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20 yrs plus and still a SAHM...anyone else?

(24 Posts)
Chugalug Mon 19-Feb-18 16:28:58

4 kids.2 with SN.big 10 yr age gap...it's been hard..youngest with SN is 8 so a while to go..anyone in a similar boat come and say hi..😀

NorthernSpirit Thu 22-Feb-18 11:36:32

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 22-Feb-18 11:42:10

Pretty sure that’s not what she was looking for Northern..

Sorry OP I’m only 18 months in but being a SAHM doesn’t mean you have no life, self, personality or independence hmm

MumGoneMild Thu 22-Feb-18 11:43:44

Of course she has her own identity, don't be goady.

Terftastic Thu 22-Feb-18 11:47:37

I've been a sahm for over 16 years now smile

I like it - and no, I'm not bothered about going back to work. I find plenty to do. And the dog would miss me. I might go back to studying when the kids have left - and see where that takes me. Unless circumstances change drastically, I don't need to work.

Chugalug Tue 06-Mar-18 13:03:24

Hi thanks for nice messages ...had a difficult time with youngest school refusing .so not replied.one my dc wasn't in school for 8 yrs and had Lea funded tutors at hone,so that's partly why I'm stuck..I didn't see the post before it was deleted,but year lack of identity outside the family is a problem 😥

Noimaginationforanotherusernam Thu 08-Mar-18 18:59:52

Also a SAHM - for 16 years to 4 kids - two kids have chronic illness- so need support even though they’re teenagers.
I try to keep hobbies going - art/ reading/ gardening. Meet friends for coffee or dog walk.
The world judges people by the job we do - especially mumsnet - you have to look past that and work out who you are for yourself. Some audio self help books are good for reflecting on how you’re feeling

CookieDoughKid Thu 08-Mar-18 19:03:23

I'm extremely envious of sahms and would love to trade places. I'm the breadwinner (not by choice) in a high executive salaried role. Much prefer being a homemaker with kids!!

Noimaginationforanotherusernam Fri 09-Mar-18 08:36:36

It’s kind of you to say that CookieDoughKid and a good reminder to think of the positives about being a SAHM. But you do lose your identity in this role. Years ago I got a speeding ticket because I didn’t notice the limit had dropped to 50 mph (was only doing 57mph - feel I need to say this!)

And my immediate feeling was of happiness! And I thought ‘I exist!’. Isn’t that pathetic.
However, it illustrates the problem of SAHM - OP you need to find something for you that you want to do (and can fit in) and makes you feel like you are living your own life too.

Rylanmakesmyheartsmile Fri 09-Mar-18 09:14:26

This is likely to be me. 13 years in and the youngest 2 are 7 so realistically another 11 years before they leave home.

I chose to be a SAHP in the early years and as the youngest are only 7 I still consider these to be the early years. I want to be there to get them out the door in the morning and to sort out homework and activities in the afternoons. With 4 DC, and no family around, childcare would wipe out any earnings I would make anyway.

I have done a fair amount of voluntary work over the years - some in a charity setting, but most within our churches. I ran a busy toddler group which was open twice a week and served over 80 families for years and that took a hell of a lot of time and work. I have also mentored and counselled many university students and being available during the day has been ideal for that.

I have also done a lot of hospital visitation, meal making, helping with housework for those who are ill etc since my youngest went to school.

I started studying again 2 years ago and loved it and I also love the fact that I have time to walk and run for hours - I'm an introvert and solitude is hugely important to me.

Having said that - I have had to give up a lot of my own things (including my studies) in the past year since my DH was diagnosed with cancer and it's been hard. I'd really just started doing things for myself in the last 2 years, for the first time since my eldest was born, and to have to give that all up to care for my DH and our 4 DC was hard. DH is now back at work and we are slowly finding our normal again, but I have lost a lot of confidence. I often think that I am nothing more than a skivvy to everyone else, despite having DC who actually are pretty independent and who are expected to do plenty around the house to pull their weight, and a DH who certainly does his fair share.

It doesn't help when you are constantly bombarded by comments about what you "do" and when we live in a society that totally devalues SAHP. Mumsnet can be a particularly brutal place at times.

I think we also live in a society where it is a certain type of woman who is considered a "leader". Those who are forceful, career women and often extroverts. None of these things are bad at all - but when you are the opposite of all these things you are also often devalued. Gentleness, introversion, kindness, service rather than career, domesticity, hospitality are seen as "less than" somehow and that's hard.

For anyone familiar with the Enneagram - I'm a 2 and most women leaders seem to be 3s or 8s. Sometimes I would just love people to understand that just because I'm a 2, just because I'm a SAHM, just because I don't have a career (nor any desire for one), just because I enjoy baking, just because I put effort into things like WBD, just because I do a lot of the menial tasks of life - doesn't mean I don't have a voice, something to say, value and worth as a leader.

Sorry - that became a bit of a rant.

Chugalug Sun 11-Mar-18 15:24:19

Yes it's definitely not valued by society in general...I feel embarrassed being a sahm.i certainly don't admit to it untill I know someone very well.i do wonder why I bothered doing a degree ..my teenage self would be horrified to think this is how I ended up...BUT ...he's the but ,I know it was the right thing for my children.ive 2 with ASD.one was home (no school place)for the whole of their secondary schooling,and it looks like the other is going the same way.

Chugalug Sun 11-Mar-18 15:27:34

As a teenager I dreamed of jobs I would have..never dreamed of boyfriends or babies..bit of a loner ,bit of ASD.just crept up on me this stay at home business..

MorganPrince Thu 10-May-18 14:42:48

I've been a SAHM for nearly 14 years and I don't regret it. I'm here for my children if they need me and you know what - what does society know anyway?!

If it wasn't for us SAHM's (and other mums obvs!) homes would be havoc and children wouldn't get to school on time. I HATE that society tells me I should be ashamed of being at home during the school day while my boys are in school. It's like I'm not worth anything despite raising my boys to be caring, friendly, people. I refuse to give up on this one though - I will not let thousands of women think they have to keep their choices to themselves!

WE SHOULD BE PROUD TO BE SAHMS!

And we should be ALLOWED to be proud. We don't sit on our bums every day! We work hard and need to start shouting from the rooftops that we are worthy!

Oh boy... think you may have got me started... 😉

OhHolyJesus Tue 15-May-18 22:03:47

Can I jump on here? I'm only 2 years in as a SAHM and I love it so much, I really don't want to go back to work - but I have found there is expectation that when DS turns 3 and we will get some free childcare I will work in some capacity. Now if it's flexible no problem but my roles before and my experience will most likely mean I can't find a flexible working arrangement...and quite frankly I don't want to bust my bum doing it all!

How do you all deal with those comments that allude to 'when' not if when it comes to returning to work?

Believeitornot Tue 15-May-18 22:06:33

Given that children are our future, I think sahms play a valuable role in society.

Just want to state that. (I’m a WOHM just being nosey!)

Believeitornot Tue 15-May-18 22:12:52

Given that children are our future, I think sahms play a valuable role in society.

Just want to state that. (I’m a WOHM just being nosey!)

user1457017537 Tue 15-May-18 22:16:58

Terftastic I love your comment that the dog would miss you 😂

user1457017537 Tue 15-May-18 22:19:29

I think women who work don’t stop going on about it! Here’s a newsflash - we all work! Whether your a SAHM or not

whiteroseredrose Tue 15-May-18 22:28:25

I was a SAHM for 4 years then a 3-mornings-a-week TA for 4 years. Now FT in something completely different. Really miss being at home. DDog definitely misses me!

user1494670108 Tue 15-May-18 22:29:24

I feel sorry for the adults and the the children thereof who work, especially full time.
I'm almost 14 years and also have a dog who would miss me, I'm constantly busy but also able to take kids places, arrange repairs, work people etc. Our leisure time is just that as we're not chasing our asses cleaning/ shopping etc at the weekend.
I have several friends who also don't work and I think that is key, it can be lonely if you don't make efforts to reach out.

sixtimesseven Tue 15-May-18 22:36:04

Similar boat to the OP -- SAHM for 14 years and mostly due to ASD diagnosis of DC resulting in DC constantly being in and out of school and not able to do holiday camps.

I despise people who ask 'what do you do all day?'

I found it very isolating being a SAHM as most of the other mums were able to work so never had other families to go on outings with on the holidays or anything.

Going to retrain for a new career as my marriage is over and employers won't hire me with such a career gap.

sixtimesseven Tue 15-May-18 22:37:56

Anyone here get ignored at a party once you say you're a SAHM? It's like you don't exist if you don't have a career.

Peakypolly Tue 15-May-18 22:41:21

SAHP for 23 years so far.
Love it , feel so fortunate not be a wage slave. I can choose my priorities throughout the week. I have never felt that I lack an identity because I don't...

missnevermind Tue 15-May-18 22:48:32

SAHM of 20 years here.
But I have done loads of different things in that time. I have had a few part-time jobs at the beginning when I only had one child working evenings. My favourite of which was BT directory enquiries.
I have four children ranging from 20 to 6 and have no intention of returning to work any time soon.
I have run playgroups within schools volunteered for reading groups and also as a volunteer TA in primary schools. The amount of courses I have taken just on small things that interests me I would not be able to do if I was working.
But this year I am taking time for me and looking after my health which I haven’t done for a long time I’ve joined the gym and do four or five classes a week and I’m starting to enjoy getting out and meeting new people again

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