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Having panic attacks over ex's 'new' GF.

(31 Posts)
Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 19:15:50

Tried to name change, couldn't remember my bloody password. Sorry this is long.

Ex ended things with me 8 months ago after almost 20 years together and three kids. We'd been having issues for months, with him being a dick over his phone (he was texting another woman, he's finally admitted it) and me searching for evidence of him cheating, confronting him and him essentially making me think I was going mad.

He finished things by telling me he didn't love me anymore. I did post at the time and got lots of great advice. Since then I've taken the kids and moved near to my parents. I won't lie and say it's great because it isn't. I'm just getting through each day on autopilot. I hate being a single parent, have struggled with parenting in general since having DD 12 years ago, and feel that I'm just muddling through.

Ex was here for the weekend to see the kids and as he was leaving yesterday asked for a a word. He told me he's kind of seeing someone. Has seen her a couple of times in the last two months. I asked questions and it's the suspected OW from before we split.

I'm devastated all over again. I'm back to square one, where I was 8 months ago. I can't let go and have stupidly been holding out hope that he was going to change his mind and want me again. I haven't eaten since yesterday lunchtime, have no appetite at all, barely slept at all last night and have had a couple of panic attacks today, struggling to breathe.

I feel like I want things to end. I contemplated getting on a train today and never coming back. That or something more drastic. I just feel completely shit and hollow inside.

I know I'm rambling - just looking for some words of advice to help me keep it together - again.

happytalk13 Mon 20-Jan-14 19:20:47

The only advice I have is this:

Be kind to yourself
Understand that his shitty behaviour is a reflection on him and not on you and keep telling yourself that you are better off without him (you will begin to believe it)
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other
It WILL get better
Have you got yourself a solicitor?

Please don't think about doing anything drastic - I know it looks like utter shit at the moment - but honestly, it will pass. I promise you. You will feel stronger. You will find your groove. You will prevail.

Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 19:25:48

I don't have a solicitor. We were never married. We're so friendly it's ridiculous. I hate that I feel I want him as a friend rather than nothing at all. I hate that I'm making myself look so foolish.

I thought I was feeling stronger, but it just took one little thing to knock me right back again. I'm sick of crying and being alone with no one to talk to. Then having to smile and be normal for the kids. I hate the whole childish unfairness of it all.

My life is a complete waste of time. I am 40, unemployed, on benefits, fat and ugly and have no friends.

It's shit. I hate it.

scornedwoman67 Mon 20-Jan-14 19:34:40

Hi Whisk,

I was in your position - my ex-H had an affair, eventually left after putting me through all sorts of torment & is now with the OW. And thoroughly miserable. I understand that you are probably thinking that by keeping it friendly, he might wonder what he is missing & come back. But if he is with the OW, he won't I'm afraid to say.
You need to ask him to take the kids away from your house when he sees them, so you don't have to deal with him. Your life is not a waste of time - you are a mother to your adoring children. He has behaved appallingly. Life is shit & unfair, but you will get over it eventually and see him for the deceitful git he really is. When you are tempted to be nice to him, remember what he has done to you & how he is making you feel. Sort out access, tell him you're not interested in hearing about the OW. If you are struggling to cope, go & see the doctor. When he has the kids, make arrangements to go and see friends, try & keep yourself busy. I won't lie, it takes time. But eventually you will get over him & see him for what he is. Good luck.

Joy5 Mon 20-Jan-14 19:37:09

Didn't want to read and not post anything.

All i can say is i've been in a similar situation for just over two years, its still a struggle being a single parent to 2 teenagers, seems my ex has it all, his large salary, a new family and partner, a new car, just seeing our younger sons for a few hours a week at most.

But i wouldn't change it, my eldest son died five years ago suddenly, my 2 younger sons both have problems resulting from it, as well as their Dad walking out. No matter what problems we have, i'm a Mum no matter what.

All i can say, separation (doesn't matter whether you were married or not after such a long relationship) is so similar to bereavement with its ups and downs. You've not been knocked right back again, its just your bad times are getting further apart so when they happen, it feels even worse, but when more time has gone on, you'll realise the pattern and know you'll get down again, but when you get back up you'll be stronger and it will be longer before you get so down again. Hope i've explained that enough.

I remember the panic attacks, had one a few weeks ago but i concentrate on getting through each day one part at at time, then when i've done that, get through the next part of the day.

Don't be so hard on yourself either, you're the one doing your best for your kids, its your ex whose in the wrong and will have to live with that.

Sending hugs too.

Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 19:41:57

I am pathetic, aren't I? Waiting on him to realise what he's missing? He's not actually 'with her' as such. She lives a distance away - he met her when he was working out of town, he said that they barely see each other. I get the feeling she's keener than him now, maybe she's pushing for commitment or something?

God, I sound pathetic, still making excuses for him and hoping he'll see sense.

akawisey Mon 20-Jan-14 19:50:29

ok, you've done the hoping he'd see what an idiot he's been. Now it's time for YOU to see what an idiot he's been and find your anger. You have that right you know, to be angry.

He isn't your friend Whisk. He's your ex partner and any friendship you shared is gone and I'm so sorry. He isn't worth you leaving your DC's for. They need you. You need them. Don't run from the pain because believe me it'll follow you and you'll feel worse for running. If your DC's are old enough I'd go NC immediately except for the essential sorting of finances and so on. It will help you, I promise.

Like other posters have already said - it DOES get easier but it takes time and the biggest, most generous favour you can do yourself right now is understand that this is HIS failing and not yours. Let him go to whoever. Don't wait for the karma bus to come and run him over, you don't know what the future holds.

Been there. I was a mess. But if I can do it, so can you.

Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 19:56:02

I've done the anger. I'm back at upset again now. I feel awful inside myself, like there's a hole there. I can't explain it. I just want it to end.

akawisey Mon 20-Jan-14 20:01:05

The anger, like all the other emotions will come and go. When it's there use it to start planning your immediate future - nothing too big but start with stuff you can deal with now.

I know what you're saying. That sense of loss feels unbearably cruel and relentless.

Minime85 Mon 20-Jan-14 20:01:41

hope you are feeling a little better. some great advice on here. remember the Samaritans are there to listen if u need it. I'm only a few months in but finding the whole boundaries thing a muddle but I think its important to set them for contact with dcs and your contact with ex. try and be business like if u can. do hope you are feeling better

Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 20:07:24

I don't know what to deal with now. I'm struggling to keep it contained for the children, but they know something's not right - again.

akawisey Mon 20-Jan-14 20:12:20

Start really small - eat something every day even if it's only soup.

Are your kids aware that their dad has met someone?

Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 20:13:33

They have no idea. I told him there's no fucking way she's meeting my kids. I know I have no control, but he agreed and said he didn't want that anyway.

I wouldn't tell the kids unless it became a proper relationship.

Viviennemary Mon 20-Jan-14 20:21:53

You absolutely don't sound pathetic. And have every right to feel hurt, furious and any other emotion. He has hurt you really badly. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here. He is the one in the wrong not you. Hope things get a bit better soon.

tallwivglasses Mon 20-Jan-14 20:22:21

OP, this the man who was quite happy to let you think you were going insane when you got suspicious. How far would have let that go - to the point where you were taking medication? What knock-on effect would that have had on your dc? He's a cheap con-artist. You may not be angry but I'm furious on your behalf.

akawisey Mon 20-Jan-14 20:23:59

Actually I think you're being hard on yourself. 8 months is no time to feel like you're doing more than one foot in front of the other - it was a LONG relationship and one which he bailed out of in the most dishonest way.

Even worse, he's been biding his time to tell you IMO. What a shit. Have you told anyone in RL? Your parents? Are they supporting you now?

Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 20:26:07

I haven't told anyone in real life about the latest developements. My Dad gets told nothing because he's easily upset (despite him trampling all over other peoples feelings all the time) and I don't want to burden my Mum with it. Moved over the summer so no friends to talk to.

akawisey Mon 20-Jan-14 20:35:55

Where did you get the idea that confiding in your mum makes you a burden? You're not a burden, you've had a shock and you need support, to be able to talk and cry and have people watching your back.

Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 20:38:29

I have an excellent relationship with my Mum, we're very close, but she's lived away for 10 years and now I'm slowly getting used to leaning on her again. I soldiered on alone for so long, I'm not used to opening up to people I know, let alone crying to them.

perfectstorm Mon 20-Jan-14 20:44:55

You deserve the support, and the people who love you will very much prefer they get the chance to help and be there for you than watch you try to struggle on alone.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's horrible and you're going to feel like crap before you reach the other side. But you will. It'll just take some time. Hang on in there. And I hope his dick falls off.


Whiskwarrior Mon 20-Jan-14 20:47:19

I hope his dick falls off while it's in her and they're both traumatised for life!

wishingyouwell Mon 20-Jan-14 20:54:43

So sorry to hear you are feeling so low OP. You are a whole individual and always were you just need to find what it is that makes you happy. We are multii dimensional creatures and sometimes just need to be more creative with how and where we find serenity.
I hope you find serenity soon whiskwarrior you owe it to yourself and your children. What OW and your partner did is extremely difficult to deal with but it will get better for you and always remember that what we put out in the world comes back at us or what goes around comes around. You may not see or hear of it today or tomorrow but in time. Wishing you well OP

Chocberry Mon 20-Jan-14 21:56:35

I completely understand how you feel op.
My ex told me he is moving new gf in soon. We have been apart 8 months. I thought I was doing really well but it really set me back and I felt how I felt when we first broke up. Well it's now been a month since he told me and already I'm feeling a little better. But I remember the overwhelming anxiety and disbelief that he is with someone else.
It felt so surreal. We were together a long time with dc.

Letting him stay for the weekend is only going to hinder your recovery I'm afraid. It's best to keep contact to the bare minimum.
I'm friendly with my ex (only for dcs benefit) but when I've spoken with him on phone or face to face it makes me feel so much worse. So now I choose to only text rather than speak and it has helped me.

It's still very early days for you, unfortunately you have to ride this out and eventually the waves will calm and you will find peace and happiness again.

MaryShelley Mon 20-Jan-14 21:59:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 22:50:41

8 months is no time at all, but it's especially no time when you've been on hold rather than moving forwards because you've still had a hope he'll change his mind.

Well listen up sister! Doesn't matter if he changes his mind, because YOU DON'T WANT HIM!

Feel your anger, and realise that you don't want him back anyway. What a cowardly shit he is, cheating on you, putting you through the anguish of suspicion.

Yes you'll be hurt and yes you'll be angry - but you'll get through this faster once you realise you don't actually want him any more. Recognise that what you're feeling us a natural need for him to want you. It helps restore your shattered self esteem. But wanting him to want you, isn't the same as truly wanting him.

It's a cliché but you can do better. And will. Fuck him, and horse he rode in on.

Have a big sob with your mum, then be thankful you don't have him as a millstone round your neck any more. He's done you a favour, showing his lily livered true colours!

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