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I fyou felt as a child that you had zero emotional support from your parent(s) etc

(411 Posts)
SoleSource Sun 19-Jan-14 16:47:24

How has this affected how you deal with your emotions as an adult?

Do you find emotions hard to deal with?

Are you afraid of asking for help or just being yourself or not know how to word your feelings from being afraid of being vulnerable and attacked?

As I do I had zero emotional support as a child and was emotionally abused and verbally attacked constantly by my Father. I have been NC for nine years now.

I'm single and have had a course of therapy but feel I have been hurt far too much and am scared of letting others 'in'.

RandomMess Sun 19-Jan-14 16:50:08

Do you find emotions hard to deal with? YES

Are you afraid of asking for help YES

or just being yourself YES

or not know how to word your feelings from being afraid of being vulnerable and attacked? YES

SoleSource Sun 19-Jan-14 16:51:16

Bad isn't it Random. The fucking damage they do... On purpose too my therapist said. Evil.

Madlizzy Sun 19-Jan-14 16:51:39

It's made me more independent and self sufficient, I suppose. I'm not an emotional person really and will find it difficult to articulate how I feel sometimes. I've learned to ask for help when I need it though.

RandomMess Sun 19-Jan-14 16:55:04

I have some how shut down my emotions until situations have made them fever pitch and I've then imploded.

I become so independent and self sufficient I have not been able to learn how to ask for help yet. So in other ways I am incredibly vulnerable.

I am currently in an emotionally void/avoidant marriage and it's slowly killing me...

SoleSource Sun 19-Jan-14 16:56:36

Yes more independent and self sufficient here too. But would be nice to have emotional support too. I have asked for help wrt my disabled DS. ~I'm proud of myself for that.

SoleSource Sun 19-Jan-14 16:58:04

Oh Random sad

Talk about it here if you want to x

Can you not leave? sad How sad I feel for you x

desperatelyseekingsolace Sun 19-Jan-14 17:00:40

I had zero emotional support from my parents. They weren't abusive, just didn't want to involve themselves in my emotional life, in a very embarrassed, English way. For example my DM never talked to me about periods or gave me the sex talk and when my first proper boyfriend dumped me (age about 18), it was just not mentioned.

It has left me with lifelong problems: I basically don't consider my emotional needs to be important. I also feel the most intense, overwhelming sense of shame when discussing personal issues with family and most friends.

It's very damaging. My mum, bless her, was very repressed and it wasn't really her fault but for my sake I wish she had sorted herself out with therapy when she had a chance.

WeGotTheKrunk Sun 19-Jan-14 17:02:14

Hi SoleSource, I don't know how much help I can be but didn't want to read without replying!

You don't say in your OP your age, or what stage of life you're at - do you work, are you at university?

My parents were not very emotionally demonstrative, and my mother in particular was a bit unpredictable in how she responded to things (now I look back I can see that she relied too much on us children for emotional support rather than my dad, and that she'd sometimes fly into rages at the tiniest things)

All very difficult to process because it wasn't until recently, when I saw friends having small children, that I realised there was anything unusual about my mum's parenting skills (or lack thereof).

Since then I've started to realise that I've been a bit of a doormat in some of my personal relationships, perhaps because of all the years I spent appeasing my mother, and I'm still working through how I can stay assertive without being offensive, and keeping boundaries about things that matter to me.

I'd had therapy before I realised all this about my mum - but I'd thought at the time that she was just a 'powerful woman' (as I told my therapist) it wasn't until afterwards, seeing my friends with their children, that I realised that my mother was actually quite overbearing and intrusive.

Luckily my partner has helped me a lot, observing how his family operate has really helped, and I've got some great friends who have helped me learn things about what's socially acceptable and things - watching others has really helped me a lot.

Sometimes I struggle to know whether I'm standing up to myself enough - or too much - I fear sometimes that I'm crossing the line over into being controlling, like my mother often was, and I never know whether when I'm being accommodating whether I'm letting people take advantage of me IYSWIM?

In my experience, it helps so much though when you can see what you've been through and how it has affected the development of your personality. Good luck op - it's not easy biscuit

lemonmuffin Sun 19-Jan-14 17:03:28

its affected me a lot.

my parents are lovely people but very old fashioned and had no idea how to deal with emotional stuff.

it did a lot of harm.

RandomMess Sun 19-Jan-14 17:03:35

I think I may leave.

We used to be close but he pushed me away to his own issues a number of years ago. Our relationship is dead, I have mourned in much pain alone for it's loss. I have been asking for the last 2 years for him to do something about his issues as I deal with mine.

He has done nothing, so I guess I really may need to go.

Difficult one, I still care for him a great deal but we have nothing in common, he refuses to be there for me, he refuses to let me in so what's the point confused. I can't stand the thought that this is for the next x years of my life sad

BrennanHasAMangina Sun 19-Jan-14 17:08:51

desperately are you me? I was just going to write the same regarding my mother. She hasn't changed much over the years and certain topics are still off-limits. Fortunately, I recognized this sometime ago and have resolved to err on the side of overshare with my own DC...I'll let you know how that goes wink.

SoleSource Sun 19-Jan-14 17:08:52

I think you will leave when you are ready Random. You're better and worth so much more than to stay much longer. You have us too xxx

thedogwakesuptoodamnearly Sun 19-Jan-14 17:10:14

Hi SoleSource - yes to all. The worst thing is that I have no idea what I want or what makes me happy.

HereIsMee Sun 19-Jan-14 17:11:21

I think I've passed that hurdle through therapy and doing things to gain independence. But still come up against all sorts of prejudice and difficulties because when people realise that you have been at a vulnerable point they can try to impose unwanted help. I went NC a few years ago only to find that someone (I don't know who still) had been accessing my house without my consent. My ex and and social circle I'm guessing my family too seemed to collude to be present in my life. My mail was redirected too and I only recieved some of the letters. I started self employment and they kept trying to interrupt all the things I needed to do. I needed privacy to start up, it's strange how no one ever considers a family to be toxic.

Help is great when you know it's good for you. The trick I always try is imagine what you would do if you are trying to help some one else. See yourself as a concerned friend and imagine what you'd do for that friend and do it.

That has worked for me up to a point but at the moment because of being more or less bullied by a group of people. It has not been difficult knowing what I want. Just difficult asking for specific help instead of having it forced on me so I could fit in with dysfunctional people.

SoleSource Sun 19-Jan-14 17:11:29

I'm a lone parent/Carer of a severely disabled fifteen year old Son. Currently not working/studying.

I'm shit scared of being hurt again by close friend or lover, I stay alone.

I also sabotage relationships as that is what I'm used to, them going bad.

RandomMess Sun 19-Jan-14 17:11:57

See it has taken me nearly 4 years of heart break to be able to even share it on here. Madness or what.

I thought I was going insane, he withdrew and when I asked what was wrong kept denying it. My emotional intelligence is so crap I really didn't understand what was going on at all.

Of course his refusal to address it just feeds into my sense of "no-one loves me for who I am" so I continue to keep my feelings to myself where they can't be criticised.

RandomMess Sun 19-Jan-14 17:14:11

The worst thing is that I have no idea what I want or what makes me happy. YES YES YES in spades, it helps keep me stuck here because I have no idea what I enjoy and no-one to encourage me to do new things.

I am neither single nor "married" stuck in limbo.

WeGotTheKrunk Sun 19-Jan-14 17:18:14

Glad you managed to ask for help with your son - hope you manage to get respite or some help coming in, even if just for a few hours.

I guess the question now is, what do you want to do next? Enjoy having a few extra hours for yourself? Meet new people? Can you ever see a point where you have a group of friends / a single friendship that is fulfilling & enjoyable?

SoleSource Sun 19-Jan-14 17:19:15

Maybe because we as children were subjected to emotional neglect and that felt so raw and upsetting as adults we are able to endure more of the same. Other healthier people might cut off that treatment much earlier than we are able to do so as they recognise bad treatment to be just that and do not accept it.

We waste a lot of time waiting and hiding our true feelings because we were not given an outlet as children and this sets us up in adulthood for more of the same..

LOL at people saying I have no idea what I want or what makes me happy

So many of us

Se the pattern?

I am the same......maybe we also have been conditioned to believe we do not deserve to know what can make us happy, what we WANT and pursue it...

MatildaWhispers Sun 19-Jan-14 17:26:36

I am similar. I also find it very hard to talk about my feelings face to facewith someone else. When I was in an abusive relationship I couldn't recognise and 'feel' how bad it was because I had become so used to denying myself negative feelings. My parents were great in lots of ways, but they never talked about negative feelings, bad stuff was always swept under the carpet.

RandomMess Sun 19-Jan-14 17:27:29

A mate said go the art galleries and museums but tbh I just don't know how to take pleasure in things I think.

I put on my happy cheerful face for work, try and be helpful and light but inside everyting is just grey. I like people, I'm a people person but that doesn't fit with everything else IYSWIM. Mixing with people means lots of potential rejection - real or perceived.

SoleSource Sun 19-Jan-14 17:29:36

Oh yes Random I do feel what you mean

So what can we do to change this state we are in?

RandomMess Sun 19-Jan-14 17:31:24

No idea!!!

How to level my responsibilities as a mother and those I have to myself to learn how to be joyful (content) and learn to live so they have a positive example in their life.

I'm back in therapy at the moment <<sigh>>

desperatelyseekingsolace Sun 19-Jan-14 17:32:03

Brennan ditto. I am very different with my dd. There are probably dangers in going too far in the other direction too which I try to keep in mind. But above all I want her to feel she can come to me with her emotional issues.

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