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Crazy and controlling dh - relatively minor incident but please help me cope

(108 Posts)
princessx Wed 04-Dec-13 23:38:27

I need to share my husband's (he is definitely not dh) unbearable behaviour. Hopefully someone can help me cope.

Background: we have a terrible relationship anyway and I've actually filed for divorce 2 yrs ago but didn't take it any further.

I had to make an important phone call tonight and I needed to get the children asleep first. There was no way round it, I had to tell H my plan, knowing that would be an open invitation to him to try and ruin things.

I simply wanted to say: I'll get the kids alseep as normal. Then I'll phone the woman. Please could you deal with the kids if they wake up.

Well, that meant he came into my room under the pretext of wanting to see the kids and spent an hour having a go at me about anything that came into his head. Then when there was only 45 mins to go until I had to make the call he cranked up a gear and started getting hysterical with the kids screaming and laughing. Winding them up as much as he could.
Finally he left the room and I was settling them down (I have a toddler and a baby) then when I'd turned the light out he came in turning on the light saying he needed some socks and having a go at me for not having washed enough socks for him, even though I'd specifically left a clean pair on his bed to avoid this very situation. By this point there was only 10 mins until I had to make the call. I ended up shouting at him to leave the room as I had to bf baby to sleep. Cue him to have a massive go at me for shouting in front of the children.

I slowly bf baby to sleep knowing I've already missed the agreed time for the call. Next minute H turns on all the lights in the hall and baby's room and starts hoovering with our really powerful dyson. Last time H hoovered? Never.

He knew I had to transfer the baby from my bed into his cot in the next room. This is almost impossible even with complete darkness and silence. I get out of bed leaving baby precariously in my bed next to my wide awake toddler to plead with him to stop.

Finally get baby into cot and make call 30mins later than I should have, only for baby to wake up during the call. H hollers for me to get baby for ages, as painful as it is for me to leave the baby, I ignore both of them. Next minute H has brought screaming baby into my face and stays holding him there, forcing me to end the call.

This situation is so much worse because it was H who was forcing me to make this call in the first place, and who put me in a situation where I had to make the call.

Can you believe the stress I'm living under? Can anyone help me cope?

The worst is, this is actually a really minor incident for us. He's been so much worse in the past. I would normally just shrug this off as him being difficult, but none of my friends can appreciate what that really means. But this is the sort of behaviour that turns you mad.

birthbearboo Wed 04-Dec-13 23:43:41

I read this with my mouth hanging open. What shockingly horrible behaviour from him. sad I am so so sorry you are living like this. Do you plan to leave?

TheCatThatSmiled Wed 04-Dec-13 23:46:11

Oh that is truly awful. He is a cruel abusive wanker.

It was all deliberate. All designed to delay and upset you. And he used small children as his weapons of choice.

Bastard. I'd be contacting that solicitor again!

What are you going to do? And forgive my curiosity, but how was it due to him you had to make the call?

MairzyDoats Wed 04-Dec-13 23:50:13

Please tell me you're setting in motion plans to leave...this sounds like torture. Why are you still there?

MistAllChuckingFrighty Wed 04-Dec-13 23:50:32

Why do you want to cope with this ?

MyPrettyToes Wed 04-Dec-13 23:50:49

Oh my word. Divorce him. He is a horrible and cruel man.

Seriously, I can actually feel the desperation in your post. This is so disturbing. Who does this? You know this is bad. File for divorce and do not back out again. For your sanity and welfare of your children.

neunundneunzigluftballons Wed 04-Dec-13 23:53:17

Abusive bastard. You have to leave OP abuse is non negotiable.

FetchezLaVache Wed 04-Dec-13 23:53:28

What a hideous man- no mitigating circumstances, just setting you up to fail. Just vile.

Did you talk about it after you got off the phone and ask why he'd suddenly decided to take up hoovering, or why he couldn't have dealt with the baby himself, as you'd asked him to, rather than disturb what he knew was a really important call?

Agree with TheCat re solicitor.

SecretWitch Wed 04-Dec-13 23:54:29

Honey, I'm so sorry this man is terrorising you. Has he abused you physically in the past? He is certainly abusing you emotionally. You and your children do not have to suffer at his hands. None of this is your fault in any way. Please contact Woman's Aid. They can provide support and assistance. I will be thinking about you...nobody should have to bear the cruelty you are currently living with flowers

UmpireOnCall Wed 04-Dec-13 23:54:32

Yupp. That is life withvan abusive man.
Your post articulates the full torture.
Go ahead with the divorce.
It took me two goes to leave too.
U cant go on like this.
Whatever u fear about life on your own, it could not possibly be worse

docpeppa Wed 04-Dec-13 23:54:43

I really feel for you, I'm so sorry you are living in this situation with two young children.

Your husband is doing his best to control you and keep you in your place.

He sounds childish and pathetic, I think you already know that you have to leave him.

SugarandSpice126 Wed 04-Dec-13 23:55:06

That's disgusting. I also read this open mouthed. What an abusive bastard. Can I ask why you haven't left before this? I know it must be hard to imagine with such young children, but you need leave/get him to leave. Could you arrange to see a solicitor?

Mybeautifullife Wed 04-Dec-13 23:55:08

Well he is making your life harder. Sooner or later you will break.

waltermittymissus Wed 04-Dec-13 23:55:48

Cope with this?

You need to leave this.

mrsspagbol Wed 04-Dec-13 23:58:36

Please leave. I am utterly gobsmacked.

Please please leave this madness. You poor thing.

chinley Thu 05-Dec-13 00:02:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeaDevilscanPlay Thu 05-Dec-13 00:02:19

Good God. I have read somethings on MN before but this really is one of the worst. Its utterly shocking.

Get out. Get your children out and leave the bastard on his own. He deserves nothing more than that.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 05-Dec-13 00:05:15

If you have a joint bank account I'd empty it first thing tomorrow morning, & I'd take the kids and leave, I'd also file a CSA claim at the same time and sell all the valuables I manage to take with me.
Would also pour chilli powder in all his socks on the way out.

I can't tell you how to cope. But you sound very brave, I hope your h loses his voice over the winter with a severe bout of the worst case of tonsillitis.

Hugs & LTB Vibes.

princessx Thu 05-Dec-13 00:07:07

Oh god, thanks for your replies, You have actually admitted its bad. Why do my friends never acknowledge that it's bad? You won't believe how much they say I should just make a go of things.
I ended up back with him because I tried to leave when I was pregnant. It was a really hard time and my family didn't support me. He was the only one who actually helped out at all. I know it is a mistake to still be with him and not have put boundaries on accepting the help.

I definitely do plan to leave again and soon.

umpire can you tell me about the two goes you took?

tallwivglasses Thu 05-Dec-13 00:09:36

How to cope? Have a plan. Have a deadline. Think of the dc. And get the fuck out of there before he does drive you literally mad. Please do it x

MistAllChuckingFrighty Thu 05-Dec-13 00:13:30

You need better friends, love.

wontletmesignin Thu 05-Dec-13 00:15:38

Oh OP! How awful!
There is no way to cope with this.
You need to get you and your kids out of there.

I am completely shocked at what you are having to deal with. Please use all of your strength to leave this vile person!

You and your kiddies deserve a peaceful life. By the sounds of this - it is pure torturous for you!
I really feel for you and hope to god you get out asap.

What an awful man!

SecretWitch Thu 05-Dec-13 00:17:12

Princess, we can all read and feel the distress this man is putting you through. Woman's Aid can help you with safety planning if you would like them to. I am sending you a big cyber hug for your courage. Everything can be done in baby steps. You just have to decide when the time makes sense for you..xx

princessx Thu 05-Dec-13 00:17:30

Oh god seadevils is it really one of the worst things you've read?

The truth is it was too hard for me to actually live and work in London. I earn £40k, which is just over £2k a month. My rent on a 1 bed flat was £1300, nursery for 2 kids is £2700. And that's me paying rock bottom prices. I couldn't actually live and work on my own in London.

No fetchez I didn't talk to him about it afterwards, I just try to avoid him as much as possible.

UmpireOnCall Thu 05-Dec-13 00:17:52

Princess it is embarrassing . Left him. He promised to change. I went back. He reverted to form quickly enough. I got pg :-( and he refered to my first attempt toleave him as "that tin pot parade".
He was like your h. He just ranted and grouched and criticised me relentlessly.
I can laugh about this now but once when id had enough and went to spare room. He came in with an electric drilll and started taking the spare bed apart at 12 midnight, yellingvat me for being such a bad wife blah blah blah. He could go on for hours.
I worried tjat the neighbours would hear.
Should have worriedcabout my soul being extinguished!
But, the second time i left him, i knew that no matter WHAT came next it would be easier than life with him. Poverty exclusion judgement poor living conditions.... i knew that none of my fears held a candle to the fear of wasting my life in his company.
And despite my fears, it has all turned out ok!

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