Feeling a bit pathetic...

[Winecurestiredness]

As the title says really. I am 28 and I have never worked. I have been a SAHP for 8 years after DS1 was unexpectedly born at 26 weeks. I was only 19 and was going to go back to work or college full time as soon as he was old enough to go to nursery (so very young...3 months old I was planning, had he of been healthy), but he was in hospital for 4 months, came home oxygen dependent, then I developed severe PND with psychosis..he got diagnosed with growth problems at 2 and I became an obsessive wreck..then he was diagnosed with Autism at 3 while I was pregnant with DS2. Then got Depression again. Thankfully DS2 healthy and full term. Put him in childminders at age 1 while DS1 was at school so I could job search in peace. Just 2 months after that I became ill with Lymphoma at 24 (yes, that's cancer at 24!). I was pregnant with DS3 at the time.

A whirlwind of treatment while pregnant followed. Sadly we lost DS3 at 36 weeks. Then I needed a stem cell/bone marrow transplant to beat this lymphoma that just wouldn't go away.

Im two years on from that now and both DSs are in school. I'm in menopause at 28 which causes some issues for me..body feels old before my time! I get tired, depressed, ache, dizzy, hot flashes left right and centre on HRT and i feel like just parenting is bloody exhausting and I dont even work. I feel like I'm not contributing to society. I used to be young and fit and really enjoyed being a SAHP. Now I don't enjoy and relish it like I used to. I love my DSs so much but I wish i could give them more. Luckily my DH works full time to support us but he is knackered so I take on the childcare and house stuff. I wish I could sort my pathetic self out and get a bloody job like everyone else

[Babdoc]

Good grief, OP, cut yourself some slack!
What you have been through would floor anyone - you’re doing pretty well if you manage to get out of bed every morning, if you ask me.
Instead of beating yourself up for what you don’t do, try celebrating your considerable achievements of surviving cancer, a transplant, and coping with premature birth and an autistic child. Be hugely proud of yourself. How does 8 hours sitting on one’s bum in an office possibly outrank what you cope with daily?
Take time to recover, to see if hormone treatment will help the premature menopause, and to see if your energy levels improve.
It’s only if and when you feel stronger that you could think about a job. And perhaps part time in something not too taxing would be the way to start, or volunteering in something where you don’t need to attend regularly if you are having a bad patch with your health.
Don’t make the mistake so many wage slaves do, of tying your self worth to your job or lack of it. You are an amazing survivor - take credit for it.

[justwanttobemum]

Omg op you are incredible! As possible says cut yourself some slack. Maybe look for something part time like one or two days or mornings a week and ease yourself in. Or could you train and do something from home eg beauty then you can choose appts and not book in too many or none at all if you were unwell.

[Woollyslippers]

You do not need to ‘get a job’ to prove your worth. You are raising a family and that is an epic contribution to society

[Winecurestiredness]

Thankyou ever so much for your supportive comments. Honestly thought I would be told to stop feeling sorry for myself and try harder. Thankyou. I was volunteering in a cancer research charity shop before lockdown in March and loved it..it meant I felt like I was giving back and I wasn't sitting in the house on my own so much while DH at work and DCs at school. I've been told not to go back to volunteering until its deemed safe as per their guidelines..they said they couldn't take me back even in September. So badly wanted to help.

[Babdoc]

OP, it is laudable to want to give something back, but you have your hands full right now with your own health issues. And your self worth should not depend entirely on what you can do to serve others - you are worthwhile in your own right too, as a unique and lovely human soul.
If you would still feel better to be contributing, how about volunteering as a befriender, to make phone calls to people living alone in the lockdown and have a social chat to cheer them up? Most local areas have an arrangement for this. You could do it safely from home, and it shouldn’t be too tiring for your health. But may I stress that you are still fully doing your bit by caring for your family and yourself- I’m only suggesting befriending if you would enjoy it!