Feeling angry, sad and guilty(7 Posts)
Not sure if this is the right place to put this, but didn't want it to become a sahm/wohm debate, so here it is!
My husband was made redundant in the middle of last month, not unexpected or his fault, his industry is in a massive turndown, many many people have lost their jobs. He is receiving a good package, which should last us 6/7 months. I work p/t as a teacher and had hoped this year to have another baby and go down to one rather than two days per week, both of these things are obviously unlikely to happen now. Coincidentally, my work has now offered me 2 more days a week. Although we worked out that we could manage 6/7 months on his package, I didn't feel I could turn down the work as we don't know how long it will take DH to find work as things are really bad in our area just now. So now I am working 4 days a week and DH is, for the time being, at home f/t with the kids. As I'm teaching, I have do a lot of planning and prep in the evenings too.
We have 2DC, aged just 3 and nearly 2 - they are 15 months apart. When I was at work the children were cared for by their grandparents. The DC are great but obviously having two so close together has been hard work, the bulk of which has been done by me. DH has been wonderful and was always ready to roll up his sleeves and help, but it was helping - not organising, managing or planning. I did the breastfeeding, night wakings, potty training, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping. I ran the house and there was really very little responsibility that fell directly or solely to DH, although he did anything I asked him to. Of course, he earned a good salary so I thought the situation fair.
3yo DD is a handful. She is bright, funny and creative but also high maintenance and rather highly strung - DH has supported me with her behaviour but anything that we tried with her was researched and instigated by me. Fair enough, I was at home with her 5 days a week. She is now starting nursery for 3 hours every morning. I don't feel being in nursery prior to this would have been right for Dd, but the extra stimulation and widening social circle is exactly what she needs now. I think it will be great for our home life for her to be stretched by someone other than me. I was also looking forward to spending some time with DS, it has never been just him and me. Now I shall see him even less than ever before.
DH hated his previous job and losing his job is a massive weight off his shoulders. He could never have quit as we couldn't have afforded to lose his salary, so really losing his job like this has been the best scenario for him. I know I should be pleased he doesn't have to do a job he hates anymore, but instead I feel resentful. I feel like I earned this time, I was so looking forward to spending time with DS in the morning, it has never been just him and me. I was looking forward to seeing DD enjoy starting nursery and all that entails, now DH is doing it. It sounds so insignificant, but I wanted to walk her there and hear her news when I picked her up. I should be pleased DH gets to do it, but I just feel jealous, and then guilty I feel this way.
On top of all this, DH seems very unkeen to find a new job. He avoids discussing what he would like to do, or how he is getting on with his job search. He has applied for two jobs and is meeting an agency tomorrow. He will have to find something as even if I worked 5 days a week I couldn't pay all our bills. He has made jokey comments about how I should get used to providing for the family, how I should get a promotion (which would cover our bills) and how it is his turn to be at home with the kids. Also joking about how he is doing a better job of some elements of looking after the house. I know I am a having a total sense of humour failure here, but I just want to scream at him about how hard it was for looking after two under two and two in nappies and I have earned this time with my children. It was never the plan that I would work more than him, up until about 6 months ago I never thought this would happen.
Thank you so much if you managed to read all that. I don't really know why Im posting, I feel like such a brat - but i can't help how I'm feeling. I don't want to work four days, I want to be at home with my children.
Sweetheart you sound tired and a bit under the weather. Can you take some time out from everything and get away for a break with your DH to discuss these changes (huge changes) to your lives?
Can understand your frustration and I don't have anything useful to say really apart from asking you to remember that he never lost his job out of choice - if he had enjoyed his job it probably wouldn't bother you as much that he was getting to spend this time wth the kids. It is because you know that he hated his job and his redundancy was a relief that you probably feel more resentment.
Like the the other poster said - you need to speak to him about these bit lifestyle changes and also tell him how you are feeling so he takes the job hunting seriously. He needs to invest small but regular time time to job hunting - an hour a day or something.
Chances are he the novelty will wear off being at home and he will be rushing to find a job sooner rather than later!
You could try reverse psychology and get him to take all home responsibilities now such as the shoppin cooking cleaning and make it a complete role reversal so he appreciates that it isn't easy.
Thank you for your kind and gentle words. Reading my post back, I realise I come across as quite selfish. Another week in and things feel quite a bit better. I'm still certain I don't want to work four days long term unless it is completely necessary - I really miss the kids! However, things are going ok, I'm just balancing work and home and DH is trying so hard.
Above all, you are both right - he didn't do this deliberately.
No worries glad we could be of some help! All the best
I think that some of the comments he makes about doing a better job in some areas may be to save some pride in the situation (not that he needs to), so perhaps rather than reacting to it defensively (which is only natural), instead explain that you'd much rather he thought of you and he as a team, rather than rivals where domestic tasks are concerned.
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