help, what do I tell my bullied son?

[bkgirl]

Hello, I don't know what to do. My son is 11 - just gone in to secondary school....he is thin, average height and wears glasses.
Anyway, they are supposed to enter through the changing rooms and yesterday as he went in, a boy 2 years older kicked him in the stomach and laughed. My son tried to throw a punch back and ran. He told me this as soon as I collected him and I asked had he told a teacher - he had not. This morning he did not want to go to school and actually had tears in his eyes as he got out of the car! The thing is he almost never cries so I was stunned, the child must be terrified. He is not in the least streetwise and it had never entered my head to tell him how to handle the situation. I can only presume you are not meant to hit back but I suppose you have to defend yourself. My husband is furious and wants to withdraw him from an otherwise good school.What should I say to him or what should I do. I have felt sick all day myself worrying about it. Going to big school has been overwhelming enough....his schoolbag is heavier than him!

[tabulahrasa]

You need to tell the school so that they can deal with it

[bkgirl]

Thanks tabulahrasa I will , the thing is he hasn't a clue who the big boy was that kicked him.Also could I get my son into trouble for saying he tried to throw a punch back? (I don't think it worked!!)

[tabulahrasa]

Someone will know who he is - my sons had to effectively pick people out from a line up before, lol.

I can't see him trying to defend himself and missing (or even connecting badly) being that much of an issue - he might be given a bit of a talk about what he should have done ( ie tell a teacher rather than try to retaliate) but I'd be very shocked if there were any consequences for him at all.

They should take it fairly seriously because of the age gap.

[aliceliddell]

Hope ds and you are OK. In my (nowhere near as bad experience as you), do not make him go to that school. Home ed if nec, get on to the school to do their job and STOP THE BULLIES. If your ds has to endure this, it will make him school phobic, maybe more. Don't send him back until the bullies and their friends/families are controlled in and out of school. Get your councillor onside. Good luck.

[Erebus]

Um- steady on, alice- home ed at the first sign of trouble??

Go in, ask firmly to see his Head of Year. Explain the situation along with the fact your son did try and retaliate in self defence. Ask what they intend doing about it.

IMHO it's not the bullying incident that 'counts', it's how seriously the school reacts that matters.

[bkgirl]

Thanks so much, I wasn't sure if I was being neurotic (unbelievably my dad who is in his 70's said it was normal for lads to pick on the younger ones!) I have just spoken to the school sec who told me they wouldn't tell a child to retaliate rather they should come to the office and tell her or a teacher but that she was sorry it happened and would ensure a general talk was given and his form teacher notified. They will also have the pe teacher patrolling the changing rooms in the morning. I explained my son did not want me to tell them so they will not single him out. I don't want him to clam up with me or feel betrayed. The school sec is near retirement and lots of people have told me she is just brill at sorting out any problems, I can't wait till my son gets off the bus today.(First day on the school bus - hope he gets here!)
ps I wouldn't be able to home school, if I did he would be getting a very inadequate education - I admire those who are able to do so!!!!!!

[Erebus]

Hope it all gets sorted, bk. I know I'd've only been satisfied once the perpetrator had been lashed to within an inch of his life for touching my PFB! But in a way your dad is right in some respects: It IS in a lot of boys natures to want to dominate younger, weaker boys/ Parents, schools and society in general spent ££ and millions of man-hours trying to direct that machismo into something constructive!

[tabulahrasa]

Unfortunately it's very unlikely that a pupil will make it through school without being on the recieving end of something, but it's how the school deal with it that matters.

Without your son being willing to co-operate obviously there's not much they can do about this incident, but paying more attention is good and obviously if there is anything else involving this boy, this incident has been noted and so another incident would then take into account that it's not an isolated thing when dealt with.

Though if he's walking up to unfamiliar pupils two years younger than him and kicking them in the stomach Id imagine he's routinely in trouble anyway.

[aliceliddell]

erebus - I know it sounds melodramatic and ott, but I've seen this minimised and not taken seriously so often, and all it does is escalate if it's not dealt with effectively.

[Erebus]

Ah, but it certainly sounds like the school are taking it seriously, doesn't it? I just got the impression that you assumed it could only escalate thus withdrawing the DC was the only way forwards! That's perhaps the bit I thought a bit over-reactionary.

[bkgirl]

Funny you say about a boy being routinely in trouble tab because the sec did indicate that the pe teacher would probably have a good idea who it was - he would 'know' some boys.....so I guess there are likely suspects! Anyway, he should be home just after 4pm.....he will get a cup of drinking choc and a hug when he gets in (torrential rain here) I was so tempted to collect him, its so hard not to!
Thanks again for the advice.It has been really appreciated.

[bkgirl]

Just to let you know he got back and all was well......I guess time will tell but at least he was smiling.

Thanks to all.

[Erebus]

Phew. What a relief. I'm not in the slightest bit surprised that the perpetrator was 'known' as it were. Deeply unfortunate for your DS to have encountered such a drop-kick vulnerable and disadvantaged child on Day One but forewarned is forearmed!

I guess it wouldn't hurt for you to reinforce to him whilst the iron is hot whom he should go to for help should a similar situation arise in the future. Deep down I'm glad for your DS that, despite being 'non-streetwise', his first reaction was to strike back. It shows he's not a push over.

I hope all continues well!

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

OP glad that things seem to be ok atm.but please without being scaremongering log this just in case, & the response from school,a paperwork/email trail is the only way.
tho i shouldn't say this but fair play to him for retaliating,if anything it will make other bullies wiser and gain 'school' plaudits for him.ime once you've tackled a bully head on your life becomes so much easier