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Dp talks to me like I'm a ****

(52 Posts)
Thecowjumpedoverthemoon Mon 11-Nov-13 11:39:05

We had a massive row yesterday.

Nothing major happened but I went a bit doolally after he spoke to me like a **.
Then acted like I'd done something unforgivable, said I was a c* and he wasn't interested in me anymore.

I can only give examples of what he is like (even when he's in a good mood).

If anyone leaves the kitchen door open (it's cold in there) he won't say 'can you shut the door please' on our way through, he will wait until we have left it open, then make a sarcy snide comment like 'yeah, you just leave the door open then thats fine'
He can't say something politely when it's happening he will leave it until the 'mistake has been made, then make nasty comments, it really gets my back up.
He does it to my teen son and he does it to me in front of the kids.
I usually get annoyed and pull him up on it, which ends in a row with him telling me I'm a c****.

Yesterday we were in the car, he was in the back with ds2 2yo.
I pulled off from our parking space, when a few seconds had passed he said 'you just pull off when I haven't clipped ds in properly, that's fine, you carry on'
I said ' why couldn't you say something before I pulled away?' He then said 'yep it's my fault, all my fault'
I realise I should have been more thoughtful and realise my mistake, but think he could have helped the situation by telling me when it mattered.
This then became about me not taking responsibility.
When we got home he unclipped ds from his seat and took him out at the end of our road, which infuriated me.

Later we argued which ended in me crying for hours.

He made nasty comments about my mental health too (I have ocd).

I felt dead inside and am still feeling shock from his comments.

I know I make mistakes and am far from perfect but I just want him to stop setting me up to fail in his books so he can verbally abuse me further.

I'm lonely, I live nowhere near family and friends, I can't leave and won't leave this house.
My sons need to stay here so leaving isn't an option.
I'm afraid I just have to live with this but limit the damage.

I already have to manage what's on tv at weekends because of the nasty comments he makes about people on tv, he thinks he's hilarious!

A lot of the time we get on great but I've realised this is only when things are going 100% his way,

He is negative a lot of the time and if we do something as a family he just points out how crap everything is. It's draining.

I looked into leaving but my son will be devastated and I will get the blame.
From the outside I have it good because I'm a SAHM.

Btw his dad does the same, makes sarcy comments.

Just want to know what your thoughts are!

ohfourfoxache Mon 11-Nov-13 11:47:10


This is not a normal, healthy relationship. He sounds like an utter arse and he is dragging you down massively.

I completely understand that you don't want to leave, but this can't carry on. Can you ask him to leave? Are you married/is the house in joint names? Can you seek advice from a solicitor?

Sorry to say this, and I don't think I ever have before, but you need to LTB. Not only for your sake, but also for your DCs sake. He cannot be a positive influence on them sad

tallwivglasses Mon 11-Nov-13 11:48:56

He's a fucking bully and you're doing your sons no favours by staying. However, you seem adamant about staying and allowing your teenage son to continue receiving abuse and possibly repeating these patterns in future relationships, so carry on.

Let him keep sucking every last bit of joy from you. Let it continue to affect your mental health. Let your boys grow up thinking this is how a man treats women.

You can't change your H. This behaviour is ingrained. He thinks you're worthless and that he's superior to everyone.

MrsPnut Mon 11-Nov-13 11:50:38

He sounds awful, and you certainly don't deserve to be treated like that.
The not strapping you son in, is definitely his fault - he should have said as you began to move the car so he could strap him in not 2 minutes after you started driving and why did he not strap him in the minute you all got into the car?

Thecowjumpedoverthemoon Mon 11-Nov-13 11:55:19

We rent in both names.
He won't leave and I can't get the funds to get a deposit.
Most landlords won't rent to mums on benefits.

I will lose the car then I really won't be able to afford to see my family. Petrol is 22£ but train fares for three if us isn't doable in benefits.

I have thought it all through and nothing works my favour financially or emotionally.

Jan45 Mon 11-Nov-13 11:55:27

He sounds a complete misery - I don't understand why you think it's okay for your son to be witness to the way he is talking to you - it's not a good example to set any child.

Also, you are giving him the green light to carry on with his nastiness and he'll think he can get away with pretty much anything.

If, at all, possible look into setting up again without him or at least give him two barrels of how and why you are not willing to put up with his awful moods, you wouldn't take it from a friend, so why take it from your partner?

LEMisafucker Mon 11-Nov-13 12:00:00

There are loads of single mums out there who manage, and do better because of leaving, do not stay with someone for financial reasons. I am not uptight about the C word, i say it alot but your DH is calling you a cunt on regular basis. That makes me feel really sad.

ohfourfoxache Mon 11-Nov-13 12:02:23

Could you move and rent closer to your family? Could you save up gradually for a deposit? (Even if it's £10 a week, it will make you feel like you're doing something/preparing)

Could you stay with your family whilst you're looking? Do they know what's going on?

Sorry for all the questions, but in terms of things working in your favour emotionally he is not going to change. At all. He is a bully and, to be blunt, abusive. You have two choices - you either get out of the relationship, create a secure and loving home for you and your DC and realise that you can be far, far happier than you are now; or you can stay, be miserable, teach your DC that it's OK to be treated like a doormat and put up with this poor excuse for a man.

I'm sorry to be harsh, I know you must be going through a dreadful time, but PLEASE don't put up with this sad

BarbarianMum Mon 11-Nov-13 12:03:45

<<Most landlords won't rent to mums on benefits.>>

That's not true. Many landlords won't rent to a mum on benefits, but some do and so do the Council and housing association (though you may have to wait a bit).

Why do your boys need to stay in the area? Is it cause of school/exams?

The one thing that isn't working in anyone's favor (except your p's but I'm not worried about him) is the present situation. So if you can't leave now, what can you do to leave soon?

BibbleBabbleBobble Mon 11-Nov-13 12:04:34

Your partner is calling you a word that you can't even bear to type out on an anonymous Internet forum?

This relationship is damaging to your son.

Most landlords don't want to rent to someone on benefits, that is true. But some will. Mine did.

pigsDOfly Mon 11-Nov-13 12:05:08

This sort of abusive behaviour wears you down like water on a rock. You accept it and creep around on egg shells so you don't incur his wrath. You're very unhappy. You don't need to live like this.

You say you can't leave but you can you know - or better, ask him to leave - your DS will adjust and you will cope. Atm you're not doing your DC any favours by staying with this nasty man; this is not what your DC need to see as a role for their future relationships.

As ohfourfoxache says, you need to consider the situation re your house etc. and finances. You will get a lot of wonderful, helpful advice here from women who can help you more than I can so keep posting.

Please don't feel you have to accept his abuse. You're worth more than that.

Thecowjumpedoverthemoon Mon 11-Nov-13 12:08:21

I can't stay with family.

My son is in the middle of his gcses, I think I'm going start squirrelling away money.

Then hopefully I will be in better position in a few months.

Thanks, I just really wanted to know that it wasn't me that was being unreasonable.

Now I see he was also at fault.

DottyboutDots Mon 11-Nov-13 12:09:42

You just can't see the positives of leaving but there will be loads! RIght now, he bullies you and because you believe you have to stay, it gives him ore power, he respects you less and it will get worse. You need to get some balance back and get him to respect you.

Who says you have OCD btw, has he diagnosed you? Or is it worse in times of stress?

I have no advice of how to make someone leave but if you both left, would you not get your deposit back and then perhaps you could move nearer your family with someone coming in as guarantor?

You have one life and your youngest is two. You are also teaching them that is how to speak to their partner as you know your husband learnt it from his.

DottyboutDots Mon 11-Nov-13 12:11:00

Make a diary, that's what my good friend did and then she could see it in black and white. Also, when her partner was being a bastard, she just thought "I need to write this one down".

Thecowjumpedoverthemoon Mon 11-Nov-13 12:14:04

I will start a log, thanks.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 12:15:45

He's definitely a bully. That sarcastic way of speaking is a real give-away. 'Lowest form of wit'. It's nasty, cowardly behaviour and, if he takes the piss out of your mental health issues as well, that would be par for the course. Inadequate people have to make others feel bad in order to feel good.

Sorry you're in this situation. Glad you're thinking of leaving him behind. Stand up to him or ignore him in the meantime, however, and don't show him that he's getting to you

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 12:17:48

BTW... do get some legal advice. You're not married to this man but your DCs have certain rights, especially in regard to financial support.

Tuhlulah Mon 11-Nov-13 12:19:21

How were you unreasonable? Of course it's his fault, he undermines you and your sons at every step. You think they'll be devastated if you part -maybe they won't! Living with this going on every day IMPACTS on them and you.

This is domestic abuse. He learned it from his father and your sons are learning it from their father. That is not your fault but you are letting it continue.

Yes, start putting money aside for an escape route. You need to get away from this man, who is controlling you, and is so scared that you will leave/become independent that he has to erode every bit of self-confidence and self respect you have.

I don't know what help is available to women in your situation. Why don't you contact women's refuges (not to go to, because for one thing I'd be surprised if they'd let you take a GCSE age son in anyway) but for guidance on what's available to you.

Calling you a cunt is not acceptable, whether or not it is in front of your children. You should say,'Yes, i think you're right, I must be a cunt to put up with an insecure inadequate little man like you.'

Thecowjumpedoverthemoon Mon 11-Nov-13 12:20:55

Sorry my son is quite demanding.

I've had ocd since I was 10, I've had a flare up due to a recent family death.

I'm going to log stuff and start saving, by the time my son has done his gcses I should be in a better position to find another place.

I can't go back home because he will no doubt take me to court to stay local, he has rights.

ohfourfoxache Mon 11-Nov-13 12:21:02

Re Now I see he was also at fault

No. He is at fault. FULL STOP. This is not of your doing - please, please remember that.

He has worn you down. This is him, not you sad

Alexandrite Mon 11-Nov-13 12:21:05

How awful. I think it does sound like he is speaking to you in a contemptuous way and I think they say that once there is contempt in a relationship it is beyond saving. I think it's a good plan to start saving to possibly leave in future. In the meantime have you tried couples counselling to see if it would help him think about the way he speaks to you? I'd play him that Father Ted episode with Father Jessup The Most Sarcastic Priest in Ireland to show him how ridiculous he sounds.

walterwhiteswife Mon 11-Nov-13 12:23:04

I didn't have a bean when I left dh and I had to go to a refuge. there is no excuse to stay with someone who is abusing you regularly and you're sons witnessing it. stop making excuses not to leave him because trust me it won't get better x

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 12:26:48

You'll find he has fewer rights than you think. You're not married and that's highly significant when it comes to rights. If you need to move to another town in order to be able to support your DCs and be with family, a court is not going to prevent you. You might find a call to Womens Aid useful... 0808 2000 247. They can give you a lot of very good information about finances, accommodation, legal matters and the other things that may be standing in the way of you currently getting out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 12:29:02

@Alexandrite... Couples counselling is not recommended where there is abusive or bullying behaviour. Reason being that this man, like all bullies, does not accept he's in the wrong. If he went along, he would use the sessions in order to pay lipservice at best and, at worst, gather more ammunition to use against the OP. He makes Father Jessup sound quite loveable .... hmm (Big Ted fan)

rainbowfeet Mon 11-Nov-13 12:30:06

Oh dear.. He sounds like an immature teenager!!! How annoying for you! confused

No more advice to add ... Other than if I can manage as a lone parent.. Anyone can!! thanks

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