I'm a SAHM and finding life really difficult

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Hi everyone. My kids are 2.5 and 1.5 and I'm a SAHM but I'm really struggling at the minute. I have been for some time if I'm being honest. I've found it really tough after my second child who was a complete surprise! Took me 8 years to have my first child and two losses before him, one was an ectopic pregnancy and I lost one of my tubes along with having pcos and infertility so was told my chances of conceiving were 20%.
But I was blessed to fall pregnant 2 years with my gorgeous boy and when he was 17 wks old I found out I was expecting again and it hit me hard. I was shocked and scared to find out I was becoming a mum again so soon after having my first and just learning how to be a mum.

Anyway fast forward to now my daughter is 1.5 and is really hard work.
I'm struggling to find ways to interact with both kids at the one time. For instance even colouring in is hard my daughter always puts stuff in her mouth and once I turn for a second to deal with her my son is drawing all over the walls and doors. I find it really difficult to stuff together with them.

Not only that I'm struggling with giving them all the attention I can along with cleaning up,housework,preparing and cooking meals etc then my partner comes home and my attention has to go to him once the kids are in bed. I feel like I've no freedom. I absolutely love my children to the moon and back but get so frustrated at times with them and inm think its because I'm no longer the person I was before I gave birth to them. All my time & energy goes to the kids and then my partner. I get so annoyed with him. He comes home from work, gets his dinner handed to him. Spend about 15 min with the kids then sits his arse down in the kitchen to watch TV. Once the kids are in bed ill spend most my time up and down the stairs to our daughter as she's still not a great sleeper. I find myself getting so worked up a lot of the time because I feel like I may as well be a single mother. Part of me really wants to go back to work yet I know I can't because he doesn't want anyone else to look after the kids. My son can start nursery this year. Tried to have the conversation with my husband about sending him to school (not because I want rid of him but because I know he'll thrive) and I know he'll make friends and have a fantastic time. It'll break my heart when he goes to nursery but I know how happy he'll but my husband shot me down and refused to have the conversation about nursery and told me he's not going until next year when he'll be 4. He won't even listen to me that we need to think about how good it would be for our child.

I'm not sure if being a SAHM is my problem or the fact that I've had kids with the wrong man. I feel totally isolated. I just want to tell someone how unhappy I am and why and just someone to give me a hug and tell me I'm doing a good job.

[Bmidreams]

Op, first of all these are the tough years and you're almost nearly through it.

Secondly, your husband does not get to decide. He cannot keep you at home. He has a very good set up going on. If you want to go back to work, then that's what you do. I wish I had done it earlier, it really gave me my own space back.

Thirdly, he needs to step up with the kids. You need to have a conversation. I used to be on my knees when dh got in, and probably wrongly, I'd hand the kids over to him.

You need to try and be more assertive. Make sure you stand up for yourself.

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Thank you.. I've tried and tried to speak to him but I either get given off to and basically told to pull myself together all mothers go through this or he'll just ignore me basically and there's such an uncomfortable feeling for days afterwards. For gods sake I can't even take my kids to my mum and dads. Honestly I'm totally house bound. I know no one will understand why. But thats how my life has been since the birth of my daughter. I feel a lead a very lonely life and its eating me up inside.
I wish to God I had a normal life with my children and for my children's sake.

[lakesidesummer]

Your problem doesn't sound like it is being a SAHM, it sounds as though the issue is being married to a controlling man who uses emotional abuse to keep you where he wants you.

[Stuckforthefourthtime]

Why can't you see your parents?

I agree with others, your partner is the problem. He's controlling and unsupportive.

[SMarie123]

I could have written this post re the kids (not the DH element). My dc1 was incredibly hard work (dc2 was luckily much easier), but I felt like I couldn't bring the two of them anywhere on my own because dc1 was always going against the grain of any exercise and would do things like try and run out in the road. Even in his own he was hard but with two of them it felt impossible.

It got easier when dc1 hit 3.5. Dc2 was never the same challenge but he was his hardest 1.5-3 years. So basically there were 2.5 years really incredibly hard work. If I am totally honest I wasn't very happy, but it did get better and when they were 3 and 5 they became magic and you could begin to do stuff again and it only got better from there. I do feel your pain and you sound like you are doing great. I think you need to put your foot down and send your son to Creche if it is right for you and your son. You are the main care giver and in my mind you decide!!!

[Bmidreams]

Why can't you go to your parents?

[Time2change2]

It is hard when they are young. I had 3 under 3 at one point and it was challenging for a few years.
However, when DH got home from work at 7, they went to him or at least he came straight up and helped me. I then had 20 mins in a dark room with a pillow to block all sounds whilst he dealt with them! I badly needed to decompress as would often be very worked up after 12 hours alone with all 3. He then often made dinner for us.
I got myself out and about though after the first few months. Groups or friends houses which are a bit tricker now.
Why can’t you go to your parents or to visit a friend with kids? It makes all the difference!

[Choice4567]

I know you’ve said we won’t understand, but could you try to explain? Why are you housebound?

[littlerayofsunshine0]

I can see my parents but only if my husband is with us. He's trying to tell me the kids aren't safe around my dad (my husband was abused in his teenage years) so I've now all this stuff being thrown at me that my dad can't be round the kids or I'm putting them in danger if I did take them to my parents and its important he's with me when I take the kids out etc.. He threw all this at me shortly after I found out I was expecting again. I think that's why I found myself so depressed during that pregnancy. If I'm being honest and no one else knows this, on the night I give birth to my daughter he spent about 25 min with us before having a total go at me in the maternity ward because my mum was looking after our son and had asked my dad to come and sit in the house with her. When my partner heard this he was in a fit of rage. I got a mouthful of abuse and he went home to "make sure our son was safe"
I have to say that was the most lonely and upsetting night for me. I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy with my daughter or her arrival. I just sat in my hospital room in absolute tears and gutted that my dad was being spoke about like that. The next day he advised me to tell my mum that my dad wasn't allowed over to our home. I could not bring myself to explain this to my mum as I knew she would think "wtf" so I hoped and prayed when we returned home my dad wasn't there, he was and the night of bringing my daughter home wasn't a pleasant experience either.

I'm not a bad person. I'd give anything to anybody if I knew I was helping another person out. I don't understand why I'm being treated this way and its really upsetting me. I've tried for my beautiful kids for years and now they are here their mum is an absolute wreck and I honestly feel I'm not far off having a complete breakdown. I thought maybe it was being home all day with the kids and house bound was making me feel this way, perhaps I'm completely wrong.

For gods sake I even have to hide the fact that I've taken them to the park etc because his new thing now is the covid virus. If he knew I'd been taking them to the park I'd get an earful and get told I'm risking my kids lives etc but what am I supposed to do. Its not healthy for them being cooped up in the house 24/7. I just feel like a broken woman. I just want to be a good mum to my kids and give them a happy healthy life as much as I can

[Namechanger0800]

You need to leave this man. You can't raise happy kids in this environment - it's toxic and damaging. Your husband obviously has serious issues but they're unresolved and he's acting completely irrationally - this is abuse and control.

[ivegotthisyeah]

Your problem is your husband. He's controlling your life. Ditch him and the fog will lift

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Thank you @time2change2 and @SMarie123
I too find it difficult to get out and about with both my kids if I do get the opportunity. My daughter is just a struggle when we're out and about and her tantrums are unbelievable. I see people looking at me and I know there's judgement. I'd love to be able to successfully do something with them both together at the one time. It sounds awful but I couldn't wait to have my daughters baby part over I thought it would be a lot easier by now with her but its not. I feel like my son sometimes gets left out as I'm struggling so much with my daughter. But thank you for letting me know it will get better in regards to my kids..

@Time2change2 how the he'll did you cope with 3 under 3.. You deserve a round of applause hun x

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Thank you @Namechanger0800 I've thought for some time this isn't normal... I can't tell you how difficult of a man he is to speak to or communicate issues with. I never get anywhere. In fact a lot of the time he'll throw stuff back at me during conversations that I'm completely confused or questioning the reasons I had the conversation in the first place. He makes me feel like I'm the one in wrong all the time and that I'm a terrible mother. Ill admit my temper isn't great anymore. I'm exhausted and exhausted emotionally there have been times I've been short with the kids or shouted at them in pure frustration but to be honest it happens once he's come home from work because I'm just so angry that I've been dealing with them all day and kinda expect a little bit if help when he gets home, which doesn't happen and I just lose it. I'm ashamed to say that and then that's when I get attacked about being an unfit mother. I know I'm not, my kids are my absolute world. And then I'm left feeling incredibly guilty. He never tells me I'm doing a good job I just get criticised

[QualityFeet]

You are in an awful abusive relationship. You need to leave and then you will start to heal and feel better.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

I’m so sorry OP but your husband is abusive and controlling and you need to leave him. You cannot live like this, anyone would crAck up. Preschoolers are hard enough, but to have no freedom and judgement and rules it would drive anyone to the brink. Please seek outside help and leave him.

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Preschoolers are hard enough, but to have no freedom and judgement and rules it would drive anyone to the brink. @OnlyFoolsnMothers 😔 that comment in particular has really hit home with me. That has literally summed up my existence. x

[littlerayofsunshine0]

I can see I need to leave. I can see it very clearly now yet I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I'll have to face with him regarding the kids, any blackmail that's going to come from this and the fact he'll say what a terrible mother I am and how I've reacted to the kids at times and I can't argue with that but I know when I've shouted its because I've been extremely worked up by him. That's the one thing that has opened my eyes before everything else like being house bound, isolated etc.. Its the fact I see myself taking my frustration out on the kids.... That's what is making me see I need out. I'm not that person. I never thought I'd turn into that person. And he just constantly reminds me of times I've raised my voice at the kids. I already feel guilty but he feeds on it even more. That's why I sometimes believe they would be better off without me. Its breaking my heart that I've turned into a shell of a person I no longer recognise and now I'm finally a mother to two beautiful children and here I am venting at them. I feel incredibly ashamed of myself. I know he's gonna use that against me. I suppose I'm also afraid of the kids having to go between two homes like I had to I never wanted this for my children. And I'm afraid of doing it alone, will I cope etc but by just reading through my own post I'm not really coping anyway,am I?

[Stayfreshcheesebags]

What you're describing is coercive control and emotional abuse. Parenting at that age is so so hard, I had two under two at one point with 14 months apart and it is exhausting.

But, what he is putting through is seriously not on. You should be supported by him, not isolated and criticised.

Have a chat with Women's Aid who can give you some really good advice on leaving. It won't get any better and more often than not, it will get worse.

Your parents sound supportive, is it possible to stay with them?

Also, remember to delete your browsing history for anything viewed on domestic abuse in case he sees it .

[Stayfreshcheesebags]

You're not anything of the things you are describing. That's how his abuse has made you feel , gaslighting and making you think it's YOU with the problem. Questioning yourself all the time, feeling guilty, thinking you are the one in the wrong. Constant emotional abuse and control is exhausting in itself and you get tired and unable to see the wood for the trees.

Reach out to family members you can trust to let them know and also definitely women's aid when it's safe to do so.

[lakesidesummer]

Talk to woman's aid.

Talk to your parents.

I would hate to think of my dd trapped in a relationship like this.

Without your abusive husband I'm sure you will find parenting hard but a thousand times more enjoyable it is at the moment.

[littlerayofsunshine0]

@Stayfreshcheesebags thank you. Yes I'll be sure to delete my browser. He does a very odd time check my phone I think its mostly to see if I've been on fb etc. I'm not. I'm not on any social media because if him. I've ran into very old friends who say to me "I've looked for you on fb, why aren't you on it" & I've to make up an excuse about it makes me paranoid when in fact its my husband it makes paranoid.

writing all this is making me realise how crazy this all is. I knew it but actually writing it out to complete strangers on mumsnet is making me see what type of life I'm living (if you'd even call it living)
Wow I never ever thought I'd allow myself to be treated like this. Ever since I wrote the first post here I've actually cried my heart out.. I really don't deserve this. I'm such a good hearted person. how on earth have I landed myself with him

[lakesidesummer]

Also as a social worker I would be very supportive of you leaving this man and would be unconcerned that you had at times shouted at your dc.
( My dc would tell you that I have also lost it and shouted at them sometimes)
The guilt is designed to keep you in your place, nothing more.

[Embracelife]

Your husband is the problem.he is not rational. You can't fix him.by pandering to him. He is controlling you.
Tell someone. See a counsellor.
Call womens aid.
Take the kids aNd go to your mum.
Send the kids to school and nursery. Get a job.

[Stayfreshcheesebags]

Yes , and it creeps up on you. It's very subtle which is why you often don't notice it at first. It's gradual, but tiring and the more it continues, the more tired you are and put the feelings of doubt away and carry on with the status quo.

You can do this. But do it safely. There are domestic abuse professionals who can safety plan with you and help you organise to leave.

Safenet is also a good source of information and support.

You can cope without him and you will. But importantly, you will be free and yourself again x

[BlusteryShowers]

Your husband is making a tough situation much worse. It doesn't need to be this way.

I've got a 3yo and a baby and I find it such a grind too. It's a very odd combination of non-stop but also very boring and repetitive at times. Then add in the guilt that I feel I'm not enjoying their littleness as I should, and I'll regret it when theyre older and never want to spend time with boring mummy etc etc etc. So I can relate to your post!

Nursery would massively help and has many benefits. My son has just started going again twice a week; loves it and comes home filthy and shattered . It gives me more patience with him on his days at home too, and I get 1:1 time with my daughter to do little walks and things without me being distracted all the time.

Your husband is being very unreasonable.