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Discovered husband's affair just before Xmas, my life is ruined

(117 Posts)
QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 12:47:02

After various suspicious incidents, all of which he denied, I found all the messages on his phone. Turned out he has been shagging a young colleague for months. I feel so bloody stupid. Have 2 DC of primary age who love their dad and don't understand why I'm angry. He says he knew it was wrong but it felt great.
I feel like I'm staring at the wreckage of the life I thought I had. Have been sobbing and not eating.

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 12:48:18


DrNick Thu 02-Jan-14 12:48:51

How are things financially - Could you just up sticks and go?

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 12:49:09

LTB was not for the affair it was for "it felt great"

RhondaJean Thu 02-Jan-14 12:50:16

Your life isn't ruined. I promise.

It's taking a turn you didn't expect but you will get through.

CarryOnDancing Thu 02-Jan-14 12:51:24

My goodness, how horrendous! There will be some people along with good practical advise soon but just wanted to come a hand hold until they arrive.

I'm so sorry you are faced with this. It's not surprising you are hurt and angry. Is he still in the family home?

I'm shocked to hear he said it felt great. Wth is that about!?!

You just need to do whatever is best for you and your DC right now, you can't factor him in anything.

I assume this is the end? Have you got savings or can you access joint savings in case things turn sour quickly?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 12:51:26

I'm sorry you've had such a nasty shock and agree that 'it felt great' must have added insult to injury. I do hope you've told him to go.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 12:52:04

Financially I'm dependent on him. I work part time. I have a solicitor's appointment next week to see what I'd be entitled to.
I feel like a total fool for not realising sooner.
He blames me for being too focused on the kids.

PeterParkerSays Thu 02-Jan-14 12:53:04

"He says he knew it was wrong but it felt great." God for him, he gets to do it all the time now doesn't he? hmm

Please start eating again - you'll need the energy to care for your children. Tell them that you're angry because daddy no longer wants to be with you as a family, but lied to you about that.

You don't have a wreckage of a life - you have you and your children, consider him to be damaged goods that you're chucking overboard.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Thu 02-Jan-14 12:54:03

sure he does the cunt - he sticks his cock in another person and its your fault?

get access to bank accounts and start getting your hands on what you an would be my advice

do you own or rent?

NewJerseyHousewife Thu 02-Jan-14 12:54:04

And he blames you as well.

Good for you organising the solicitor appointment.

What does he earn? How long is the marriage? How much mortgage left on the marital home?

mammadiggingdeep Thu 02-Jan-14 12:54:50

Have you told anyone in rl? It helps.

In my experience And from what others on here say, it helps to ask them to leave (if only for a while).

You can clear your head and wait til you feel a little more settled before making any decisions.

Whatever happens don't try to brush it under the carpet- he needs to feel the consequences. By his hurtful comment 'it felt great' he doesn't get how devastating this is for you.


CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Thu 02-Jan-14 12:55:21

im of the view that if either person fucks another person, they aren't screwing over their partner, they are devastating their children

perhaps he should have been MORE focused on his children instead of his dick

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 12:56:01

How awful... He blames you for being too focused on the kids!!! How awful of him on top of the "it felt great" and the affair...

I'm sure it isn't much comfort to be allocating blame just now but you know it is him entirely to blame for being too focused on his own feelings?

I'm glad you have an appointment for practical advice. Do you have emotional support?

mammadiggingdeep Thu 02-Jan-14 12:56:35

Ok- good, you're taking action to ltb.

Him blaming you for being too focused on the kids makes him a total cock.

Do try to eat little and often- it helps

oldgrandmama Thu 02-Jan-14 12:57:18

What a nasty arse. Listen, dear OP, I've been there ... unfortunately, I stuck out the marriage, due to his wailing and pleading, and it did NO favours to my mental and physical health. He carried on screwing around and held it over me that if I left, he'd make sure I got no financial support for our two young kids (the nasty pig). This was back in the 1970s. Times have changed, thank god.

Good that you're seeing the solicitor. And as for the arse blaming you on being 'too focused on the kids' ... words fail me. He's a pathetic dick and frankly, I reckon you'll be well rid.

throckenholt Thu 02-Jan-14 12:59:26

He blames me for being too focused on the kids.

His problem - not yours. Trying to blame your for his idiocy.

Your life isn't ruined.

You life is going to be different from what you had envisaged - but it doesn't have to be ruined. I am presuming you don't want him to stay with you ?

Tell him - he screwed up big time - and for the sake of the kids he needs to keep what is in the future as amicable as possible. But for yourself - you don't need to have any consideration for him - he has demonstrated he doesn't have any for you - so make the best you can of it for you and the children.

Be kind to yourself - it is going to be tough going for a while, whatever you decide to do.

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 13:01:29

He said he'd been unhappy in our marriage for ages but this other woman made him happy. Now he says he wants 50:50 custody of the kids. This from a man who made no time for them but had plenty of time to conduct an affair including fake business trips and fake nights out with the lads and fake "going out jogging". I'm such an idiot, but it was all so plausible.

Buzzardbird Thu 02-Jan-14 13:03:41

Try the 'Entitledto' website OP, it will give you a head start on what help you will be able to receive and then you can use your valuable time with the solicitor to sort the other stuff how much each of his 'great' shags is going to cost him.

You need to realise that he did this to your marriage, not you. As a parent your job is to put your DC's first, you managed it, he didn't.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 02-Jan-14 13:04:48

So sorry sad

How dare this selfish arse blame you for his entitled and weak actions - I bet he didn't put much energy into you or the marriage. Its always the one who invest the least in the marriage who has the affair.

The affair is just an ego boost - hence his "it felt great" comment. I still don't get why these men put their ego before family and marriage.

Please get RL support - you will need it during the coming months whatever happens.

Offred Thu 02-Jan-14 13:05:56

He won't get 50:50. There is a presumption against that, although it is becoming more common due to the influence of American family law. What is usual is the court would look at what is in the interests of and the welfare of the children.

If you are currently working part-time around primary school hours it is likely you will get the main care (and the house) and he will get access.

Buzzardbird Thu 02-Jan-14 13:06:29

50:50 sounds great, then maybe you will have time to go out and get some 'great' sex too? hmm He will of course have far less time for it and his bit of fluff won't exactly be so excited about sharing him. Ha Ha!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-Jan-14 13:07:32

He may be a truly lousy husband and a liar etc but he can still be a good (but separate) father. 50:50 parenting is pretty normal and workable and, even though it feels unfair from where you're standing, the DCs can still have a good relationship with him in the future.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 02-Jan-14 13:08:12

As for the 50;50 child access - you will need time and space to rebuild your own life and the DC deserve a relationship with their father. Remember 50:50 means half the school holidays as well as half the working week and often men give up on the idea when they realise this.

picnicbasketcase Thu 02-Jan-14 13:08:52

It's your fault for being a good mum and it felt great??


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