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Am I being selfish

(23 Posts)
Gchnmum Sat 18-Jun-16 07:59:13

Do any you SAHPs put your toddlers in a nursery in the day just to get a break? I am a SAHM and have 1 ds who is 16 months old. I have no family nearby and my husband works a lot. I have no friends, as where I live is quite isolated and there are no mum and babies activities nearby. In the last couple of weeks my ds has turned into a fully fledge toddler and 'terrible twos' seemed to have arrived early and he's teething. He's having lots of tantrums and being quite miserable. I am starting to struggle a little keeping him entertained. His attention span is about a minute, he's not interested in toys, even new ones. He's just started to walk so still a little wobbly. All he wants to do are things that are going to cause him harm. Try to eat the buttons/batteries from the TV remote, open and close drawers/cupboard etc. He wakes up at 6am and has one nap for about an hour to an hour and a half a day. He goes to bed between 7-8pm but does sleep through the night. The only time I get to myself in the day is when he's napping. This allows me to go to the toilet/cook/do laundry/clean/have a cup of tea etc. I am just wondering does anyone send their child to nursery for a break. Is that selfish of me?

Eminybob Sat 18-Jun-16 08:03:17

I think nursery is wonderful for the child in terms of social development.
And of course you need a break. It isn't selfish at all.
I work 3 days out of the home then spend my days off looking after my toddler and it is exhausting. Every so often I get a TOIL day from work when DS is in nursery and its bliss to have a day to myself. Although I usually end up doing stuff around the house so not really a break but nice to be able to do housework without a small child under my feet!

mupperoon Sat 18-Jun-16 08:07:53

I have a very easy-going 22mo and even so I feel guilty NOT AT ALL for putting her in nursery 2 mornings a week! She's blossoming and so much less bored since she started 4 months ago. So am I - was on the edge of madness. I don't think it's selfish because:

A) you will be a better mum by having more time to be a human in your own right
B) your boy will be stimulated by contact with other children and adults, activities you might not want to do at home such as messy play, etc

Go for it!

Nobloodynamesleft Sat 18-Jun-16 08:10:50

Yes, found one where I could do two afternoons a week. The others wanted more commitment. For other dc I went the childminder route. A lot cheaper. They would still mix with other children and go to activities etc. I think you need it for your sanity. Dh never questioned it and supported it. Use childcare vouchers for a discount.

laurzj82 Sat 18-Jun-16 08:13:31

I can totally sympathise as my dd was exactly the same as yours at that age. She is now 2.3ish and despite the terrible twos is much easier now she has more understanding and can communicate her needs a bit better.

I am in the same boat as you in that I'm a sahm with no real support and oh works away a lot. I put dd in nursery 1 day a week from about 11 months for the same reason . I did feel guilty at first but she loves it and it is so good for her especially since she's an only child. I'd say go for it if you can afford it. If he doesn't like it, we have the luxury of being able to pull them out if it doesn't work out.


prettywhiteguitar Sat 18-Jun-16 08:17:59

I think it's a difficult age ! And my ds has two nearly two hour naps during the day. I think I would be seriously going up the wall if he only had an hour.

Your ds also goes to bed about an hr after mine too, could you introduce anymore quiet time ? Or an earlier bedtime. ?

azola Sat 18-Jun-16 08:18:10

Me and DP had this discussion yesterday. He said when I feel comfortable with DS going to nursery I should start sending him in for a day so I get a break. Also then he can get used to being away from me and socialising with other children more.
He's only just turned 1 so I'm going to wait until January where he'll be 18/19 months old.

prettywhiteguitar Sat 18-Jun-16 08:19:03

Oh and don't think twice about nursery or a childminder he will love it !

SummerSazz Sat 18-Jun-16 08:21:22

I used to take mine to the gym creche and then go and sit in the sauna/jacuzzi followed by a child free shower. A 2 hr recharge 😁

Gchnmum Sat 18-Jun-16 08:22:44

Sorry for the typos I'm posting from my phone. Thank you for all the replies it's reassuring to know that it's not being selfish and that hopefully he'll be more stimulated. I've talked to my husband a little about how overwhelmed I've been feeling and he seems to interpret it as being bored of looking after our son and suggests that I go back to work. Which I do want to do but I also want to spend time with our son. I just wish there was more to with him where we live, so we could get out a little more. I'm going to look into the local nurseries and maybe trial sending him for a day or two.

mediocremumatherbest Sat 18-Jun-16 08:25:21

nursery is great! Dont feel guilty, they are such hard work at that age! If i could have sent either of mine to nursery for a break at that age id have done it in a heartbeat. Your son sounds exactly my second daughter, although she is 2 and a half now, and attends nursery 2 days a week, at home she has the attenton span of a 2 week old puppy. It is normal at that age though so dont just think its your child lol. Put him in nursery and do something for yourself, oh and guilt is a wasted emotion so pack that shit in!

HoggleHoggle Sat 18-Jun-16 08:27:28

I have a 2.5 year old, he has been going to nursery 1 day a week since he was 1. It's really good for him - he's made some lovely friends, they do brilliant fun things with him, and it's a good learning experience in terms of being without me in a safe environment. I use that day to clean and do errands so not the most fun, but even that is something I look forward to - just having a few hours to get on with things at my own pace is a break!

Also if you're feeling isolated, often nursery can open up new channels of friendship. Depends on the feel of the nursery but at ds's all the children are invited to parties (if they're having one), so you tend to meet the parents every few months and get to know each other.

IlikeCluedo Sat 18-Jun-16 08:28:51

I have twin boys and they have been going to nursery 2 mornings a week. They started going for one morning when they were 17months old. I felt really bad about it at first however it was a really good for them as they got to interact with other children and adults and they were happier in a newer environment which was more interesting. I also got a break to sort the house and sometime go out for coffee. So now I don't feel guilty about it.

Nobloodynamesleft Sat 18-Jun-16 08:29:41

I'd say dh needs more alone time with ds if he is questioning your motives!

sm40 Sat 18-Jun-16 08:30:25

I'm a Sahm and my children had one day in nursery a week. It was good for them, made going to school less alien. Also gave me a break. You don't get to go home after a day at work or get a weekend off. Means you go shopping, do your chores, or just meet a friend! Don't feel bad, and if your husband can get childcare vouchers it can not be too expensive. (However think rules have changed about vouchers).

DollyBarton Sat 18-Jun-16 08:30:52

Not selfish, smart! Use the time well, it's precious.

lanbro Sat 18-Jun-16 08:35:09

It's great for the child and the mother. SAH parenting can be relentless and you do need a break now and again. I've been fortunate that my dps and in laws have been very involved and I've had a day or two to myself since dd1 was 6 months. Both dc go to nursery now for 15 hrs and I work 2 days and have one me day a week. It helps ķeep me sane with a just turned 4 and a nearly 3 yr old!

Gchnmum Sat 18-Jun-16 08:37:07

Thanks mums ( and dads if you are out there too) smile. Your replies have made me feel a lot better. I sobbed myself to sleep after putting ds to bed last night, because I felt like I'm not being the mum I'd thought I be to him. I've been shouting and snapping a lot at him in the day lately and that is just not me.

Gchnmum Sat 18-Jun-16 08:51:00

Nobloodynamesleft- my husband very rarely spends alone time with ds and if he does it's an hour or two very rarely when I go to the hairdressers and that is literally like once every 3-4 months.

I'll speak to my dh today and see how he feels about it. My dh has anxiety issues in relation to our ds that are ongoing. Our ds was a preemie and dh is very anxious about ds getting ill (Sorry to drip feed, I've posted about his anxiety before on the Relationship board) so I'm not sure how he'll feel about our son mixing with other children. I'm sure he's going going to pick up things if he goes to nursery. I know he needs to be exposed to germs to build up an immunity and dh knows this too but he's still very anxious about it.

Kwirrell Sat 18-Jun-16 09:03:37

No advice you receive from others, no book you every read will prepare you for the relentlessness of looking after babies and toddlers. Some women seem to thrive on it, but I believe the majority find times when it is too much.

I have 3 adult DCs, 8 GCs and have worked as a childminder. your OH can have no idea what it is like to be responsible for a child day in and day out. You and your child will both be happier if you have a break from each other. Your child will build up an immune system at nursery, will learn to socialise and will also be exposed to new things not available at home.

prettywhiteguitar Sat 18-Jun-16 13:19:03

I think you need some time off to yourself and your dh needs to take the reigns. Your basically in charge 24/7 and that's incredibly draining. Most people have some help day to day from their husband unless they're armed forces or work away through the week.

Zippidydoodah Sun 21-Aug-16 19:56:05

Hi op, I realise this is a late reply but what did you decide re: nursery? I was going to say that it's a good idea for you to get some time (goodness knows, you need it!!) but if your husband is worried about nursery (they are hotbeds of germs, it's true!) then how about a lovely childminder? The childminder would give them experiences etc and would have other children to mix with, but fewer of them, so fewer germs etc. If you get a cm you both like and trust, then you can feel comfortable that your ds is in a home-from-home environment.

ForestFox Sun 21-Aug-16 22:37:34

My hubby works away for weeks at a time and I managed till lo was 11 months then had a tiny break down and put him in nursery one day a week we are both much happier and lo is flourishing. I feel like I'm happier and can be a better mummy for it. Go for it!

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