Talk

Pretty sure that’s not what she was looking for Northern..

Sorry OP I’m only 18 months in but being a SAHM doesn’t mean you have no life, self, personality or independence

Of course she has her own identity, don't be goady.

I've been a sahm for over 16 years now

I like it - and no, I'm not bothered about going back to work. I find plenty to do. And the dog would miss me. I might go back to studying when the kids have left - and see where that takes me. Unless circumstances change drastically, I don't need to work.

Hi thanks for nice messages ...had a difficult time with youngest school refusing .so not replied.one my dc wasn't in school for 8 yrs and had Lea funded tutors at hone,so that's partly why I'm stuck..I didn't see the post before it was deleted,but year lack of identity outside the family is a problem 😥

Also a SAHM - for 16 years to 4 kids - two kids have chronic illness- so need support even though they’re teenagers.
I try to keep hobbies going - art/ reading/ gardening. Meet friends for coffee or dog walk.
The world judges people by the job we do - especially mumsnet - you have to look past that and work out who you are for yourself. Some audio self help books are good for reflecting on how you’re feeling

I'm extremely envious of sahms and would love to trade places. I'm the breadwinner (not by choice) in a high executive salaried role. Much prefer being a homemaker with kids!!

It’s kind of you to say that CookieDoughKid and a good reminder to think of the positives about being a SAHM. But you do lose your identity in this role. Years ago I got a speeding ticket because I didn’t notice the limit had dropped to 50 mph (was only doing 57mph - feel I need to say this!)

And my immediate feeling was of happiness! And I thought ‘I exist!’. Isn’t that pathetic.
However, it illustrates the problem of SAHM - OP you need to find something for you that you want to do (and can fit in) and makes you feel like you are living your own life too.

This is likely to be me. 13 years in and the youngest 2 are 7 so realistically another 11 years before they leave home.

I chose to be a SAHP in the early years and as the youngest are only 7 I still consider these to be the early years. I want to be there to get them out the door in the morning and to sort out homework and activities in the afternoons. With 4 DC, and no family around, childcare would wipe out any earnings I would make anyway.

I have done a fair amount of voluntary work over the years - some in a charity setting, but most within our churches. I ran a busy toddler group which was open twice a week and served over 80 families for years and that took a hell of a lot of time and work. I have also mentored and counselled many university students and being available during the day has been ideal for that.

I have also done a lot of hospital visitation, meal making, helping with housework for those who are ill etc since my youngest went to school.

I started studying again 2 years ago and loved it and I also love the fact that I have time to walk and run for hours - I'm an introvert and solitude is hugely important to me.

Having said that - I have had to give up a lot of my own things (including my studies) in the past year since my DH was diagnosed with cancer and it's been hard. I'd really just started doing things for myself in the last 2 years, for the first time since my eldest was born, and to have to give that all up to care for my DH and our 4 DC was hard. DH is now back at work and we are slowly finding our normal again, but I have lost a lot of confidence. I often think that I am nothing more than a skivvy to everyone else, despite having DC who actually are pretty independent and who are expected to do plenty around the house to pull their weight, and a DH who certainly does his fair share.

It doesn't help when you are constantly bombarded by comments about what you "do" and when we live in a society that totally devalues SAHP. Mumsnet can be a particularly brutal place at times.

I think we also live in a society where it is a certain type of woman who is considered a "leader". Those who are forceful, career women and often extroverts. None of these things are bad at all - but when you are the opposite of all these things you are also often devalued. Gentleness, introversion, kindness, service rather than career, domesticity, hospitality are seen as "less than" somehow and that's hard.

For anyone familiar with the Enneagram - I'm a 2 and most women leaders seem to be 3s or 8s. Sometimes I would just love people to understand that just because I'm a 2, just because I'm a SAHM, just because I don't have a career (nor any desire for one), just because I enjoy baking, just because I put effort into things like WBD, just because I do a lot of the menial tasks of life - doesn't mean I don't have a voice, something to say, value and worth as a leader.

Sorry - that became a bit of a rant.

Yes it's definitely not valued by society in general...I feel embarrassed being a sahm.i certainly don't admit to it untill I know someone very well.i do wonder why I bothered doing a degree ..my teenage self would be horrified to think this is how I ended up...BUT ...he's the but ,I know it was the right thing for my children.ive 2 with ASD.one was home (no school place)for the whole of their secondary schooling,and it looks like the other is going the same way.

As a teenager I dreamed of jobs I would have..never dreamed of boyfriends or babies..bit of a loner ,bit of ASD.just crept up on me this stay at home business..