Need Husband to help more in the evenings

[Grinandbearingit]

I'm a SAHM of a baby and a toddler. My husband and I go around in circles talking about whose life is more stressful, mine or his!? He rarely gets home in time to help with bath and bed time, even though he could. And when I call to see what time he's coming home, he says he's the only husband whose wife does that! Surely all wives/ partners crave help from their other halves at the end of a long day, but by 18.00 I'm done! I've worked in an office before so I've walked a week in his shoes, he's never had both kids all week on his own, so he's never walked a week in my shoes! He says I'm ungrateful because I don't have to work and I'm moaning about looking after the kids, but I'm not, I'd just like more help at bedtime! He also counts all my time as free time as he thinks you can do ANYTHING with 2 kids in tow, so my requests for free time at the weekend have to be justified!? Does anyone else go through this, I'm at my wits end trying to get through to him!!!

[Afreshstartplease]

It's not a competition as to who has the more stressful life

I'm currently on maternity with a baby and 3 year old at home. Plus two primary aged DC.

When dp is home certain things get shared. Others still fall on me

If you ring him often I imagine it's really annoying

When he's not home at 6 is that because of work? If so then it's not really fair of you to complain I don't think

If he's sat in the pub on the other hand then rant away

[Grinandbearingit]

It turns into a competition when you has to justify why you need some 'me' time unfortunately. I ring him once, and that's usually if he's not home when he said he would, and that's because our 4yr old is usually waiting up for him. Sorry if that's annoying, but my son not being disappointed sort of overrules that! He doesn't have to be at the office as late as he is...just says he gets more done when everyone has left.

[mouldycheesefan]

Sounds like he is deliberately missing bedtime that would really annoy me.
We work as a team, we have always had to as we have twins. I would love dh to be home earlier, it's usually 7.30pm, but when he does get home he cooks dinner and we both do together all the other things that need to be done before we sit down and eat at 9pm.

[Afreshstartplease]

You ring him once? Once a day?

How often is he home later than you feel he should be?

I'd not give your four year old an early time to expect him home TBH, I'd say he's home at 6 and then if he's early it's a nice surprise isn't it

[Grinandbearingit]

My Mum thinks that too mouldycheesefan! I also cook dinner and clear it up! I often eat with the kids as I can't eat too late, I go to bed early as the baby is a bad sleeper. I assure you I am no walkover and I make it known I'm not happy....it's just he doesn't seem to get it !!! Yes I literally ring him once to see what time he'll be home, my 4yr old goes to bed around 19.30/20.00 which is probably too late already. I'd say 4 out of 5 nights he's late! But if he's got plans, he makes it home early!!!

[buzzlightyearsdinosaur]

Early on DH and I agreed not to even start the 'who has it harder' conversation, we just have an understanding there it all balances out over time, sometimes I have a good day with all the perks and sometimes he does. This has meant that we can be happy for one another when the other one has a good day!

Once DH is home everything is shared 50/50, some days he walks in to a home cooked meal and a tidy house, other days he gets home at 9pm and pitches in with what ever needs doing.

If I were you I would run your day as you need, without planning in your DH. I have a 5 year old and he often needs to go to bed at 6:30, so I just put him to bed, IMO his need for sleep is greater than the need to see his Dad in the evening. This also means that there is no resentment, DH has not ruined my plans by being late...then if I have a night out planned during the week that is only 1 night that DH needs to be home on time. In his eyes (or ears) that is less nagging from me.

Also, if you are completely spent by 6pm and you are not putting your DC to bed until nearly 2 hours later, that 2 hours is not going to be fun for anyone.

I also do not put in 'requests' for free time at the weekend, nor would I ever engage in any conversion that involved justifying my need for free time. I make plans for myself and tell him that I will be going out at xx:xx time, I often do not give a return time. I make sure that there is enough food in the fridge (or not, DH has taken all 4 out to the supermarket before, just like I do if I need) and go out, as a result DH 'gets' how much hard work it can be.

[Grinandbearingit]

That's good advice! I'll take that on board for sure. No expectations and no justifying!

[Eminado]

Your post describes my situ almost exactly. I get zero help w bedtimes and i am also shattered by 6/7pm.

Whereabouts do you live? Not to be nosy just that you described my current life exactly.

I agree with just putting your child to bed at the correct time - less fraught evening and no angst, disappointment, chaser phonecalls etc.

[Eminado]

I'll be back later got to get my dd to nap but i just wanted to say i feel your pain

[Grinandbearingit]

It's not fun is it!? I live in Greater London, you?

[Eminado]

Thought so!
Yep same, zone 5.

My 2nd dd is 4mo and waking a lot in the night so i dont even have the energy to tackle the no free time issue. To be fair, i dont want to go out - i just want to sleep 😴.

I got very resentful by about 10mo with my first - i properly hated him by then. Resentment is terrible for a rship and v hard to get over. I would suggest you try to sort this out before you get to that point (imho).

Can you get a mother's help to relieve you once a week?

I found starting bathtime super early so that i wasnt doing it when i was so tired helped. Also very simple suppers prepared day before or during dd2s morning nap. Basically make your evenings very, very simple.

[Candlefairy101]

I ring my husband all the time during the day and text! Sometimes by lunch time over already had enough of the kids and I've text him then to see what time he's gonna be home

My husband grew up with a pig headed father and a mother that did EVERYTHING for them. It's was a big shock to the system when he settles and hand a family with me!

He once said those words to me " most other wives don't ring there husbands to see what time they get home" I laughed in his face and said "if you want to have the sort of life where you can come and go as you please will I'm at home with the kids then you should go back to your mother"

As soon as he's home we are 50/50 sometimes he does it all sometimes I do it all, it all depends on trusting if the other partner has actually had a bad day and needs a break or if they are taking the piss out of you and just don't want to do anything?

That trust took awhile but now we have got out of the 'I'm more tired then you' runt is okay.

We have Ds6 Dd2 Dd10 months

[AnnaT45]

It's so hard that time of day. I agree with pp who said crack on as if he's not coming home on time. Then if he does it's a bonus! My DH is constantly saying he'll be home to help but then doesn't get in till 7.30. It's hard on your own but I'm just clinging on to the notion that it will get easier eventually! I'm thinking of doing a gym class one evening a week as that's something I can't take the kids to! Just to get my break. Would that work for you?

[Coastalcommand]

perhaps it is that working life has changed since you left the job market? Certainly in my industry anyone seen to be clock watching and leaving on time is now seen as not committed to the job. It's not right I know but there is a culture in many professions of putting in a many hours unpaid overtime.
In order for him to progress through their career hierarchy he needs to be seen as hard-working and committed to his role.
I never complain that my husband is home late if he's been working because he is providing for us and we need his income to allow me to stay at home.

[TheManicMummy]

We have a rule in my house - we both work as hard as each other, if there's work to be done neither one sits down of an evening until it's all done. So he rests when I rest. We also do alternate "Lie Ins" on the weekend, if he wakes on a Saturday and says he's too tired, he gets a lie in that day and I'll have Sunday - unless we've made plans. It works really well for us, we have Irish twins and another on the way x