Bottled up feelings

[Nel246]

I'm not really sure where to start....

Me and DP are from different countries and we have a 12 month old DD. I'm due our second baby in 4 weeks time.

Last year we set in motion the process to move to his country temporarily for 2 years and rent out our home. It was a very stressful time moving to a different country at the other side of the would in March this year in the midst of covid-19 whilst pregnant.

I've been in DPs country for 3 months. DP is working and I'm a stay at home mum now for 2 years. I have taken 2 years maternity leave, followed by a career break with my job.

I'm on my own most of the time, the days are very long and im really homesick. I feel very lonely and isolated.
My DD was the first grandchild in my family and I feel so guilty that I've taken her away from them. I had an amazing support network back home and someone in my family was always off during the week to do something with. My friends had similar aged babies too.
Here DP gets up early for work so some days I don't speak to any other adults until he gets back from work. I can't Skype friends and family much due to the time difference and plus it makes me miss them more and wish I was back home.

I try to keep busy and I'm a very active person so most days me and DD go for walks or to the park.
Im trying to do lots with DD whilst it's just me and her before baby arrives next month. I don't know how I'm going to cope having 2 kids 13 months apart. I've made efforts to meet new mum friends by going to swim sessions and playgroups but it's all polite chat with other mums so I don't really have any friends. Once baby arrives I know I'm going to feel even more isolated and won't be leaving the house much.

DPs family are close by but they don't really know DD and her routine etc. They work too and I would feel anxious leaving DD with them even though I know she will be fine. I'm dreading the birth of this baby as I don't want to leave DD. It's just been me and her for so long, I get up in the night with her, I'm with her during the day, I make her meals, I take her out. DP would probably struggle on his own for a day with her. Ive wrote down her routine for when I go into labour but worry she won't know where I am or DPs family do things differently.

I feel guilty on DD for not having more time with her before baby arrives and that we will just be stuck indoors once baby arrives. I feel guilty on new baby as I felt so excited for DD and don't know how I could ever love this baby as much as her. I feel guilty for the way I'm feeling and can't talk to DP about it as he is loving being in his home country for a few years and works hard for his family.

My family were hoping to come out and visit but again with covid I'm not sure they will be able to. Some days I tell myself to man up and make the most of the opportunity and other days I feel really sad, teary and like I've lost myself. I know things are going to get even harder in a months time when baby arrives.

I guess I just needed to write down how I'm feeling.

[andtellyouofmydreaming]

Hello,

Just wanted to offer some sympathy. It sounds pretty tough, a combination of so many things.

I have a (just) 3 year old and had a baby in January, and am also a stay at home mum on career break. We moved to a new area recently. Can you keep going to the playgroups/swimming lessons etc? I get exactly what you mean about it being just polite chat and not real friends but 1. You might make a real friend over time doing it and 2. I kind of think about it as 'colleagues' - like at work the people you aren't friends with out of work but you're friendly and have a chat when you make a coffee or whatever and might go to the pub with on Friday evening. The mums that you have the chat with in groups can function like this.

Don't worry too much about leaving your DD for the birth - easy to say I know. I was exactly the same, so worried as it had always been me for everything for my DS but in the end it was one night and he was fine , even if that was 'fine' watching cartoons at 4a.m.! I scrapped giving any routine (it was my parents he went to) and just said whatever meant he was happy. I felt better like that, and thought one day and night of no routine didn't matter. Just said essentials of when he would need food etc and otherwise whatever worked to make sure he felt okay. Drives for naps, favourite food etc etc

You will absolutely love your new baby as much as you love your daughter.

You don't need to be stuck inside when the new baby comes - you can still get out and do the things you're doing now, just with a tiny baby in a buggy or carrier with you and your daughter. For what it's worth I had anticipated it being so tricky getting out with DS and new baby as it had been when DS was a baby but actually it was so much easier.

Covid restrictions won't be here forever and your family and friends will be able to visit.

You haven't lost yourself, it's just different parts of yourself that are taking the front seat and the back seat at the moment.

Living away from family and friends is hard.

Don't feel guilty about how you're feeling. And perhaps it would be a good idea to talk to your partner about it? He's probably noticed and you'll feel better - even if it doesn't change things practically speaking at least you'll know he's on your side and there's someone who knows and understands how you feel.

Everything you say makes you sound like a great mum.

[Nel246]

@andtellyouofmydreaming thank you so much for your reply. You have honestly made me feel a bit better about things and definitely helped to reassure me.