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Sickening photo's

(165 Posts)
Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 17:15:07

Regular user but DP knows my usual name.

Quick back story:

Been together for 2 years, he's the one.

I have ongoing massive issues with his ex, they had separated along time before we got together and have a ds aged 7 together, she's a very difficult person and I dislike her so much for so many reasons.

He had told me they had been to fetish/swingers clubs together and had participated in threesomes at their house.

I'm very open minded but find it all a little bit seedy, but its his past so I try not to dwell on it too much.

Was clearing our shed out today and found a very well hidden photo memory card, intrigued I put it in my phone and found literally hundred's of photo's of them in various sexual positions with various different people and I feel physically sick and don't know what to say/do?

All advice great fully received!

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 17-Jan-14 17:17:11

Eject it and bin it?

You knew they did it so it is any surprise that they had it documented for future reference?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 17-Jan-14 17:20:00

If it was very well hidden that suggests he dusts it off and has a look from time to time. hmm I think the conversation you want starts with showing him the card and the words ... 'is there something you want to tell me?'

CHERRYBL0SS0M Fri 17-Jan-14 17:24:00

If it was very well hidden could it have just been forgotten about?
Talk to him about it, but it was before you 2 were together

Jan45 Fri 17-Jan-14 17:25:29

Eugh, I'd like to think I'm open minded too but this is just way tooooo far, in fact I don't think I could be with a man that was into that but each to their own.

He's put you in a horrible situation but as he has told you his past, it's not as though you can appear to have a problem with it, he could be a bit more discreet when it comes to hiding stuff.

BillyBanter Fri 17-Jan-14 17:30:39

I suppose it's like keeping photos of holidays you all went on in a big group where you had a fabulous time so want to keep photos of as mementos (and wank material), even though your ex is in them than keeping photos of just her.

Also he may not hate her as much as you do and cherish the good times they did have even if things turned sour.

I'm not sure how much thinking the above would help me in your shoes, tbf. I have no idea what I would feel.

MrsWOLF1 Fri 17-Jan-14 17:35:30

Are you sure that the swinger/fetish lifestyle is firmly in his past ? Has he ever asked you to participate ? I would seriously be considering my position in the relationship

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 17:37:31

I'm ashamed to say that in this situation I would either throw it away or wipe it and return it to where I found it. Neither seem a very mature or respectful way of dealing with my feelings sad

Is the house (and hence the shed) the one they lived in when together? I'm wondering how likely it is that he's not looked at it for years.

hotblacktea Fri 17-Jan-14 17:44:59

I am sorry this is happening to you.
What exactly is bothering you the most, the fact that he kept pics (or hidden them), that he may still be attracted to her sexually ? Or the fact that this former lifestyle goes beyond what you imagined or are prepared to accept ?
I guess what I am trying to understand is where are the current boundaries in your relationship, in relation to his past. Have you discussed it properly, agreed on how things should be from now on ? (eg: has he agreed to get rid of all traces of this past ? have you discussed why he was in threesomes, swinger lifestyle etc and what is acceptable and not for you ?).

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 18:06:25

Many thanks guys, you have put things into perspective.

We worked together for a long time before we started in this relationship so I had heard a couple of things about his past, maybe this is why he felt obliged to tell me?

The house is one which I moved into last year and He has since moved in, the memory card thing was in a bag containing various bits from when he sold his car several months ago, stuff from his glove box-old CD's etc.

Why oh why did I look??

Its made me feel so sick, its clearly from a long time ago, can tell from hair style and tattoos!

He told me about it when we first met and was honest and open saying "everyone has history".

He's never asked me to do anything like that, we have spoken about it and he says he has too much respect for me and knows its not my thing anyway!

His ex is so slim and I feel pathetic saying this but I now feel enormous and very body conscious!

What do I do, I feel so upset even though I knew about it all happening!

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 18:15:40

I'm not worried that they still have history, I have seen texts from her and they all relate to child contact, been in the car when he's collected his ds.
She's a very difficult person and causes us lots of problems, just the mention of her name causes an argument between us.

I find it very difficult to understand why he was with her I suppose, she's rough looking and illiterate whilst he's always well groomed and well educated. It was a strange relationship by the sounds of it.

I absolutely adore him, he treats me so so well, I have 2 dc from my first marriage and they do not see their dad because of domestic abuse (social services were heavily involved). My dp has supported me throughout all of it.

He's amazing with my dc, we waited nearly a year until I introduced them, he's better than their own dad ever was, I trust him completely with them.

We have a brilliant life together, lots of lovely holidays etc.

I can't accept his past though!

Tryingteacher Fri 17-Jan-14 18:17:26

And what if your DS had found it. If not now then when he was older? Would your DH have moved it by then?

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 18:19:45

What exactly do you feel so upset about? Is the sexual acts in the photos? How attractive she looked compared with you? Confusion over why he was ever with her?

We all know our partners had sexual partners before us, but I'd hate to be confronted with graphic evidence of it.

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 18:20:55

I'm really not convinced that going down the "child protection" route is the best idea. Give it 10 more replies and it'll be "LTB" and "Phone the police".

FluffyJumper Fri 17-Jan-14 18:23:05

I don't think he's done anything wrong. I think you should just put it back and say nothing.

If you thought his ex was less attractive than you would you mind so much?

scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 18:28:49

If you can't accept his past or preferences you really don't have a solid relationship
If you're genuinely unable to accept his proclivities and past you'll end up preoccupied
The card was kept and hidden because he still looks,but conceals it from you

Branleuse Fri 17-Jan-14 18:29:13

I think you should destroy it. You've looked at photos of her that she never intended you to see.
You can't unsee what you've seen. Now you've done it, you need to try and process what you've seen. Tell him

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 18:29:47

Its not a child protection issue guys, I work in child protection!

There's no way my dc would have found it, there's so much crap in our shed, hence why I decided to have a clear out.

He's not done anything wrong, the photo's are all clearly adults.

Not sure why I feel so devastated! The photos are very very graphic, kind of thing you would expect in a porno mag.

I'm just in such a state, theres videos too, but haven't clicked on them.

If she was attractive I think I would be ok, she's so vile, I have huge issues about her.

scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 18:31:38

It's not her property to destroy,that's not solution he still has the interest.he still looks

Only1scoop Fri 17-Jan-14 18:32:17

Sounds as if it was in a bag of bits and bobs out of his car? Op are you upset because he still has it, or the content? You knew of his past but confronting it is a different issue I guess. Not making excuses but they sound like old pics on a mem card he may had forgotten he had hidden.

scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 18:32:55

Consensual adults,in consensual act is most def not child protection
Some of you haven't a clue honestly

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 18:33:03

Scottish mummy, his ex is the only thing we ever argue about??
We get on so well, apart from when it comes to her.

I have always said she will be the only thing that breaks us up, I can't even bear him mentioning her name.

Never thought I would be posting about something like this....

Only1scoop Fri 17-Jan-14 18:33:46

Child protection....why would it be

Only1scoop Fri 17-Jan-14 18:35:08

Whatever you do....don't click on those vids....

something2say Fri 17-Jan-14 18:35:14

I'd get some photos out of you and your exes. What a good time you appear to be having, and my how hot you both are.....!!

But yes it ended and you can remember all about that can't you? And can't really relate to how happy you looked, hmmm.....

I've had hotter sex with other men than I do with my partner at the moment. Also had shitter sex. But those relationships had their time and have gone.

Try and leave his ex to him. She's his problem and his history. Really strongly work on building something solid and happy with him. And work on yourself. Do you need to tone up?

My partner works in the music industry and all of the women are seriously hot, successful, beautiful etc. I used to feel intimidated by them except that I am pretty hot myself and turn my share of heads. I took leaves out of the women's books and tightened up my look, my diet and my clothes for the better. I also have started a serious professional endeavor of my own. Man or no man, women deserve lives of their own and happiness of their own.

Forget the photos. Put them back and say nothing. Dwell on your own past. His is the same. It mustn't have been that great or they wouldn't have split.

And trust me on this. Every woman, and I mean every single one including you, has her own way of being special and sexy. No one else will ever be able to be like you. Including her. And we will never be able to be like other people. Wise up. You are cool. Large glass of wine etc. and something that make you feel good x you deserve it.

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