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Wwyd pls . .DD is very unhappy in year 11 at school and its awful seeing her so sad

(13 Posts)
Timetochange70 Sat 24-Sep-11 00:59:33

DD was always a very happy go lucky prob quite popular girl.
something happened with a boy just under a year ago and she was terrorised by a gang of girls who set on her.
Ever since then she has become withdrawn and jumpy.
She is obv. Nervous when people come around the corner or into a room unexpectantly and she has completely lost her confidence.
She has isolated herself from the group of girls she always used to hang about with because she feels they let her down as no one was there for her when it happened . They just stood and watched .
Everything is ok on the outside but she prob hasn't helped herself I know because she says she can't pretend to like and trust the people who watched her get hurt and did nothing . She feels liken outsider and dreads break time .
She is prob above average academiaclly and is at he top of the top set is every subject. She is trying to focus on her school work to get her through.
I've never seen her so sad and I know she cries herself to sleep at night .
I've offered to do what ever she wants me to support her.
I don't really think moving would benefit her much because of the academic impact at this stage of her gcses. ????
I've said I'm happy to home school her and would find the support we needed if I have to.
DD has counted she has only 27 weeks and wants to stick it out because she can then choose another school for 6th form nearer to home and she desperately wants to be an obstetrician so knows she needs the grades. TBH I think shed get the grades now tho as long as she continued to work hard.
My heart just breaks tho when I see her because she looks so so unhappy. She has lovely friends outside school and a great family who she loves very much.
To be blunt i don't want her to go do something silly as happens too many times to teenagers under pressure ?????
I would very much welcome any thoughts.
She doesn't want me to speak to the school btw as they will just talk to the girls and it not help she says in the long run. . . Although she does have a very nice tutor who was most supportive when dd was attacked x

triskaidekaphile Sat 24-Sep-11 01:02:22

How heartbreaking.sad She's being very clear about what she wants though and I would go with that while keeping a close eye on her and regularly telling her what a total fabster star she is.

Timetochange70 Sat 24-Sep-11 01:07:59

Thank for your reply .
I'm going to try and do that yes lots . it's so horrid thinking of her so unhapp a school but at almost 16 yes I have to listen to her wishes x

IHeartKingThistle Sat 24-Sep-11 01:09:04

She sounds amazing, as do you. What she went through must have been horrible.

I was bullied at secondary school (though never physically attacked) and I know exactly what it feels like when the people you thought were your friends let you down. I chose to go to a different 6th form that I knew no-one from my school was going to. It was bloody brilliant, I had the best best time. I just left it all behind.

Now I teach secondary and sometimes I look at kids and think 'you have no idea how much better it is going to get once you leave this place'. On occasion I have said it, too.

Good for her for sticking it out. I suppose I would just let her know she can always change her mind if it's getting too much.

I really, really hope she feels better soon.

Timetochange70 Sat 24-Sep-11 01:14:18

Thank you heart king.
good to know I'm not doing completely the wrong thing because you do feel kind of blind when it's your own babies iykwim

IHeartKingThistle Sat 24-Sep-11 01:23:32

I know, I feel the same. I've spent 10 years giving teenagers and parents advice and I know I'll be an unsure mess when mine get to that age!

Right, going to bed. Will be thinking of your girl - she will be SUCH a strong person after all this, I promise. smile

BodenPowell Sat 24-Sep-11 09:25:59

Would she be interested in/willing to attend a counselling service? There may be one suitable for young people in her area - our local one accepts 12-21 years and is listed on the council's website (though it is run by a separate chiarity). There will also be statutory services available via CAMHS but there would probably be quite a long waiting list (and probably a more clinical approach), so I'd consider paying for private counselling if possible.

Young, high-achieving girls are at most risk of mental health issues such as eating disorders and self-harm, so it is important that her feelings are addressed.

Appleby Sat 24-Sep-11 10:47:34

Agree with BodenPowell about the potential risk to your DD.

At least she has friends outside school and a clearly supportive and sensitive family who she's talking to.

I'd be very vigilant and I'd definitely suggest counselling.

Poor thing.

Timetochange70 Sat 24-Sep-11 11:38:45

I've e mail a local private councillor so hopefully shell go along if I book her a session . Maybe I'll stay for first half just to check she's comfortable with her and then leave them to it x

Saracen Sat 24-Sep-11 15:41:33

I think you are doing just the right thing. If she can stay focused on the fact that she does have lots of real choices in this situation then she may be able to cope better. I think it is people who feel trapped and feel they must go in a certain direction, no matter what, who get most stressed.

For example, I'm sure your dd is right to think that good academic achievement is necessary to pursue her chosen career. It's quite possible that changing schools or switching to home education at this point might introduce some delays in getting the exams she wants. But you say she is a talented and determined person, so she WILL be able to do it. She might even be able to achieve better results (though later) if she moves because she can give her full attention to her studies if she is not dreading the social experience of school and losing sleep over it. I can't see that it would be a disaster if she goes to uni a year later than planned.

Talking through the options, maybe exploring them further by actually visiting other schools and colleges or talking to home educating families, might help your dd to feel that there are realistic options. Even if she then chooses to sit tight for the rest of the year, she'll know she can always leave if things get to her too much.

Here's some info and a link to an email list for families home educating children who are taking exams:

Tigerstripes Sun 25-Sep-11 22:21:16

I'm a teacher and I know that if one of my high achieving girls left school on these circumstances to be home educated I would make sure she was kept included in what the class was doing, provide her with work and mark it, even though she would no longer be on the school role. Does she have any teachers that might do this for her, knowing her situation?

spiderpig8 Wed 05-Oct-11 11:54:10

I can understand why she feels let down by her friends, but tbh if a gang is attacking one individual, it would take a very very brave (even foolhardy perhaps) child to put herself in danger by intervening. I think your DDs expectations of her friends were perhaps unrealistically high.I ould be encouraging her to see this and gether to try to build bridges with the old group again.
I do think she does need to see a GP though it sounds as though she needs help

spiderpig8 Wed 05-Oct-11 15:57:26

I think it is very very unlikely she will do something to harm herself
She seems to be a very mature, brave level-headed girl.The fact that she has such a supportive family and out of school friends will stop the pressure getting too much and she knows she has an escape route if she needs it.

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