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He won't make the effort to see me

(56 Posts)
alittlebitfedup Sun 10-Nov-13 20:23:01

I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months.

He is the first man I have dated since the break up with my DD's father 2 years ago.

Due to my childcare situation (i.e. going out means advance planning for childcare etc) and his job (he works long hours, 6 days a week) we have averaged meeting up about twice a week, once during the weekday and then during the weekend).

However, I have now not seen him at all for 2 weeks. He actually had a week off work last week and I had assumed that we would meet up at some point during that time. I know he went away to visit family for a few days but from the thursday to sunday he was back in our hometown. It was me who was texting him etc. I found this all a bit disappointing and assumed that this meant that maybe he was not so keen on me anymore. So I rang him up on Monday to say "hey, whats going on? Are we still doing this or shall we call it quits". He said that he was really shocked and sad that I felt this way. We ended up talking for 2 hours - he said that he was still interested in me, that he just hadn't thought about how not really contacting me or wanting to hook up would look from my point of view, that he really liked me, said that he was tired, very busy etc. He said that he is always going to be a disappointment and that he has been single for such a long time that he is used to putting himself first.

Anyway, roll over to this weekend - we had planned to meet up today. He told me this afternoon after a lot of faffing about that he was feeling like a "lazy bastard" and didn't want to meet up today. He said this is what he meant when he told me on Monday that he was selfish.

I ended up sending a ranty text to my friend stating how piss poor I found all of this but accidentally sent it to him instead so he ended up getting the uncut version of what I felt. He sent a text back saying that I had a right to be annoyed. It feels all a bit awkward though.

I do like him, we seem to get on very well when we are together and have lots in common etc. I do know that he is very busy and that I'm sure he is very tired. I just feel quite disappointed that he didn't want to make the effort with me today or during his week off.

I think I should probably end it. I think the aim of this post was really just to vent.

antimatter Sun 10-Nov-13 20:24:51

he is keeping you at arms length...
cool it off

daphnesglasses Sun 10-Nov-13 20:27:22

I'd just leave it - don't contact him for a few weeks, see how you feel then? You don't have to formally end it at this early stage. It does sound like you deserve better though tbh

Tailz Sun 10-Nov-13 20:27:46

I would suggest that he is probably lazy but also not really 'in to you' ie if he was really bothered, he would've made plans to catch up once he was back in your Town even if it was just for a coffee.

Vent away but I would call it a day. Life is too short.

MemphisMinnie Sun 10-Nov-13 20:32:06

You don't want to be with a self confessed selfish, lazy bastard do you?

I would add cheeky fucker to the list of this blokes dubious attributes.

OopsUpsideYourHead Sun 10-Nov-13 20:32:48

When a man tells you who he is, LISTEN.

He's told you loud & clear that he is lazy & selfish. It's not going to get any better!

MillyRules Sun 10-Nov-13 20:33:12

He is not interested in you other than when he feels like it (for sex I would presume). If a man wants to be with you, he will be with you and he will show you in no uncertain terms how much you mean to him. I wouldn't contact him at all. If he wants to see you, you will know about it.

TurnipCake Sun 10-Nov-13 20:38:52

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

Do you really want a relationship with Selfish Lazy Bastard?

ThePinkOcelot Sun 10-Nov-13 20:39:45

I would just forget about him OP.
Just think if you were tired etc etc and you wanted to see him, you would make the effort and bother no matter how tired you were. He's talking out of his arse. Bin him.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 10-Nov-13 20:43:13

Agree with all the above, and please don't think you can change him, you can't.
I should get out now before he insults you more.

mummymummymillionmillion Sun 10-Nov-13 20:44:39

Have you slept with him? It sounds like he is doing the classic wham bam thank you mam, as he is not making the effort anymore. If he really cared for you, he would be more sensitive towards your feelings. So sorry to hear how disappointed you are, particularly as you like him so much. The thing is he it sounds like he is not going to change so maybe the question is can you handle that? or do you want more? You sound like a lovely person who deserves a true gent and I hope you meet him very soon.

TrueToYou Sun 10-Nov-13 20:49:18

Cut and run, I doubt it will get better!
Your self worth/confidence will diminish the longer you let this arse mess you around.

wallypops Sun 10-Nov-13 20:53:21

Its going to be downhill from here. He's already shown you himself at his best.....

damejudydench Sun 10-Nov-13 20:59:03

Two months in and he's stopped bothering already?

I would kick him into touch. I'm sure you are lovely and can do far better. Life is too short for lazy selfish twunts.

Lweji Sun 10-Nov-13 21:02:19

Drop him.

tribpot Sun 10-Nov-13 21:13:50

I agree, I think he wants to see if you'll tolerate actually being told outright that he's lazy and selfish, by keeping you on a string whilst he lets the message sink in.

This is not a relationship with someone who actually cares about you.

Sidge Sun 10-Nov-13 21:21:29

Are you seeing my ex?!

I finished with a guy last month for very similar reasons; we'd been seeing each other for longer (10 months) but over the last couple of months he had been cooling off. Always managed to find time to do his things, but became less keen to commit to doing anything with me.

I think you should walk away - he's made it quite clear his priority is him and what he wants. Which is fine, but if you're seeing someone then you can't really be that self-centred.

alittlebitfedup Sun 10-Nov-13 22:26:35

Yes, in answer to mummymillion's question I have slept with him...

I am quite disappointed by the whole thing but I think its best that I end it really. Its a bit annoying that he didn't have the balls to end it himself as he clearly isn't that into me anymore.

itsmeisntit Sun 10-Nov-13 22:35:04

Bite the bullet and put yourself out of this misery.

Life is too short to waste it hanging around waiting for him to snap his fingers.


MotherOfDragon Sun 10-Nov-13 22:41:48

MyEx was like this. Get out whilst you can, It only gets worse!

Mumof3girlys Sun 10-Nov-13 22:48:54

Stop contacting him now! No texts or calls!

If he was interested he would chase you! A man who is interested will want to contact/see you.

It certainly won't hurt to play the game a little wait few hours before responding to texts, miss a few of his calls (not all of them) be busy going out for evening/with friends sometimes when he wants to see you!

Nothing attractive about a girl sitting in on there own waiting for a man to want to see her!

Oh and if he doesn't chase then he is not worth your time and effort! Good luck x

BillyBanter Sun 10-Nov-13 22:56:05

If he was genuine after the first chat you would not have had the same issue come up again already. He would have made damn sure he made time to see you. He didn't. Either contact him to say this isn't really working out for me, sorry. Good luck in the future.' or just stop contacting him.

BillyBanter Sun 10-Nov-13 22:58:01

'chasing' is a shit gameplaying way of looking at it. People who want to see each other contact each other. Chasing implies there is running away or that the woman is having to play her part in the game by 'playing hard to get'.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 10-Nov-13 23:11:40

Nothing to add except you deserve better!

MillyRules Sun 10-Nov-13 23:30:42

Nothing wrong with a bit of gameplaying. I agree with Mumof3girlys. You shouldn't show yourself as too keen until they are more committed. Men like to chase women anyway. Its the way they are made. They are achievers and strive to achieve things. There is a big difference between the sexes and the way we respond to things when its dating and relationships. This also protects you from hurt and low self esteem as you don't do any running after the man. If he is interested he will persue.

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