How can I stop resenting DH?

[SpareHead1]

Apologies in advance as I've never really posted before but have read a few threads searching for help!

I've been a SAHM since October to DS(3) and DD(1) - gave up career as hated where I worked and DD has health issues. I'm finding it ridiculously hard work (much harder than my job!) but DS is pretty good - touch wood - and is in preschool 2 days a week so that helps.

My problem is that I feel so resentful to DH - not because he gets to escape at work - but because I don't feel like he does enough to help out. I do all the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, shopping, dressing and bathing kids etc. However, he does do DD's bedtime and gets up with DS who tends to be an early riser (sometimes 5am!). I could manage DD'S bedtime myself but he says he wants to spend time with her. I know I'd struggle with the early mornings for DS though - and I know it's wrong of me to think this - but if it wasn't for that then I might as well be a single parent!

DH isn't a bad man - he's kind and loving - but when I've mentioned him maybe doing more - he's always said he thinks he does enough. And I know compared to many men that he does do a lot - but I'm getting so angry at him under the surface that I just really need some advice on dealing with it please!

Thank you in advance!

[MommaGee]

You say he does a lot compared to other end but really he's just doing get up for your son and put down for your daughter. I dont think that's a lot unless he's working 70 hours a week....

Does he feed and dress son when he gets him up?

Presumably once you're up he's out to work so of course all the day stuff falls to you on work days. However if you're cooking he could wash up. Yes he's doing dd bedtime but unless she's a nightmare how long does that actually take?

I think any chores completed once he's home should be shared so no reason he can't fold some washing or tidy the kids toys up.

Weekends, assuming he gets two days off, take it in turns. Perhaps you could do I early get up with your ds but then dh could do lunch and dinner that day.
Schedule one of the big jobs for when he's home and either ask him to do it or get him to tale the kids out so you can do it in peace.

Tell him you feel like its all on you and whilst you appreciate what he does do, you are not the housekeeper

[Kr1stina]

How much he does compared to other men isn't relevant. It's how much he does compared to YOU that matters. You should both have the same amount of free time.

[esk1mo]

If you worked full time and DH stayed home, but you got up with your DS and put your DD to bed, what do you think would count as reasonable in regards to chores you would be willing to share?

Why dont you ask him to cook for the family one night a week? Or you could offer to get DD ready for bed and he could do the washing up or the laundry.

[Coastalcommand]

It's early days to be so angry. Maybe this set up isn't right for you. Could you go back to work, even part time?
Could your husband then reduce his hours to do more at home?

[Kr1stina]

I think the problem is that you have a 168 hour a week job and he has a ? 40 hour a week job.

Both of you think that is he does anything at home he's " helping out" so he gets to decide what bits of " your job " ( parenting, housework and wifework ) that he does and when. And expects rewarded for it. Because if it's 100% your job , he's doing you a big favour.

You both need to change your mindset. He needs to accept that it's not reasonable for him to only work 40 hours ( with a lunch break ) while you work 168 hour and squeeze in breaks when you can.

And that you being the sole parent ends when he walks in the door after work - then you are a team. You need to share the work of parenting and housework for the other 128 hours a week.

You need to agree a division of labour - he doesn't get to pick and choose all the time while you get what's left .

If he's not willing to do that then you need to go back to work FT, or this will destroy your marriage. Don't bother with part time, as men like this will still leave you to do everything at home and with the kids ON TOP of paid work.

[SpareHead1]

Thank you for the advice everyone - he has done a bit more this week like dressing the kids the other day and making breakfast twice so anything like that helps! I also remembered some old advice I read about treating him like a child and praising the good stuff so I'll keep working on that whilst looking for another job