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I think my husband has left me.

(394 Posts)
Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 00:44:26

But I don't actually officially know. How pathetic does that sound?

I've nc for this and I don't know why, possibly because it makes it a little bit less real, less connected to me.

I have no one I'm able to talk to about this now and anyway sometimes you just need MN advice don't you? All the way up to starting the thread I just wanted you lot to tell me what to do, now I don't know what to write. Because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

A couple of things have made sense in retrospect but at the time (and we're talking this week, not months or years) I just thought it was work and christmas/family stress. He's been quiet a bit, not had a great appetite and not slept well, been perfectly polite but exactly that, polite, distant although not cold while I tried really hard to get talking - and I have wracked my brains trying to see what else I missed but I'm coming up with nothing.
He's been at his mother's a lot over Christmas for various reasons (and yes I know he was there, he's got no other indicators pointing to affairsville really, although nothing could surprise me anymore) only dropping into the house to get ready to go to work and lunch. I was worried and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't. Friday he said he needed to clear his head and went for a drive, he was reasonable but not normal when he got back. I asked if he would take a break or at least go to the doctor, I thought his problems were down to exhaustion and told him I was really worried he was heading for bigger issues.
Yesterday he's at work all night, he gets home today and tells me he's got to go and see his mother but he's seeing a Dr in the evening - his friend, actually a Dr but a friend none the less, for a 'chat'- I backed off, just said if he wouldn't talk to me please talk to his mum, she loves him yadda yadda, I'm glad he's talking to his friend and I hope it will be helpful.
Hear nothing, text for news, he'll let me know.
Get a text ' x has said go back to mum's, chill out there away from work area and see how things are in the morning. Sorry.'
I was sceptical of the exact advice being reported but thought fuck it, if he has a break we can sort things out when he's got his head back.

So it should have ended there. This is the pathetic part, we share a computer, I went to log in to facebook and his sign in details were in the box, I always forget to check, looked back across and it said password incorrect. Thought balls I only changed it last week, saw it was his and the auto fill had put the usual one in - his password was changed at 9.15 this morning. Was a bit eh? but logged in to mine to see I have been unfriended. Now I don't set much store by fb but this is so random. He never uses the fucking thing, why go to the bother of that mid breakdown (which I had attributed this to initially)? If it was a friend I wouldn't think anything of it but unfriending your wife (not deactivating the account) when you don't use it seems a random point to make. I checked email accounts - we have our own but often share for stuff- all the passwords have been changed. Today.
I spent the day trying to work out all the things I could do to take the load off for him, try to help without really knowing the problem from him, concerned he's on the brink of working himself to death and I was in a bit of denial. Then that; it confirmed my gut feeling so I decided to pack a bag, send him to his mother's more permanently while we sort things out properly and try and shield the kids from any of this uncertainty with a work trip.
Text to tell him this, non-confrontationally, no reply. Found his wedding ring left in the bathroom and he doesn't take it off normally. Had a cry while packing his bag and now I'm just - ? -

Not 24 hours ago I would have said he is a decent, kind man, excellent father and we had a solid marriage. We discussed separation when we had pfb and we both said as amicably as possible - no mess, grown ups, with mediators if necessary. Even if he left me I would have laughed in the face of anyone that said he would leave the dc like that...which brings me back to him just having reached the end of his tether.
I'm sad, alone, am desperately worried about him and want to be with him but also have no idea if he has actually had a crisis and wasn't in fact a massive bastard that was too chicken shit to tell me to my face, I'm angry at him, furious really. And then just distraught because I love him and can't believe he would do this if he had a choice. Except he has, hasn't he?

ohfourfoxache Tue 31-Dec-13 00:46:15

<holds hand>

Darling I'm going to finish reading your op, will be back x

carrotsdotty Tue 31-Dec-13 00:49:49

Am thinking about you holding your hand, wishing you the best my love x

WaitingForPeterWimsey Tue 31-Dec-13 00:50:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheckedPjs Tue 31-Dec-13 00:50:30

OP I'm so sorry!

You just need to ask him, in person or over the phone, maybe he just needs a break or maybe he's come to the end. If it's the latter I'm so sorry

manaboutthemaison Tue 31-Dec-13 00:51:01

He sounds very troubled, i wish you both well.x

Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 00:51:37

I'm sorry. I've been on my own for not only today but really most of Christmas I just blurted and it is long and doesn't make sense because whichever way, fury or despair, I'm crying and my face is all fat and my head hurts and he's fucked off and is probably sleeping, the fucker.
I feel less alone getting it out though so I suppose that saves waing through it.

AnUnearthlyChild Tue 31-Dec-13 00:53:27

<holds hand also>

CheckedPjs Tue 31-Dec-13 00:53:52

brew (i don't drink sorry) biscuit cake thanks

I wish you well OP, how are the children?

Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 00:54:19

Oh, lots of replies I hadn't expected, so x posted. Thank you for your replies it means a lot.

I have tried calling and texting, he's not answering nor is his mum but I don't blame her I'd do the same for mine...well not quite so coldly but whatever. I'm just having to wait until he feels like getting in touch.

LackaDAISYcal Tue 31-Dec-13 00:54:54

Not sure what is going on with him, but so so sorry you are going through this at this time of year. I'm facing my own relationship demons at the minute and just wanted to show some solidarity. Do you think there is an OW? hence the defriending on FB and chaning the email passwords?

MuttonCadet Tue 31-Dec-13 00:56:50

He does sound very confused, I hope that you can work it out.

EllieInTheRoom Tue 31-Dec-13 00:57:04

Is he definitely at his mothers? Have you checked?

I'm so sorry, you must feel so awful.

As soon as is practical get over there to demand what is going on.

Have there been any problems in the relationship?

I'm angry for you. I don't think midlife crisis or breakdown at all. I think if it was mental health related his doctor friend would have given him sounder advice then to just go to his mothers.

Either way, he's behaving like a massive selfish twat.

Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 00:57:34

Thank you for hands. Hands and hugs all gratefully received.

Checked - dc are fine and snuggled in bed. I told them dh was visiting Nanna and then had to work. I wouldn't usually lie to them but I don't actually have any truth to tell them so opted for my own version of moral cowardiceI guess.
No idea what I will do if this all implodes.

saggytummy Tue 31-Dec-13 00:57:49

I would suggest just trying to sleep, hopefully it will happen then in the morning start the jungle drums, try his mum, the friend etc. wanted to make sure you weren't alone. We could all juxtapose what's going on in his head but if it's some sort of mental issue only he can tell u or one of those he has confided in.

Pancakeflipper Tue 31-Dec-13 00:59:17

Ohbyethen, he's a coward and that makes it harder for you.

I hope the hurting becomes bearable then gradually diminishes so you have fun again.

saggytummy Tue 31-Dec-13 01:00:16

His mum should have the decency to answer your calls IMO sorry didn't realise you had tried this already. You could try looking at his FB page for any clues though I know you said he has defriended you.

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 31-Dec-13 01:02:57

I'm so sorry you are going through this - so confusing for you.

I know it's a bit sneaky but have you tried different passwords to get onto his FB page?

You deserve answers and I hope his DM isn't answering her phone just because it's late. He on the other hand does owe you an explanation and I hope you get it soon.

stickysausages Tue 31-Dec-13 01:03:27

I'm so sorry, hope you can work it out thanks

Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 01:03:27

You see that's what I don't know! I was desperately trying to pin it on something fixable but if he's just been a selfish twat for the sake of being a selfish twat then - marriage up in smoke. I'm not going to deny it could be an affair, although it seems less likely than the other 2 options that still makes it an option.

I've contacted friends and they haven't heard anything, he's not with them. I know he was at his mother's when I last had any contact and she wouldn't let him go roaming if he was struggling. I'm sure she would call me if something concerning happened if only for the sake of the dc.
With that reasoning I felt like maybe the only thing I would get out of tonight is some thinking time because it doesn't look like I'll get answers. If he doesn't present himself or contact me in the morning I'll get a babysitter and head over.

knockedgymnast Tue 31-Dec-13 01:03:27

Sorry to hear this, op. I think he is having some sort of crisis rather than a breakdown. Like you, rightly, said he has changed passwords etc & also taken off his wedding ring, which to me, seems quite pre-meditated rather than a sign of desperation iyswim?

I don't know and perhaps I shouldn't speculate but I rely hope you get to the bottom of it. The truth.

Holding your hand.


ohfourfoxache Tue 31-Dec-13 01:07:33

Oh I'm so, so sorry sad

Has he got form for this?

It sounds like he could be having a breakdown. Have you been under any particular stress recently?

I'm afraid that I'm going to go into practical mode - have you got any joint accounts? If so have you checked to make sure that they haven't been cleared out? If everything is still there then I would transfer as much as you can out of there - if he isn't well then there is no telling what he could do.

When did this all happen? You say you've been keeping it in?

Ohbyethen Tue 31-Dec-13 01:09:46

Handful - as sad as it was, yes I did try any passwords I could think of, nada. Friends have reported no activity. But there's always private messages isn't there.

Knocked - thank you that's what I was failing ot articulate. Initially it seemed like crisis point and was really worried he would teeter over the edge as he suddenly acted more acutely stressed. But there are a couple of quite cold, rational and patently pre-meditate (like 10 hours before I knew anything) things that point to this not really being any kind of desperate act. Apart from a desperate act of cowardice sad it feels so awful to write that about him because I really idn't think that would ever be the man I knew.

EllieInTheRoom Tue 31-Dec-13 01:11:57

What sticky said ^^

It certainly looks like he never had any intention of returning tonight, no matter what his mate said.

I think his mother is behaving awfully by ignoring you. She either knows he's a dick and is protecting him, or, even if he was having some sort of crisis (which I don't believe) she should be in touch with you, as his wife, to alleviate your worry.

I hope you're ok! It's probably pointless to say this but do try to sleep or at least rest.

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 31-Dec-13 01:13:54

It's all so strange, unfriending his DW, taking off his wedding ring where he knew you'd find it. He's just left you and your DCs and won't give you any clue as to why?

You must be in bits love, Were there any other signs other than him clearing his head? Are you in touch with his Dr friend?

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