Housework, partner, hormones & tears!(18 Posts)
Evening all, hope you're all well!
I'm a SAHM to a 10 month old that never sleeps, I'm also 28 weeks pregnant, crazy sleep deprived and hormonal.
I've posted on MN before about my partner's lack of unwillingness to do any form of housework other than put the bins out once a week (and even then that doesn't always get done), and about how he'll let his dirty laundry build up in a massive pile next to his side of the bed rather than take it to the laundry basket.
He basically does nothing around the house. I do everything.
I've also spoken about how he's the absolute WORST in any form of conversation that is even remotely serious. He won't look at me while im talking, won't say a word, won't apologise for anything. He basically stone walls me each and every time.
So with that in mind ~
He come home from work today to, as usual, a clean and tidy house (apart from his gross pile of clothes). He sat down and played with our DS whilst I scuttled off to the kitchen and made our dinner. I was in the kitchen for over an hour making our food, I brought it to him, he ate his, I ate mine, I went back out in to the kitchen for a further 20 minutes cleaning and scrubbing everything.
Once I'd finished cleaning, I calmly sat down and told him that as of next week, he needs to pick a day and that will be his day each and every week that he cleans the kitchen after dinner. I'm growing tired of being the main cook then the only person tidying up afterwards.
I also told him that it feels like I'm living with a teenager due to his lack of care about his dirty clothes. I said it's not fair on me to have to look at a week-old pile of work shirts and pants in a bedroom that we share, and worse than that, I said it's frankly disrespectful to expect me to pick through it and see what actually needs washing.
The entire time I was talking, he just stared at his phone. I got a little emotional (thanks hormones) and cried a bit, he still didn't look at me, nor did he say a single fricken' word.
I got up, told him our baby's bottles need cleaning and making and I've come to bed.
Sorry that was long. I just needed to rant/vent.
Anyone else's partners as useless as mine!?
How sad, maddening and disrespectful.
Do you have anyone else to turn to for the practical and emotional support you're not getting from your partner?
What will happen when you have a newborn too?
What would happen if you just stopped doing anything for him? Stop cooking for him.
TBH I would file for divorce/tell him it's over - will be far better off on you own...
@Somerville It's becoming quite infuriating. It's not the first time I've told him that he needs to pull his weight around the house and that having a job that comes with a wage slip isn't an automatic pass from doing household chores. He makes me feel like a maid - again, something I've told him, but nothing changes.
I only really have my parents to lean on for emotional support and my Dad isn't his biggest fan so wouldn't want to add fuel to the fire. My mum adores him so for opposite reasons I don't want her to view him negatively.
@gamerchick well, he's essentially run out of work clothes. I washed a couple of shirts this morning that had made their way to the laundry basket but they won't be dry by tomorrow so I wish him luck with finding something to wear.
I don't mind doing the cooking. Truthfully, I enjoy having an hour or so to myself, music on, baby free. It's just that I'm the one cleaning up too. I've always been a firm believer in one cooks, the other cleans but evidently that doesn't sit well in this house
I got round this by making my husband pay for cleaning, extra massages and just making my own way out on the weekend and just leaving him with the baby for a few hours. Once I literally just get up and walk out of the door. I hade
a bottle ready and pile of clean nappies then I handed baby to him and took myself for a few hours to the cinema. I didnt't even tell him where I went . I just went.
You can't change someone else's behaviour, sadly. He needs to listen to what you are saying, accept there is a problem - and that he is wrong to behave in this way - and vow to change.
But he isn't listening, doesn't care and has no intention of doing anything differently.
The only thing you can do is decide how you will react to this. Do you accept it and stay? Or decide not to and leave? It really is that basic, I'm afraid.
@RandomMess I do keep wondering just what it will take before he realises that he needs to
1) Grow up and tidy up. Having a job isn't an excuse for not cleaning up after himself.
And 2) learn to talk to me and engage with me during 'adult' conversations.
I'm just so exhausted right now and feel so down-trodden.
What will you do if he doesn't clear up one venting after work next week, OP?
That's a good idea @CookieDoughKid !
I'm becoming tempted to just F off one evening and leave him to finish tidying up and deal with the baby.
Definitely in need of some me time!
Agree with pp . My dh didNT change so I kicked him out. Literally. For 2 years we lived separately and only once separated did he appreciate his family more than living the single life. He got very lonely. We are now back together and the only thing that changed is that he completely takes care of kids on weekends to allow me to rest and I spend as much of his money as possible on cleaners, meals out, online shopping, expensive COOK branded meals . He would rather pay all this than do any of it himself. We even outsource DIY.
So long he is willing to pay. It's a compromise we have both ok'd.
@Somerville I'd likely leave it til the following evening in the hopes he'd do it then, but I imagine the chances would be slim and I'd just end up doing it.
He probably will stick to it for about a month before gradually stopping altogether. When I've spoken to him in the past about his cleaning habits and how it makes me feel like I'm just expected to do it all, he'll be really clean, tidy and attentive for about 4 days then everything just goes back to 'normal'.
Leaving laundry and dirty dishes doesn't not work with my dh. He'd rather buy new ones every single time than deal with it. It's sheer laziness and bloody mindedness. Unfortunately my dh can afford a new shirt every day of the year. He sees it as wage per hour. He'd rather pay a cleaner than use his time off as he doesn't see cleaning valuable at all.
He was on his phone while you were telling him how unhappy you are?
Did you keep talking? Why?
I'd have left the building, gone to the pub maybe and not come back until late. He would not have had any dinner, any laundry, any anything until he came to me apologised, ready to listen and engage.
You do not have to act like the skivvy, finding his dirty shirts in the pile and washing them, cleaning up after the dinner. You can say "You load the dishwasher while I wipe the table" etc every single night. Hand him the dish cloth. "You bath the baby while I fold the clothes." You shouldn't need to ask but with this man you obviously need to tell him.
@RunRabbitRunRabbit if it wasn't for his phone in his hand, he'd have stared at the carpet, the wall, the ceiling, the tv - basically anywhere other than my general direction cos heaven forbid he should actually look me in the eye when I'm upset and essentially putting him in his place.
He took himself off to have a bath as soon as I got into bed this evening and I have no doubts that he won't apologise when he comes in to the bedroom later.
I think I'm just going to have to stop doing things for him. I'm so fed up.
Do exactly that, stop doing stuff for him. Don't pick through his washing to see what is dirty, just leave it to pile up. If it's driving you crazy, push it under the bed or somewhere out of your sight. Also, cook yourself dinner in the day and do sandwiches for evening meal. Or organise ready meals a couple of times a week so you don't need to clean up. When you do cook, do everything you like.
Hopefully all these will send a message that you are not just there for him.
I have had to do this as my husband was a little like this. No washing gets done unless it's in the washing basket. I cook food that I like and buy food that I want. Every now and then I'll insist on takeaway.
If a job needs doing, give him an either / or option; would you rather make dinner or put baby to bed? Sort washing or vacuum?
I hate when people look at their phone when you're talking it's so disrespectful...😡
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