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I am Onit, hear me ROAR. Thread 5!(395 Posts)
“I am not afraid of the storms for I am learning to sail my ship” Louisa May Alcott.
I was looking for something to call this thread and came across this quote.
It’s not entirely true; yet, but almost 3 years and 5 threads later, I actually almost believe I can do this.
But I still like the last thread title as it still feels fitting.
I’ll save the LMA quote for the next one.
Here’s a link to the last thread.
Hope you all find me, my amazing friends
Thanks @LarsErickssong and @Mygirlsareeverything
Latest communications have been about ds starting football training. Twice a week and obviously one of those falls within his contact. 15 minutes of it to be precise.
After lots of trying to make it more complicated than it needed to be, he’s decided to allow ds to forego contact so he can make training.
He was having a pity party about the “challenge” of maintaining midweek contact the last 4 years because of the distance he has to travel.
I let him know I understood it must be difficult but pointed out he’d created it. I held back from commenting that he should try to understand that from the dcs POV.
The sad fact is, he did this. He’s essentially given up contact with ds midweek. For the sake of 15minutes (training starts at 5.45, contact ends at 6) because he can’t make it back to his, feed them tea, then get to training.
He’d promised dd scuba lessons close to his but as she’s got no time to change after school (she has to go wearing her cossie as changing rooms are closed), she came home really disappointed last night.
He’s asked to drop midweeks in the holidays a month or so ago so I predict, after the summer, dd (or he) will stop dds midweek too.
His last message was a strange one.
He said he’d like to talk to me about things other than logistics. That we’d proved communicating by email had only ever done that. And that if I was prepared to speak face to face or over the phone, he’d be prepared to do that on my terms because “there’s so much we could talk about”.
I had about 5 minutes to digest that in my lunch break. I swear if anyone read that email in isolation they’d think he was downtrodden, resigned, broken even.
My instinct kicked in v quickly though and screamed “ulterior motive!!”.
Still not sure what that would be.
Trouble in paradise maybe. But I care not a jot.
Anyway gotta go. Friends coming round for garden get together. Not been all together for nearly a year. Happy days
Just come across your update and how super of you too update.
Followed your journey from the start and I continue to wish you well.
Keep posting and keep going
Onit I also missed the update but I'm so happy to hear you manage to block the ass hat out for the majority of the time!
You said it yourself but you have come such a long way since those first threads the difference just in the way you are writing on here is incredible and please try and remind yourself of that when you're having a bad day.
I know we've kept saying this from day one but it won't be long now before the kids start to see through his behaviour (particularly if he starts to kick up a fuss about them going) and realise just what you have done for them. Just think in the next 2 years or so they will be the ones doing most of the communicating with him and he will have less and less chances to be an ass hat with you!
Thank you @Candleabra. It’s lovely to hear from people who were here from the beginning so I can say thank you.
I wish there was a way to express my gratitude in a more tangible way.
WRT the asshat, he’s at least consistent. And, predictable. Nothing really shocks me now. I think he thinks my head still buttons up the back. Sometimes, usually when I’m at a low ebb, he gets to me. He doesn’t hurt me personally anymore but he must know he can occasionally get a reaction when he does something which affects my dc. I’ve worked really hard not to bite and it’s very rare that I let him see my emotions these days. Grey rock all the way.
Missed this update @onitlikeacarbonnet
Good to hear from you but sorry your ex is such a shit.
Karma's a great thing, but that's the long game. Not much use when money's a struggle right now.
I have followed your thread from the beginning and wanted to say how much I admire your strength and for always putting the kids first. You've been an absolute rock for them.
I’m so pleased for you @redastherose. I had the finances settled pretty quick and bound in our minute of agreement. Not that he’s stuck to it. Stopped paying for uniforms when he found out I’d made a claim for a clothing grant (which I only did when the school told me I might be eligible and meant I could buy a couple of school sweatshirts and decent winter coats which he refused to help with because they’d be worn outside school therefore not part of his obligation), and over time stopped every activity he’d committed to paying for. He ended up going to the CMS himself when I inquired if the dc might be due a bit more as he’d been paying the same for the last 3 years and, as a civil servant who’d recently been promoted. He told me he’d calculated he’d been overpaying by £100+ a month and would cut his payments accordingly. I think he thought he was calling my bluff when he applied to them but he ended up paying £20 a month more. Shame.
The fact he reneged on a legal document that he signed shouldn’t have been a shock really but since the divorce is also included in the same document, I’m not holding my breath he’ll follow through with the divorce anytime soon.
My Divorce came through last June and we'd been separated for more than 4 years by that time. The financial settlement was only agreed in February this year and I had to take it al the way to the court for him to finally settle. He'd been hiding finances then disputing values which was why it took so very long. I'm so glad I no longer have to have anything much to do with him. Like you I had anxiety attacks every time I got a message so the relief from having little contact has been amazing.
@redastherose congratulations on your divorce (if that’s the correct way to say it). How long ago did you split?
I’ve been told no sheriff will grant a divorce while contact is still in dispute so I presume my youngest will be a similar age to yours when it happens.
Karma is so slow in coming. I’m not sure I believe in it anymore. I’ve given up waiting for it as it only ever made me angry and/or upset and I try not to give him any emotional currency if I can help it.
@onitlikeacarbonnet lovely to hear your update. I've followed along through you thread over the years and I'm glad things are easing for you. As the DC get older it does get better. My youngest is now almost 17 and hardly has any interaction with EXH and the eldest went NC 4 years ago. Karma does get these dickheads eventually. Also, I finally managed to finalise my Divorce and the financial stuff in the last 9 months so it's all good baring a few practical transfers of ownership.
Hi @SunshineCake and anyone else who’s still around.
I had thought about updating a few times over the last few months. Mentally I’m still very up and down. I’m on my way up just now so feeling more able to do that.
I’ve had a few run ins with the asshat, the worst of which was his refusal to allow the dc home a couple of hours early on Mother’s Day. Payback for Boxing Day I think but all he did was hurt the dc. The bf helped rescue it for them by suggesting to DD that they could bring me breakfast in bed on the Friday before. They’d already ordered me a present after they came home from their dads the previous weekend and he’d not taken them or ordered something and they asked if they could do it at home. It didn’t matter that I paid for it myself because they picked something perfect and it was a lovely surprise on the Friday morning.
They spent the last few days at their dads for the east hols and came home last night. DS is already at his friends. He’s feeling more and more isolated when he goes to his dads. He’s 11 (12 before Christmas) and off to high school this year. He knows he’ll have more autonomy soon and I think the first time he says he’s not going on a Friday night, DD will have her say too. She’ll be 10 this summer and is much more forthright than DS (or me).
Single parenthood does sometimes feel like a hamster wheel and the relentlessness is exhausting but I’m trying hard to drop the guilt when I’m just not able to do more than keep us fed and clothed and recognise that it’s ok to use a couple of childfree days to binge Netflix. It also makes me much more able to tackle the other stuff when the mood or energy kicks in.
I’ve said it many times over the course of it all that I wouldn’t be where I am without the shared experience and advice on here. But it’s so true. When I read posts from others who are finding themselves at the bottom of the pit I was in, I want to try to make them see how they will survive and thrive, in time, the way so many told me when I was drowning in grief and pain. I hope to be able to find a way to do that. And by doing that, thank every single person who offered me that when I couldn’t see the way out.
Thank you thank you thank you
I was thinking of you today @onitlikeacarbonnet. How are you ?
Wishing you a very merry Christmas Onit
To you too onit.
Best wishes from family Maras.
Just wanted to say that I really hope you enjoy your Christmas Day @onitlikeacarbonnet
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Can you copy and paste, your messages from here, into your online calendar for the 1st December for next year.
I'm not surprised he's still a shit but so sad you are still being too reasonable with him.
fairy = family.... auto correct heaven !
Bravo, Well played Onit. You are certainly stronger than in the early days.
He is a champion at splitting hairs to get his way,
"Denying them a fairy Xmas ?"...... What about your family Xmas? Tosser
God I hate him
Which I can attest too because he gave me herpes.
He really is the gift that keeps on giving!!
My bookmark didn’t work trying to post an update and, while I was scrolling, I re-read a bit regarding last years discussions about Christmas.
I wish I’d looked at it in November which you’ll appreciate after I catch you up.
Too many ridiculous accusations to count including, but not restricted to, my using the dc as messengers, denying them a family Christmas, and refusing him parental access.
He retaliated with what I perceived as a threat.
Be advised that until arrangements are made for Boxing Day, nothing else is confirmed. Prior suggested dates (which he’d agreed to cover whilst I was working) can’t be finalised until this matter is also accounted for.
I called his bluff by asking him outright if he was refusing to provide childcare while I was working.
He replied saying he didn’t provide childcare.
I clarified that his previous Boxing Day contact was based on the fact I was working. And that, as I wasn’t contracted to work, and it was my weekend, I wasn’t denying him anything.
Then I asked again if he was reneging in his previous agreement to cover my shifts and, if so, could he reply ASAP so I could put my alternative childcare in place.
“However, you have left me in a position where you are saying that rather than allowing us our family Christmas, you would seek out childcare, resulting in them losing other holiday time here and increasing our covid risk. I just can't do that, so I therefore confirm that I will accept the holiday contact previously set out,”.
Successful bluff calling on my part but he’d also chucked another threat into the mix by saying if I couldn’t understand the basics of what “agreement” means, then “we will clearly need court assistance again.
Threat number 2.
I responded thanking him for reconfirming the childcare arrangements.
I said his comments had been noted but he’d said nothing that he hadn’t already said and that it didn’t change the fact that Christmas falls in my weekend as new year falls on his.
That was send on Sunday morning and I’ve had no reply as yet. I’ll bet money on it coming as soon as the dc are in bed at his tomorrow night when I won’t see them till Christmas Eve.
I’m so glad the bf was here. He’s excellent at discarding all the bullshit and he can help me remove the emotional content of my replies and stick to the facts.
Once I’d got past the threat to withdraw care on my working days, essentially threatening my job and mine and the dcs livelihood, he did say I wouldn’t have to worry about him threatening me next year. When I asked him why he said “because I’ll kill him before then”
I fucking love Christmas. Not.
Really nice to hear from you Onit. I have thought about you often during this year and wondered how you and the children were coping. I'm sorry your health hasn't been too good. Are you still seeing a therapist for your mental health? I see your ex is still being an entitled arse, no surprise there. I am guessing the children must be getting near the age when they can legally refuse to visit or stay overnight if they want to, although, of course, they may be afraid of hurting his feelings.
So glad you are off for 4 days over Christmas, I bet you can't wait.