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A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

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A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

SAHP

childcare good or bad?

26 replies

PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 14:06

Hello, just wondered if anybody has ever put they're babies in child care and now they found it? I've heard mixed reviews on the child care system and don't know what to do. I'm in a situation where we can either scrape by or go for the child care option and don't know what to do. Interested in hearing what your experiences are?

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 14:06

their

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InDubiousBattle · 01/12/2017 14:15

I think that ghere's both good and bad child care and childcare which would be great for one child wouldn't suit another. I chose not to use childcare and gave up work when my eldest was born (dc now 2.5 and almost 4). I found the first 6 months of having two under two hard but the rest of the time it has been fantastic. I have honestly loved it. I think it has been great for my children as I don't think any setting could offer the variety, quality and consistency of care as me. The overwhelming majority of my friends have returned to work and most of their children settled into their child care setting well and have really enjoyed it.

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Adviceplease360 · 01/12/2017 14:17

I have never put my kids into childcare until their 3rd birthday, then for 15 hours per week. I am happy and confident in my decision, would recommend it too. Good luck.

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 14:27

Thanks that's great. I'm just concerned about my work experience. Have you found it okay getting back into the work place?

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 14:27

Sorry this is in sahm! Ignore my stupid question!!

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 14:40

I don't know why but I'm feeling guilty about thinking about being SAHM. Do you find people judge a lot? Also worrying about my pension and money later in life.

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InDubiousBattle · 01/12/2017 14:44

I think it very much depends on what you expect from returning to work. It would be ridiculous to think you could take 6/7/8 years out and return to anything like your previous level of work. Next year my oldest goes to school, my youngest already goes to pre school 6 hours over two days but I can up that to every morning. I'm going to volunteer at a school, generally get as involved as a I possibly can. I'd like to be a TA but it's poorly paid and jobs are scarce. Next year will give me the opportunity to see if it would suit me and help me see the lay of the land so to speak.

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 14:51

Thanks that's great I think I'll try keep my hand in the pot if I do decide to stay at home. I want to do something just don't know what!! Ideally Since having a baby I feel like I'm lost to be honest; completely lost who I am! I can't go backup my fulltime job because they wouldn't reduce my hours and travel time too lengthy.

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 14:52

Ideally I'd work from home but that's not so easy*

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 14:52

back to*

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InDubiousBattle · 01/12/2017 14:54

Do people judge a lot?

Mn is unbelievably hostile to SAHPs in my experience. In real life it's a mixed bag. My dad was very disappointed that I gave up work (my mum would be rolling in her grave). Some friends say that they couldn't cope without work, others are the high earners but wouod love to SAH if they could. I've had some negative comments about it (some completely unintentional, others deliberately unpleasant)and some quite positive. I would have to say it's probably the worst aspect of it for me, but that said it doesn't bother me greatly tbh.

Wrt money, dp and I are getting married next year and I suppose we might not had I carried on work. We pay into a private pension for me however my pension was crap before tbh as I was self employed for years pre dc! I suppose it did make it easier to walk away from than a lovely big pension might have been. I wasn't a very high èarner before, after our second baby I wouod have been working to pay for childcare and I don't think my career would have progressed a great deal in the intervening years.

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 15:04

Thanks InDubiousBattle your response was very honest and extremely helpful. I wonder if those judging you on MN are maybe a little jealous because they don't have the option to stay at home. We don't judge them for working do we.
I'm not sure what to do, I had a very good pension with employer contributions. We can't afford to put into a private pension for myself. I don't know if there's anything I can get drawn up to ensure DH splits his with me if anything happened down the line. LHe said he would but i can't just take his word unfortunately.
Ifi went back to work now I'd have to look for a new part time job closer to home. i'd also worry about leaving ds and would prefer to wait until he's alittle more aware of his surroundings.

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 15:04

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Merryhobnobs · 01/12/2017 15:13

This is an impossible question but eberyone is different and every experience is different and there is no 'one fits all' solution. Personally I had 1 year maternity leave. My daughter started nursery 3 full days a week (roughly 8am-5.30pm) at 11 months old and I work 2.5 days, meaning I have 1 morning a week to either do lots of housework, gp, dentist, etc etc. We have no family nearby and even if we did they wouldn't offer childcare. I enjoy my job, I enjoy it even more I am part time. We have a good balance for my daughter, for me and ultimately us as a family (my husband works full time). I found when I was at home all the time I didn't keep on top of the housework as I do now and whilst I loved getting my maternity leave I need to go out to work and use my brain that way for my own sanity, the sector I am in has very few jobs as well so I wouldn't be able to leave and return. The other point is that my girl is very, very active, she is sociable and very much an explorer and the nursery we picked for her suits her so, so well and she is thriving there. She really loves nursery. This is my experience. You just have to weigh everything up and work out what is best for your family

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InDubiousBattle · 01/12/2017 15:13

I'm assuming dh means you are married? In the event of a divorce any settlement would reflect the fact that y8u gave up work the take care of his dc. Dp has a great pension and a big part of us getting married is because I have struggled to find any other way to get an entitlement to any of it!

Would money still be tight if you returned to work? Do you plan on more DC?

I do some quite cheap stuff with the kids, £1 a go children's centre groups etc but it is nice to have some leeway in the budget for days when it's pissing it down and miserable and I just a want to take them to soft play then put for tea (followed by a few wines for me whilst dp takes them home!). I think it would be much harder, as with everything, if finances were very tight. I should say we are far from flush but get by with a bit of extras, mainly due to suspending any saving u til I return to work

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 15:23

We wouldn't have a lot of disposable cash but we'd be able to get by. We are planning on having a second child when DS is alittle older; maternity pay isn't an issue as i don't have any this time apart from SMP. I'm thinking about maybe trying to get a job for one day a week at first if that's possible then Dh going 4 over 4 and taking care of ds on that day and no child care to pay. I don't know how easy getting a one day a week job would be. It might not be much money but it would be alittle extra and may keep my sanity.

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 15:23

5 over 4* sorry very fidgety baby on my lap

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BackforGood · 01/12/2017 15:25

just wondered if anybody has ever put they're babies in child care and now they found it?

I think you'll find millions of people have!

For many parents there isn't really a choice. It's what you do when you have to work.
If you are trying to weigh up whether you should go back to work or not after a maternity leave, then things you need to take into account are - as you've stated - things like pension and indeed longer term effects on your career, but probably the biggest is how you 'get back into' your career if you take some years out.
If you do a job that hasn't required much training or qualifications or particularly high skill set, then it isn't so big a decision. If, however you are in a job or a career that you have spent years training for, and is a fairly fast moving industry that you need to keep on top of changes, or is a lot to do with contacts or networking, then it would be massive to step out of that industry. Still, could be the right choice for a few, but it is a much bigger decision to take.

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 15:26

Yeah we're married but I always thought in the event of a divorce the husband had to agree or it could be quite difficult to get half. And I was worried incase it was an unfair ruling and being stuck with nothing down the line. I don't plan on divorcing and love DH but it would be very niave of me to think things can't happen; relationships can change.

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BackforGood · 01/12/2017 15:26

Oh, and 'childcare' is a whole industry. There is superb childcare out there. There is some shockingly poor childcare out there. There is everything in between. You can't just lump it together into 'Is it good or bad to use childcare'

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KatharinaRosalie · 01/12/2017 15:29

We don't judge them for working do we.
Ha. I must have been dreaming all those 'why did you have them if you don't want to raise them' and 'day orphanages' comments then..

Yes I put my children in child care. I find it great.

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 15:33

Thanks BackforGood I know I worded it terribly! It's just as well you ladies have been so nice about it.
I wouldn't say it was a career, I'd say more of a job but it was a decent one. I guess nothing to cry about losing though. I think I'm more worried about losing myself abit as I'm not the most confident person.

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PasstheStarmix · 01/12/2017 15:35

Thanks KatharinaRosalie it's interesting to hear from the other side. Comments like that are terrible, some small minded people isn't there!?!

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Blahblahblahzeeblah · 01/12/2017 15:40

MN has a very strong feminist section (which is great) and a lot of these women are very against the idea of being a SAHM due to the lack of financial independence.
How you deal with this depends a lot on your marriage. All of the money my husband earns goes into our joint bank account and I am responsible for keeping track of the bills. I don't ask permission to buy anything. I spend the cash as though I earnt it. There is also the risk of seperation. Being married protects you to some extent but obviously you can't make up for any years lost in career progression. You need to weigh up this risk against how important being a SAHP is to you.
Many children thrive in childcare, some children don't. Every child is different. I think for most children it doesn't make much different whether they're at nursery or home so the decision really is (assuming you can afford it) where you'd be happiest!

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AnonEvent · 01/12/2017 16:25

As PPs have suggested there is a no right or wrong, so long as the child is looked after by a person, or people, who care for them.

I returned to work at 6 months out of necessity (financial), DH stopped work for 6 months to see her through to being a year old.

At 11.5 months she started private day nursery 4 days a week, smallish class (9 kids max) very highly rated, and we're really pleased with the standard of care she receives. She is happy to go every day.

Nursery offers our DD more scope for (very) messy play, socialisation (especially as an only child), music lessons, yoga (I kid you not), etc. than we can easily offer. It also means DH and I can both work, which allows us to live in a nice house, in a nice neighbourhood, and offer her the stability and security we want to.

I feel more comfortable with nursery than a childminder as there will always be 3+ adults in the room with her, leaving her with one other adult would feel more of a risk (not only in case the adult behaved badly, but what if he/she got ill, or had an accident while DD was there). If she didn't enjoy nursery, we'd try the nanny option (ideally a nanny-share to keep costs manageable). If that didn't work, we'd assess our living expenses, and DH and I would change our working hours so as we could share her care during the week.

I sometimes ask myself if I'd prefer to be a SAHP, and in some ways definitely yes, I miss DD a LOT, and if I'm having a slow or frustrating day at work, I can think of nothing I'd like more than going home and picking her up.

But all-in-all, I think we're doing the right thing. I love my job (mainly) it's a big part of my identity (I've built my own business over many years), and I'm responsible for employees and clients, and I don't want to walk away from that. It's also quite a technical role, and I'd miss thinking about technical solutions if I was at home with DD fulltime.