Husband won’t share financial details

[Studentmum2020]

I really need people’s opinions as my husband in my view is being controlling.

I’m a stay at home mum and have just started an open university degree in psychology. I want to use this to get a decent job when my 2 and 4 year old daughters are older.

My husband has a really well paid job. He gives me money every month and some extra for the children. He has set a food budget. He then pays the mortgage and bills and give himself money.

We have an au pair and I’m currently paying her salary from my savings so I can study and it’s sooooo much cheaper than nursery. My money will end next year and my husband says we can pay for her to stay ‘out of our savings’. He often says ‘we can’t afford an au pair’. I’ve asked to have access to all the money we get but he point blank refuses and says it’s his money.

He plays golf when he wants and we get take away food once or twice a week. He says that’s fine. He goes out with friends (pre lockdown) and buys what he wants.

I just want to know how much money we have so I can see what we can or can’t afford. Am I being unreasonable? Please be honest x

[Purplewithred]

You are not being unreasonable. He is being financially controlling. Do you know what your household income is or what savings you have?

If you were to divorce he would discover that in law it’s not his money, it’s marital income, and is shared between the two of you.

[Studentmum2020]

No I don’t know what my household income is. I know his salary (I think!) but that’s it. He says I’m lucky to not have to worry about money and I should get a full time job and see what it’s like. I can see where he’s coming from but I just wish he saw his salary as family money.

I’m not careless with money so I’m not sure what he’s worried about.

He said he’s never going to let me have access so if I want that I have to divorce him! (Then he stormed off and is sleeping in our spare room!)

[HelloRose]

I don't have access to my husband's savings, and he doesn't have access to mine either. We have a shared account for household stuff. However, we are open with how much is in those accounts and we discuss how we will use that money (school fees / house renovations etc). It would bother me if he wouldn't share this information. You're married for gods sake. That isn't ok.

Are you OK with paying the au pair out of your savings? I wouldn't be comfortable with that personally. I think your husband needs to cover that cost too or share it. Don't whittle away your savings and leave yourself financially vulnerable should anything bad happen (ie. You split up...I'm sure this won't happen but it's always good to have something to fall back on).

[Sweeetcornbananaf]

He is being controlling and it is not acceptable. I would suggest that you look clearly and honestly at your relationship so far ans evaluate its future.

[Mischance]

He gives you "some extra money for the children" - that says it all really.

This is not a partnership, it is a dictatorship.

[Fleetheart]

He sounds utterly unreasonableness. What do you mean your money will end next year?
Has he any good points?

[Redlocks28]

Is he saying he will pay for the au pair out of the savings or that you can’t afford an au pair?

[OnTheBenchOfDoom]

Well clearly if he isn't willing to reveal how much he is earning then he is earning more than you think he is and stashing the money somewhere or spending it on himself when he is out. What a delight he sounds.

I have been a SAHM for 16 years, I know exactly how much Dh earns and I have access to it. Either your Dh trusts you or he doesn't. I don't have an allowance or a set amount given to me, I spend on a joint credit card which is paid automatically every month in full.

However, once a year we have a sit down to discuss finances, as the credit card is used to pay for everything we can (rewards card) and the rest is Direct Debits we can easily see where we have spent money and like grown ups we talk about our plans for the next year/several years etc.

Did you work prior to having children? Did you discuss finances before having the children?

[endofthelinefinally]

Yes. He is being horribly controlling. I think you have some decisions to make.

[madcatladyforever]

Its not "his" money as you are married. Why did he marry you if he doesn't want to share his money. A court would make him if you divorced.

[willowmelangell]

If his go-to reaction is to mention divorce and storm off, then that is his fear. He does not want to share his money. He views it as not family money. All kinds of wrong here. You are not his mistress to be given an allowance to cover expenses. You are a legal spouse and have rights.
His strong response to a reasonable question would have me thinking he might now start putting money out of your reach should you think of divorce.
The au pair costs him nothing. Will he expect you alone to pay for nursery fees in the future?
A line has been crossed here. Some hard conversations ahead.
I am not sure I could look my dh the same way again.
I hope you can come to an agreement OP.

[TwilightSkies]

This is very very wrong! But I suppose you are just sort of used to it now so you don’t realise how bad it is.
Yes he’s controlling. Why isn’t he being transparent? This situation serves him very nicely.

[LemonGreen]

This is not about money at all. He does not see you as an equal partner.

I've been a SAHM for 12yrs. My husband has never even activated his joint account access. We sit down once a month and move his salary around wherever it needs to go (including my personal account!) and there is total transparency and trust on both sides.

Your situation is not normal or acceptable

[Aquamarine1029]

This financial control is a very worrying sign. He clearly doesn't see you as his equal partner. It's as though you are his employee, ffs. I've been married for over two decades and I would never tolerate this. I would wonder what he's hiding, tbh, and why he has so little respect for you.

[Quartz2208]

Yes definitely unpleasant an abusive - particularly making you pay the au pair.

Golf is an expensive past time so I would imagine he does have money. What is your feeling about how much he earns

[SingHallelujah]

How much does he earn? We can tell you his take home from that

[AliceMck]

Agree with everyone else. I’ve been a SAHM for over 6 years, DHs salary is paid into a joint account and savings is paid into my separate account, just because I’m better at managing money. We don’t have set allowances, if one of us needs something we just buy it. We’d only tell the other if it’s something out of the ordinary that would effect our monthly outgoing significantly.

If I was you I would be seriously wondering what he is hiding and what he really thinks or you as a wife and mother of his children.

[welshmercury]

Did he grow up in a situation where money was tightly controlled. All my mum and my step dad did was argue over money and my step dad was controlling. He refused to go food shopping so my sister made a frozen burger, sweet n sour jar and pasta for a meal as that’s all that was left.

What is he worried about? Can he go 50/50 on au pair as they are his kids too? I know you’re studying but could you get a little part time job to build up your savings again. Even if it means hubby needs look after kids as no other activities like golf to do in lockdown

[Hoppinggreen]

You need to get a job. Being a sahp only works if both of you are happy about it and it doesn’t sound like he is
Lay out all the costs involved and how much more child/house responsibilities he will have to take on and see how he feels about it then.

[Tobebythesea]

If you divorce you could get control over a lot of ‘his’ money. Think about it.

[WisnaeMe]

He is controlling everything OP, you need to tell him you want to know, or a Divorce Lawyer could find out for you 🌸