma4pie's idea of laughing it off and sharing embarrassing anecdotes, however way-out that sounds. Approaching it in a non heart-wrenching way may help to separate the issue from the anorexia a little.

[NeedToSettle]

I wet myself when I was a bit younger than this, about 10. I was too embarrassed to put my hand up in class to ask to go to the toilet (just moved schools) as the teacher was talking at the front to the whole class and I did'nt want everyone to turn around and look at me . I was waiting for him to stop talking so I could go to his desk and ask him quietly but the bastard! would not shut up and I could'nt hold it any longer so wet all over my chair and the floor. I immediately ran out of the classroom to the toilets in tears. The teacher must have sent someone to look for me as I heard a group of girls walking past saying 'XX pissed herself' and laughing. I then sprinted out of school and ran home (this was before they were locked down as they are today).

My mother literally dragged me back to school the bext day and had various meetings with them to try to make me feel better, including me having 'minders'. There were whispers for a few months afterwards which I was very much aware of. I turned from being relatively outgoing to being very quiet and shy and I am sure this the reason for my social anxiety today. I wish my mother had not forced me to go back there but it was convenient. If this had happened to my DD, I would have moved towns completely if necessary.

Ask your DD what she wants and go with it. What with the anorexia and now this, she may need a new start. She will already be in a highly sensitised state from the anorexia. From experience with my own teenage DD, there seems to be a lot more bitchiness and nastiness these days .

[blameitonthecaffeine]

spenditwisely - well, the hospital stay was helpful in that she is no longer dying in front of our eyes. But I never expected it to be a quick fix. It didn't work because she isn't ready to let go of this, for whatever reason. I had anorexia myself between the ages of 14 and 22 (my dd doesn't know this!) and had 4 stays in hospital in total. But I didn't get better until I decided that I wanted to live more than I wanted to be sick. Interestingly my Aunt was also bulimic as a teenager and my grandma was anorexic for over 50 years until she died. So, although there is no proven link, I think genetics must be involved somewhere. It's not learned behaviour as the separate generations didn't know about the previous ones when we/they became ill (crap sentence, hope it makes sense!)

needtosettle - I'm so sorry to hear your story, that sounds really traumatic :( Being the new girl is hard enough eithout having to deal with that. If my dd continues to be distressed about this and to get hassle from the other girls then of course I would take her request more seriously. But I think she is calmer now.

We have done lots of internet research together, looking at just how common it is that incontinence comes with fainting and my husband has told her a (made up!) story about him wetting himself at secondary school and laughing at himself to make others laugh with him. She has had 3 school friends round this afternoon ('doing homework' but there seemed to be far too much hilarity going on for that ) and she seems happy-ish. We have a doctors appointment in the morning to check her weight and bloods etc are ok then I am going to take her out for a quiet, healthy lunch and give her the afternoon at home. DD2 is under orders to tell her that nobody was talking about her in school (may not be a lie, they've had the whole weekend) and will see how she is on Tuesday.

I do appreciate all the advice and I won't rule out looking into a move but it would be a last resort and I think it would have the potential to do more harm than good.

[spenditwisely]

That's very interesting about the family history. I have been looking into it and did come across some research that indicated that there is a difference in the dopamine receptors in a certain area of the brain in anorexic women. But the brain's development can be altered by outside factors as well, it's a bit of a chicken and egg situation it seems.

You must have reasons for not telling her you had anorexia - but I don't understand them. Surely she will be picking up that you're hiding something as important as this?