Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Would you admit to an early indiscretion?

(88 Posts)
Schoolnight Sat 02-Nov-13 14:48:54

I started dating a man about six months ago. It was nice, we laughed, had things in common, he's very warm and made me feel good. But I never had that moment of thinking he was someone I really wanted to be with and he lacks a couple of points I'd always considered essential in a partner. So when someone else asked me out I started seeing them too.

Things have progressed with my boyfriend but the second man was always more of a bit on the side. The issue is we slept together a few times, mainly before me and my boyfriend were "exclusive" but once afterwards. The issue is now I realise my friends were right and my boyfriend was "a grower". I'm still not sure we'll end up happily ever after etc, but I love him and want to allow myself to see what happens.

But he knows nothing of this other man and thinks I was totally single from day one. Part of me thinks this is fine and often happens but I'm aware that he doesn't have the full picture so is basing his feelings on an inaccurate picture of me.

Should I tell him so he can make an informed decision, or keep quiet and see it as all water under the bridge which won't happen again?

ilovepowerhoop Sat 02-Nov-13 14:50:47

maybe its wrong but I wouldnt say anything

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 02-Nov-13 14:52:17

Don't be an idiot. Keep quiet.

gamerchick Sat 02-Nov-13 14:52:29


Schoolnight Sat 02-Nov-13 14:53:12

OK well this is good, because that's my gut reaction!

Helpyourself Sat 02-Nov-13 14:55:41

Gotta love the forthrightness of the answers so far. I agree with them OP!
The only caveat is that you should 'check in' with how you really feel about it. From what you write, I agree its a no brainier to keep quiet, but if its eating you up inside then reconsider.

Schoolnight Sat 02-Nov-13 15:00:47

It's not. If anything I've been more surprised at how easy it is, and it's almost like that's what's causing me worry.

scaevola Sat 02-Nov-13 15:04:50

There's always a possibility that 'grower' BF will find out about Second Man.

That is highly likely to end the relationship - for he will be discovering a capability to sustain a deception.

Owning up is a risk as well. But the benefit is that there is no Damoclean sword any more. And the consequences are no worse than those arising from accidental discovery.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 02-Nov-13 15:10:15

FFS... it's only a six month thing. The OP didn't owe the boyfriend unswerving loyalty from the first date. Yes, it may have been unwise to have two going at the same time but, assuming their paths won't easily cross, the risk of them finding out about each other is pretty low. Unlike the risk of gut-spilling... which will result in the boyfriend never trusting the OP again. No-brainer

JoinYourPlayfellows Sat 02-Nov-13 15:18:47

She didn't owe him unswerving loyalty from the first date, but she did owe him not cheating on him after she agreed to be exclusive.

I feel a bit sorry for him.

You weren't at all arsed about him in the beginning, you don't sound all that bothered now.

Why not give him a chance to find someone who is really into him, doesn't cheat on him and doesn't find it easy to tell him lies?

Schoolnight Sat 02-Nov-13 15:25:32

I think he's unlikely to find out, or at least not specifics.

Playfellows I am bothered now, that's why I'm questioning myself, and you can see from my original post that I am wondering if he needs this information so he can make an informed decision. But at the same time, I know he loves me, I know I make him happy, so why make him unhappy and wonder what he did wrong just in the name of honesty? It's not like it's going to happen again and I think there is something selfish about pouring out your guts if it's going to hurt someone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 02-Nov-13 15:43:02

Yes, it would be very selfish to unburden yourself. There's honesty and then there's relationship suicide. 'Least said, soonest mended'.

scaevola Sat 02-Nov-13 16:11:17

If she's found out, then he'll never trust her again either.

If it's in the 'well before we were exclusive, I did see someone else a bit, but that's long gone" need not be a relationship wrecker. Assuming that it was that casual and that it is definitely over, of course.

A discovery later down the line would be much harder to deal with. Ok, it might never happen. But OP is still left with the niggles that led to her posting. Only she can decide if his means the early days of the relationship were marred by the Second Man and if that does amount to a basic flaw (and the "don't tell it's a wrecker" approach suggests that from the BF's point of view it definitely is).

And of course now OP has discovered that lying to the main BF is surprisingly easy, whether she will be tempted to lie again if it seems easier at the time. Secrecy and lies can have a wise range of corrosive effects.

Mattissy Sat 02-Nov-13 16:59:46

Early on in my current relationship (about 6 months in) I got totally wrecked and slept with my ex (split up 9 months before after 6 years together). I regretted it and stayed quiet.

I'm now married with 2 children, we've been together 15 years. If I'd told him at the time it probably would've been the end, as it happens we're very happy and still very much in love. I doubt he'd care if I told him now tbh.

hotblacktea Sat 02-Nov-13 17:03:40

Did you use protection each time and get tested for STIs after ending it with the second man ? Your current bf has a right to know if he is at risk.

WaoFruityBananaCake Sat 02-Nov-13 17:11:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty Sat 02-Nov-13 17:21:39

Tell him

But in all honesty you've got to be prepared for him to dump you

You've been dishonest and you've two timed him...going back and forth between the two men.

Downgrading it to an 'early indiscretion', doesn't make you sound any less honest or respectful of his feelings I'm afraid.

StarlightMcKenzie Sat 02-Nov-13 17:29:26

Why hurt him to alleviate your own guilt?

If it's over and you're serious about the boyfriend and it is now inconsequential to you and therefore it is inconsequential to him.

You should only tell him if you're confused about it all and need to be honest to give your boyfriend a fair picture.

WorraLiberty Sat 02-Nov-13 17:34:22

If someone I was dating turned out to be fucking someone else, it most certainly wouldn't be inconsequential to me.

Of course it might turn out that the OP's boyfriend doesn't mind but he should at least be given the choice of continuing the relationship now or not.

The fact the OP's friends know about it means it could come out at any time in the future.

brokenhearted55a Sat 02-Nov-13 18:21:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brokenhearted55a Sat 02-Nov-13 18:22:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maypoledancer Sat 02-Nov-13 18:29:40

I would say nothing.

And I think the reason you don't feel bad about it is because it isn't and wasn't bad. You are reconciled to it because you didn't know your feelings for your bf would grow and nor could you know. So don't beat yourself up about not feeling guilt.

Why fuck up a nice new relationship? Everyone interesting has a past, you are committed to him now.

And watch out, I can feel a swarm of people telling you that he has a 'right to know' will be gathering sometime soon.

rainbowfeet Sat 02-Nov-13 18:39:36

No, don't say anything to him.

Concentrate on seeing how far this relationship will go. & if it doesn't work out then it won't be because you admitted this it will be because it's not meant to be. smile

Sparklysilversequins Sat 02-Nov-13 18:49:43

So you start seeing someone, you're not sure so you see other people too. You realise you like him so dump the others. By the logic on here you should then fall on your sword and confess all to him? As in "I've been seeing other people too but hey I have decided that YOU are the lucky winner, congratulations! Now let's ride off into the sunset".

Because you can never hear THAT enough can you? A promising relationship stopped in its tracks because you kept your options open before you even liked him. hmm

Or should we be approaching every single date we go on as a potential "keeper" and locking up our loins just in case HE'S The One?

Don't tell him. There's no reason to. I would assume that anyone I was "seeing" was seeing other people too until we had the exclusive conversation.

brokenhearted55a Sat 02-Nov-13 19:04:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now