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Partner not paying bills or helping more financially

(17 Posts)
Zeze878 Tue 30-May-17 13:34:47

Hi all.

I could do with outsiders perspectives on mine and my partners relationship. We've been together 10 years and have 2 small children. After our first was born we BOTH made the decision that I wouldn't return to work until the children were old enough. I have a 4 year old in school now and a nearly 2 year old. My plan is to return to work part time when my littlest is in nursery and then full time when she is at school.
Part of the reason for this is that it would be too costly for them to be in a childcare (also not something I feel comfortable with) I would basically be working for someone else to be taking care of them. So at the moment my partner works full time and money is pretty tight.

My partner earns around 1400 a month. Our rent is 600 and he spends a ridiculous amount on his car (insurance and finance), he also pays for the gas and electricity. We are behind with the water as he states he can't afford to pay it and the same goes for the council tax which he has recently stopped paying as it's too much money . Same with the TV licence. We don't have any other luxuries.

I receive my children's child benefits and tax credits around 130 a week which is spent on family and pet food, children's clothes and shoes, phone bill etc. I feel this sounds adequate but I always struggle.

The problem is with him not paying certain bills and refusing to help me out if I ever need it. For example today my little ones wardrobe broke and he has refused to buy her even a cheap rail to hang the clothes on. Last week I had my purse stolen and he stated he had nothing to give with me and I'd have to go without (luckily there was only about 30 pounds in there ).

I don't know what to do or feel. Am I in the wrong in believing the money he earns is all ours for the things we all need? Or is it his money? I've brought things up before and it seems to end in an argument. I can't get anywhere asking for help.

I've started looking for some work that would fit around our lifestle but he works shift work so it changes all the time from lates to earlys.

Just not sure if I'm over reacting or being silly? Is it as simple as he says and I should just get a job? Or do you think he should stop being so tight with the money?

BabyHamster Tue 30-May-17 13:44:29

I think if you have children then all money should be family money and you have to budget and prioritise together. The way he is behaving is not right.

You really need to speak to him urgently and sort out a plan. You can't just stop paying council tax for example, that debt doesn't go away and it will catch up with you.

It may be that you need to get a job to afford the things you want as a family ( will you get free childcare hours soon, could you work during that time?) but there's no way of knowing if that's needed until you've looked at your finances and worked out where the money is going and where it's needed.

Zeze878 Tue 30-May-17 14:00:31

Yes I agree that the money should ve all of ours, I'm glad you agree as I thought I may be in the wrong thinking that.

I am currently looking for work that would fit around our lives. This is difficult because I breastfeed throughout the night so nights are a no go and as I stated he works shift work.
I definitely budget shop use the little money I have wisely for example all our clothes and shoes are from charity shops, I have no car and walk everywhere and I use the cheaper supermarkets and grow some of our own food.

It's possibly more his attitude I find hard to deal with. The lack or working together as he refuses to sit down and discuss what comes in and what goes out.

GreenPolishToGo Tue 30-May-17 14:06:04

It's family money, not his money. He's taking the piss, frankly. The children are his as well as yours, and you both made the choice that you should care for them rather than spend on childcare.

His priorities should be ensuring his family are adequately fed and clothed, and paying the bills, not splashing out on a bloody car.

He sounds awful OP.

MovingtoParadise Tue 30-May-17 14:18:34

I'm ignoring the rest of your post and telling you that you HAVE to pay your Council tax before cars and anything else:


You won't for anything else but you WILL end up with massive fines or jail for non payment

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets Tue 30-May-17 14:23:53

He needs to change his car.

And he needs to pay bills, especially council tax.

You can't just decide to stop paying because it's too much. It's not an opt-in system.

Whileweareonthesubject Tue 30-May-17 14:32:21

I assume he needs a reliable car if he works shifts. Certainly one of my dcs spends a lot on car expenses but also works shifts, so cannot rely on public transport to get to and from work.
It sounds as though you need to sit down and sort things out, as well as trying to find some sort of work yourself. I understand that you decided together, that you would stay at home, but things change and sometimes we don't have the luxury of choice. DH and I were always clear that one of us (happened to be me, but could equally have been him) would stay at home with our dcs. We managed for a few years, but then I had to find part time work to supplement dh's wages. I wouldn't have chosen to return to work then, but needs must.
You must pay council tax - it's a priority debt and failure to pay can (and does) end up in court. The other bills, you need to contact the companies to sort out as you don't want ccjs against you - that can affect your ability to work in jobs where money is part of the work, either cash or transfers.

Theresnonamesleft Tue 30-May-17 14:41:15

Why cannot these things be paid?
He is being ridiculous and especially to say ct cannot be paid. It's up there with rent.
He needs to show where the money is going, because all bills should be manageable.
For context I live in London where it is expensive. I earn around the same as him and get less ct and cb.
Rent is around the same. All bills are paid with money left for clothes etc. Plus luxury of take always and alcohol.

Joffmognum Sat 03-Jun-17 01:09:54

The father of my child earns £1700 plus pays me £200/month maintainance so has a similar income to your partner. He should definitely be able to pay CT and if not should consider alternatives to his car. Could he cycle to work? Could you rent closer and he walk (worth the fees in the long run)?. He could probably downgrade his car and get a partial refund on his finance deal.

RandomUsernameHere Thu 08-Jun-17 23:10:17

You are not over reacting or being silly at all. The money he earns is the family's money. Couldn't he get a cheaper car?

MrsMoastyToasty Thu 08-Jun-17 23:15:28

Non payment of council tax could result in goods being seized by bailiffs to pay the debt. (Usually sold at auction at a fraction of their true worth)
Non payment of TV licence could result in a fine of £1000 on top of the debt.

ImperialBlether Thu 08-Jun-17 23:18:11

I agree with the others - council tax should be prioritised. On his salary I wouldn't think he has enough for an expensive car. How can anyone justify spending a lot on a car when they can't pay their tax?

PotatoesAreDelicious Sun 02-Jul-17 17:24:07

I hope you have started to pay the council tax.

As a person who used to work in council tax the first thing they will do is send you a reminder for a missed payment. If you do not make this payment they will ask for the full amount for the year

If you do not pay that it will then go to court and they will get a liability order. That proves you are liable for the payment and that rubber stamp means they can take the money you owe direct from his salary

This is known as an Attachment of Earnings order and the rate is FIXED by the government, so assuming 1400 net salary he will pay 12% of his salary so £168 per month. He is literally just under the next level up which is anything over £1420 pm will be 17% of his salary.

If he thinks he can't afford his council tax now wait till they take it at source.

The key word you are not seeing is tax it is a government tax collected locally and they don't fuck about. Even if you'd offered to pay me £100pm I couldn't take your offer because I am guaranteed the money from the attachment of earnings.

Your partner needs to sort his finances out.

sparechange Sun 02-Jul-17 17:44:33

Do you know where his money goes? IE what else he spends it on after the rent and car have been paid?

Yes he is being tight, but you have a very low family income and money is going to be tight.

I think you need to have a bit of a wake up call about your finances. It might be your preference to not have to put your DCs in any childcare but in your current situation, you don't have that luxury.

Your children are going to suffer far more in the long run if you sink under a mountain of debt, than having to do a few hours of childcare, and/or cut down/out nighttime feeds

Not paying water and council tax is beyond stupid, and needs to be sorted out asap

todayisthedays Fri 11-Aug-17 15:40:26

I'm in your position, although my husband is waking up and realising it can't go on. Firstly you need to sit down with him and talk about the seriousness of the council tax and main priority bills.
My husband had a car because he does shift work and he needs a car so a big chunk of his wages goes on the car ( my husband also earns the same as your husband). Up until last month he was expecting me to pay nearly everything on my child tax and child benefit payments. He only paid for the car and helped with shopping and gas and electric now and again so I was struggling to pay everything on my own and I took out credit cards and everything to cover stuff we needed because he wouldn't buy it. I'm now in debt. But I always made sure council tax was paid as much as I could because it's a debt you can NEVER ignore. I spoke to my husband and found out he had a massive overdraft that took his wages and that's why he couldn't help me pay stuff ( it was an overdraft caused by struggling financially) now he helped pay 'some' things and things are slowly improving but we still have a long way to go. You need to talk to him! I know it's hard working with kids as I've found the same and I'm a SAHM. But you need to talk to him because your situation isn't good

rollonthesummer Fri 11-Aug-17 15:46:06

What does he pay monthly for his car?

It doesn't sound like you can afford to not work at the moment-we have never been able to afford for me not to. Can you advertise as a cleaner or something like that to fit in with his shifts? That sort of work was very popular with many mums at school when our kids were little as it offered a bit more flexibility.

He sounds like an arse-you can't just stop paying things like this and expect to get away with it.

Ketso Sat 16-Jun-18 05:02:29

It's 4am in the morning and l cannot sleep because this is bothering me. I am a lady nearly 50. I have grown up children younger one starting university in September 2018. I have 2 dilemmas l want to share with you guys. I am literally going mad.
Father of my children passed away when the children were small. what l did was raise them until they were old enough to understand life. I have a partner, we have been together for 6 years. My issue is this man does not pay bills,.only council tax. Our bills comes to calm. £1000 a month and l have been paying since we moved in together. If l say he doesn't help l mean he sits there and always media if he is not working. He doesn't cook, clean, or go shopping. I don't know what to do, of course l get a bit more than him but maybe a difference of £500 a month.
I have a daughter at university who l have to give money monthly to make up for what she is loosing because in student finance application it shows l have a partner but he has never ever given my kids a penny in life. I am so frustrated with bills because my son is going to university in September and that means l will have to pay for 2'of them and responsibility in the house. I am happy paying some of the bills but not all of them. This guy has been enjoying life for the past 6years.
I believe a man should provide for his family not the other way round. This man cannot even buy flowers, perfume or anything to show love. I have cancelled internet because l think this has taken over his life. We do not go out, l go alone table of one. My kids 2 of them working do give me money once in a while to help. But my puzzle is "why does my partner pay bills". Does he want me to ask. When bills comes he does open them.
Please l need your advice
Ketso frustrated lady

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