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Tips for improving DW sex drive

(63 Posts)
guynotagirl Thu 07-Nov-13 15:14:58

Hi all, new here.
Just would like a woman's view on this please.
I'm not a typical guy that's believes I am entitled to sex whenever I want. we have 2 DC and my DW is also studying whilst holding down a full time job etc etc. so I fully understand that we are both tired most of the time but I clearly have a higher sex drive than she does yet she says she does fancy me and wants to have sex.
I try to help with the housework and with the kids but they want her a lot of the time so she feels she does most of it. I just would like any tips to help get her more relaxed and in the mood so to speak.
I don't want her to do it just because she thinks she has to.

Boosterseat Thu 07-Nov-13 15:18:36

I try to help with the housework and with the kids but they want her a lot of the time so she feels she does most of it.

You don't try to "help" you should just "do" - its not helping if they are your own children and you live in the house.

Helping is a word used as if it isn't really "your" job you just "help" your wife.
Perhaps this is why she doesn't really fancy sex as its just another job to do?

guynotagirl Thu 07-Nov-13 15:28:40

I do do a lot with the DC but my DW likes to do the things she does with them and feels guilty if she doesn't as we both work full time and feel we don't spend enough time them as it is but after all that we don't seem to have enough time for each other and she is normally to tired

futureforward Thu 07-Nov-13 15:30:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

futureforward Thu 07-Nov-13 15:35:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Nov-13 15:36:56

I'm going to take the question as being sincere. Would suggest the following
1. Find ways for you both to get a break from work/kids/studying/housework etc., catch up on some sleep and recharge the batteries.
2. Take time to reconnect as a couple e.g. 'date nights' whether at home or outside the home, recreating the conditions under which you started your relationship, finding a grown-up pastime that you can both share.
3. Be kind, appreciative and affectionate with each other all the time and not just as a means to get sex

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 07-Nov-13 15:40:52

She'd probably relax a bit in a hot bath whilst you did the housework, and sorted the kids, washing, lunches, schoolbags, clothes, arguments etc out, no?

meditrina Thu 07-Nov-13 15:43:03

"I try to help with the housework"

You need to turn this into "I know what goes into the running of the household and make sure I do my fair share without prompting".

And "I join in with all the DC's games and other activities so DW never feels she's on her own"

"I am competent at all aspects of childcare so, other than passing fads for one parent over the other for some stuff, the DC are happy with either parent" (This one probably flows from the previous).

"DW doesn't need to stress about finding time to do the work for her course, because I can run the home and care for the occupants whilst she studies"

And "I find time and make any babysitting arrangements so DW and I can spend regular child free time. I remember to talk to her as an adult, and make sure I know her hopes and dreams for the future and we picture how we get there together"

And the cheesy one "I don't come up with forced compliments, but I express appreciation of the many things she does several times every day"

guynotagirl Thu 07-Nov-13 15:43:18

maybe I wasn't very clear in the first post, I do the cooking in our house (she does the baking lol), we both go shopping together, I hoover and wash floors at the weekend and change beds. I try my very best to do as much as I can with the kids and take them out without DW but she hates it and begs me not to as she misses them and feels bad, I keep telling that she needs more time to herself but I have to practically force her to have a bath and relax instead of a 2 min shower.
just wanted some sort of romantic tips maybe. we are very close and in love etc and want to be together whenever we can but she just doesn't seem interested in sex.

Joysmum Thu 07-Nov-13 15:46:56

I want more sex when I feel closer and more connected. Hubby wants more sex when he wants to connect. So we both have different attitudes to sex. For me is something we do when close, for him it's something we do to get close.

My advice, ensure you are both taking equal shares in everything and then take the time to be together as a couple in love, rather than just parents.

BerstieSpotts Thu 07-Nov-13 15:47:00

Then why didn't you ask for tips on romance instead of asking "how to increase her sex drive" like she is a car or some other kind of machine that you can get better results from if you just put the right input in.

She is a person, why don't you ask her what would turn her on?

BadgerBumBag Thu 07-Nov-13 15:47:37

I cannot bear it when dp says 'can I help you in any way?' It is not helping when it is your house and child! It is not my job in the first place for you to help me with, it is all ours.

So my advice would be, coming from someone in a similar position to your wife:
1. Cuddle / kiss / massage her just because it is lovely, not because you want it to lead to something. She will then not feel under any pressure to get in the mood, and she may well end up in the mood when the pressure is removed.
2. Do the housework, whatever you think needs doing. Be spontaneous and do little bits as you see them. If she feels you are engaging in this and taking responsibility without just trying to help she will hopefully feel closer to you.
3. Do something lovely for her... run a bath, cook, take children out to give her some space
4. Try to assist with her guilt over trying to do it all. Let her know she needs time to herself to recharge and this will not have a detrimental effect on the children
5. Compliment her on what she does

Just love her whole heartedly and do do do do do...

Jan45 Thu 07-Nov-13 15:47:46

I think you've been given a hard time here, you clearly do an equal share of everything, it's not your fault if your wife stops you from giving her a break from the kids.

Tbh, are you sure she's not having sex with you cos she's exhausted or is it more like she doesn't want to - I'd try and find out which one it is before asking on advice to have a romantic night in, TALK to her.

TantrumsAndBalloons Thu 07-Nov-13 15:49:00

One of the very first things you need to do is stop talking about "helping" with the DCs and the housework.

My teenage DCs "help" me do stuff in the house, outside of their normal jobs.
My DH however is an adult who understands that in order for a house to run smoothly xyz has to be done. So he does it. Not to "help" me, because it's not my job, but because we live together and stuff has to be done.

He doesn't ask me, can I do this, what shall I do, do you want me to help? He just comes home and loads the dishwasher or takes the laundry out of the drier and folds it or cooks the dinner or does the washing up.

That's what you need to do. Don't ask or wait to be told, just do it.

And I will also say this. I work full time and I am also studying for my degree. I am shattered. Every single night. And I have teenagers and a DH that does at least half the housework, all of the school pick ups, and 75% of ferrying 3 DCs to different activities.

Your poor Dw. I can't imagine studying, working and doing all the childcare and housework. She must be in bits. And you wonder why her sex drive has disappeared?

TantrumsAndBalloons Thu 07-Nov-13 15:51:10

Sorry, OP x posted with you

But, honestly? She is probably extremely tired and finding it hard to relax because she has so much to do.

BadgerBumBag Thu 07-Nov-13 15:53:06

Maybe you could organise a night out without the children? I know you say you need romantic tips but sometimes resentment can hinder sex drive so don't completely ignore tips on how to work together in general, although you have clarified that you do a lot. Do you think you make it feel like you are 'helping' and need her to be there to back you up etc?

Hawkmoth Thu 07-Nov-13 15:53:34

I heard you the first time.

guynotagirl Thu 07-Nov-13 15:57:41

we have recently had a night away and although we really enjoyed it and were close it did nothing for the libido. DC sleep at her parents 1 Friday each month and I suggest going out for drinks (she doesn't drink) or a meal etc but she would rather have meal at home and fall asleep early. as she is tried. and we don't really have much extra time.
I just feel she is sick of my trying to have sex and that its all I want when its not but I cant help fancying and wanting her as I think she is amazing and sexy etc.
we have everything except a fantastic sex life

Joysmum Thu 07-Nov-13 16:03:28

Sounds like me and my hubby but the other way around at times. There's been some very harsh responses, there's nothing wrong with wanting sex with your partner and fancying them.

Probably the start is to not go for sex itself, have a night to yourselves and just hold each other tight with no moves to the next stage. Hug when the kids are there and then invite them in for family hugs. Hold hands whenever you can. Catch her eye and smile and tell her how lucky you are. Compliment her when she'd wearing a colour you like on her. Just aim to get spark of connection in everyday life rather than waiting for the grand gesture.

KringleCandleLover Thu 07-Nov-13 16:06:27

My dear nan, very near the end of life, in 1 of her hearttohearts with me told me something...
A woman needs to feel desired in order to want sex and a man needs sex in order to feel desired.
Made me feel very uncomfy, she was 80 and my granny fgs BUT looking back on her quotations, this particular 1 rings true to me.

popperdoodles Thu 07-Nov-13 16:12:34

I find it very difficult to switch from practical mummy mode to sexy wife mode. Children take so much from you emotionally that I find it hard to keep on giving. I hope that makes sense.
Things that helped us were making sure I had time to switch off from mummy mode i.e. a proper child free evening. Never make her feel pressured as that is the biggest turn off. Making sure we actually shared some time in the evening, actually talking to each other rather than each engrossed in our own laptops or books.

Doing housework, cooking etc is great but is stuff you should be doing anyway and is doesn't work because then she will feel obliged to thank you with sex which is wrong and not how it should work.

Dahlen Thu 07-Nov-13 16:12:47

Well assuming your perspective is correct and you do as much as you say you do with the house/DC and you're not pestering her for sex (nothing more guaranteed to kill libido than that), I'd say your problem is having a wife who thinks she's superwoman.

It is simply not possible to be all things to all people. She is stretching herself too thin and I'm not surprised she is knackered. It's probably not you but the fact that there isn't any energy left to channel into sex.

If you can take over more than your fair share of domestic stuff for a while, that may help, but the most important thing you can do is keep gently reminding her that all work and no play isn't a good thing long term. You could also point out that her insistence of having the DC in preference of you is damaging the father-child bond and that it needs to be split more fairly for the sake of the DC. That would result in her having more down time and hopefully mean she's more likely to rediscover her sex drive as a result of being less tired.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 07-Nov-13 16:13:35

As your are fully participating in your household, what arrangements have you put in place for Xmas a might be a chance to reconnect?

Dahlen Thu 07-Nov-13 16:15:39

You could also try gently exploring her fears and guilt about working instead of being at home with the DC, and trying to encourage her to see herself as herself (what she likes doing, what her character is like etc), rather than in roles (wife, mother, student, employee).

Bluecarrot Thu 07-Nov-13 16:23:22

Have you chatted with her about her exhaustion? Not in a "why are you too tired for sex" way, more " what changes can we make to take pressure off?" A cleaner once a week? A babysitter once a week? Can you take one kid for a "daddy date" once a week and then she does a " mummy date" with the other? And swap kids the next week? Means there's great one to one time with each so might lessen her guilty conscience a bit?

Tbh, I'm an exhausted ( heavily pregnant) mum and I fantasise about DP putting hot water bottles in the bed for me and heating up my pjs on radiator, then cuddling with me in bed. Not the sexiest idea but if it would occur to DP to be that thoughtful I'd def feel more inclined for affection, though maybe not sex ( purely down to tiredness)

What things make her happy? Not having housework done, but extra things just for her? Would she like a short love note in her study book? Her favourite flowers delivered to work? Whole family day out revolving around her favourite place? Work on a handmade gift with the kids for her?

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