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Need some sage advice.

(38 Posts)
HeartVHead Fri 01-Nov-13 19:39:52

DP and I had a contraceptive failure. I was at the end of my cycle and the condom split but because of my age I decided there was little chance I would get pregnant, but I am.

At the time of the 'accident' we discussed taking the MAP, we both thought there was little possibility of conception but when I asked DP what he would do if I did get PG he said he would be supportive. So on Monday I tested + after feeling 'off' for a few days and told him that the test was +. Between then and yesterday he called me (we live 40 miles or so apart and he was working and my kids are off school for half term so we could not see each other) and he asked me if I had stopped drinking and smoking and was eating right etc etc (I rarely drink and am an occasional social smoker) which led me to believe he was concerned about the baby's welfare.

Yesterday he came around and when the kids were in bed he dropped the bombshell that he wants me to have a termination. He has said that we had not been getting on great for a while which is true to an extent; we lived together but it was stressful as I am doing a course and have young children and he works in another city. He said he has lots on his plate; he has a big tax bill to pay and some other minor financial commitments. He said he is not ready for a baby now; he said before that he wanted us to be together and eventually have a child together (he has no children) but not at the moment.

I, meanwhile, am absolutely devastated. The timing is not perfect but the problems he has mentioned are not insurmountable in my book and if we don't have this baby now then when will we? He said maybe next year when I have finished my course and if we are getting a long better. I feel sick at the thought of terminating this pregnancy to then try for another baby in a years time.

I am not anti-abortion but I am the sort of person that if there is a problem I will try to find solutions and so, while I appreciate his perspective, it feels very much to me that his issues are a knee jerk reaction to this unexpected news and that he has told me what he has thought I wanted to hear for the past 3.5 years and that our relatioship has been built on untruths.

I have made an appointment to have counselling with Marie Stopes and a pre-assessment appointment next week but I just feel sick at the thought of agreeing to take tablets to abort a baby I very much want. That being said, I cannot do this on my own. I just can't. I married an alcoholic who was abusive and to all intents and purposes have brought up 3 kids on my own. From a selfish point of view, I want to be happy and find a life partner (I thought I had) and I cannot see how that would be possible if I have this baby. Even thinking that makes me very uncomfortable as it sounds like I want to end a life for my own selfish reasons.

Equally, I do not want to manipulate my DP into supporting me and fathering a child he does not want. I want him to want me, my kids and this baby. I know I will never forgive him if he does not change his mind though. It is just a lose:lose situation.

I am sorry this is so long but I really would appreciate the perspective of others as I can't seem to rationally think about this without sobbing. Another point to make is that I have terminated a pregnancy because of abnormality and I have moments where I struggle with that decision 17 years after the event.

Thank you for reading.

StealthPolarBear Fri 01-Nov-13 19:42:52

It is a tough situation but not lose:lose. I personally think you should not go through with terminating a child you want. If you wanted to terminate that would be a different matter.

RhondaJean Fri 01-Nov-13 19:44:28

You thought there was little risk of getting pregnant because of your age and yet he wants to have a baby at some point in the future?

I don't think he will every have children with you, if that is what you want. Meanwhile right now you are pregnant and the choice is with you as to what happens, but I think you need to factor him not being around into the decision either way.

Sorry you are in such a tough situation x

Doinmummy Fri 01-Nov-13 19:46:45

You poor thing. Is your DP absolutely sure about this or do you think he's just panicking. Would another talk together help?

Handywoman Fri 01-Nov-13 19:49:45

To me it sounds as thought there is still a lot to discuss: a lot of implications for your relationship either way. How much of our OP have you told him? I would try and talk, talk, and talk some more with him. Not very MNetty but (((hugs))) to you.

RegTheMonkey Fri 01-Nov-13 19:50:23

I'm sorry you are in this awful situation. But as Rhonda said - you thought your age was against you - does he know your age, if he does, how does he think that a baby might be an option sometime in the future?
I would only go ahead with this pregnancy if you are 100% sure you can raise the baby on your own, because he has made his feelings clear.

KippyVonKipperson Fri 01-Nov-13 19:56:45

Really sorry you are going through this, and that your partner has changed his mind in such a way that has put you in this situation.

I think going to see someone at Marie stopes is a really good plan. Also give yourself some time, he only told you this change of heart yesterday, so it's still a big shock. Take the pressure off yourself by saying you'll not think of finalising a decision until this time next week. Then reassess how you feel then. Once the shock has worn off it may be that you will work out a way of going it alone, or it could be that you resign yourself to a termination, but you need to take some pressure off yourself in order to come to those decisions.

I'm guessing if you terminate the pregnancy this relationship won't survive. Like you say, trying for a different baby in a year isn't what you want and knowing how he's treated you over this means your trust in him must be minimal. So I think you have two options: One - terminate the pregnancy and move on from this relationship. Or Two - go ahead with the pregnancy assuming he won't be involved, and look at any involvement as a bonus. If you chose the second option concentrate your energies into visualising a life with the new baby and your existing children and imagining the joys that will bring, rather than thinking about persuading him to stay with you and be a father etc. that way you will feel in control of the situation.

Really hope you find the strength to make the right decision for you and your family. I have a feeling from reading your OP that you are probably wanting to make the decision to keep the baby, if this is the case you need to start working through how this will work and how you can be happy in this decision.

Unlikelyamazonian Fri 01-Nov-13 20:30:13

Can you remember how he actually phrased it op?

Did he say 'I want you to have a termination' ?

How did he put it and how far into the conversation?


CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Nov-13 20:32:15

Whatever happens next I think it's 'adios DP'. If you have the termination you won't want to be with him any more, and if you keep the baby it doesn't sound like he'll want to be there for you. Do what you think is right for you therefore. Not an easy choice but best of luck.

HeartVHead Fri 01-Nov-13 20:33:00

RhondaJean and RegTheMonkey, yes, I am 40 (he knows my age and is 40 too). My youngest is 6 and I have put myself through quite a gruelling course to be able to provide for the children. I had thought if we were going to have children we would have started TTC by now given both our ages and the fact my kids are growing up but when the subject has come up he has said he does want kids but not now (then) ... sad

Doinmummy, I have emailed him my thoughts on the matter as I am not making much sense between sobs on the telephone and having to break from the conversation if my kids appear and we are going to talk tomorrow morning. I do not expect him to change his opinion though. He does not view this pregnancy in a positive light and has said that it has made him question his commitment to me and how if we have this baby 'it's game over for him' (in terms of his life as he knows it). He said if we were to have a baby he wants it to be when he is ready and it is planned and he 'doesn't want to have a child or be put in this position because a bit of latex broke'.

KVK, If I terminate the pregnancy the relationship won't survive but if I keep it it won't either. I suppose whether the relationship survives is irrelevent. I want something that is not going to happen (for him to have a change of heart) so I am not in the position of having to choose. I really cannot have this baby on my own. My kids are brilliant but they haven't had the best start and it is hard parenting them on my own without having a baby in the mix. I just don't know how I will go through with it.

Thank you SGB and Handywoman.

bubalou Fri 01-Nov-13 20:36:35

Didn't want to read and run, it seems like you have had some great advice already.

I do agree that you said about your age - if he isn't ready now then I don't think it's likely he will ever be.
We all know there is never really the 'right' time to have a baby, never enough money etc but we all make it work.

You do what you think is best for you and your family. smile

HeartVHead Fri 01-Nov-13 20:38:25

Unlikelyamazonian, We had conversations in the week. I had to tell work because I am exposed to radiation and I told him that. He asked about whether I was eating right and not smoking etc... Then he came over last night, we didn't talk about it while the kids were up, I made him dinner etc and then when the kids went to bed he wanted a cuddle so we led down on the sofa together, he nodded off, I said I was going to bed and he said 'This makes me uncomfortable, I am not sure about this', I said 'What do you want me to do?' and he said 'Have a termination'.

CES, Yes, I agree... I just cannot reconcile extinguishing a life that I would want in different circumstances at the moment.

bubalou Fri 01-Nov-13 20:39:50

Sorry just read your latest comments from him. He sounds like he is being a prick with the whole 'questions the relationship' thing and just reaks of pressuring you into an abortion you aren't sure you want.

Make sure your opinion is heard. Yes the condom split but were all adults and everyone knows there is a risk of that happening. If he was so insistent he would have made sure you took the map.

HeartVHead Fri 01-Nov-13 20:41:39

Thank you Bubalou. I agree. Given my age, if he wanted children with me then he would accept that this has happened sooner than expected but would be more positive about it. I think telling me we can try again next year is the sweetener to a bitter pill as he has not got the ability to be honest about his intentions.

Bigfingers Fri 01-Nov-13 20:42:58

It sounds like a nightmare, I'm so sorry for you this has happened. I'm sorry to say I agree that it sounds like your DP is not the one, and will not give you what you need either way. You have children already who need you, and if you really can't do it alone and be there for them too, I think they should be your priority. ((( )))

HeartVHead Fri 01-Nov-13 20:47:20

Bubalou, he did say 'You've got to take the MAP' and I said i didn't think it would be a problem and asked him what he would do if I was PG and he said, basically, he would man up (not in those words). He has since said he feels trapped etc...

HeartVHead Fri 01-Nov-13 20:49:59

Bigfingers, that is what I think too but it is just a horrible, horrible, horrible thing to do when it is not what you want. It is also complicated by the fact that I do not want to go to the hospital where they do terminations as I had my first termination there and it was a horrendous experience but also because I work there with the surgeons and anaesthetists. Feel so ashamed of the whole sorry tale.

Bigfingers Fri 01-Nov-13 21:11:00

HVH I know. I honestly don't think if I could do it myself, so I feel wrong saying it anyway: it is my worst nightmare. I do not want any more children (I cannot cope well with the three I have!!) but if I discovered I had got pg, I could not cope emotionally with a termination. The only way I could rationalise it and forgive myself would be to consider that I had done better by my other children. If you do not think you would ever be able to forgive yourself, don't do it and find another way.

bubalou Fri 01-Nov-13 21:22:30

So sorry heartvhead.

This is a big decision to make and I think despite all the advice you will get - you probably already know deep down which is the right decision.

However, some men just take time. Speak to him, really speak to him. If he's a typical man and refuses to then just let him know that you will not be making any decisions until it has been discussed properly!


Unlikelyamazonian Fri 01-Nov-13 21:49:32

How old are you and how old is he? sorry if you have answered this already.

HeartVHead Fri 01-Nov-13 21:56:53

Bigfingers, part of me thinks I could do it on my own as I have done before but then I just break down thinking of the compromises and sacrifices I and the children have made to do my course for them not to materialise. I am training to do a job that requires a high level of commitment and unsociable hours, the children have been in childcare from 6am to 8pm some days but they jolly me along because they know the reasons why. I just would not be able to do the hours or apply myself to the job properly if I had a baby and no support as if I screw up it could be the difference between life and death.

Bubulou, I am not sure of the point really in talking to him. I was hurt and said some unkind things (which were actually true) and he is now saying 'You are mad for wanting this baby with me, it is not rational. I am a practical man and terminating is the sensible thing to do'. Personally, I think he is afraid of us experiencing a similar loss to our first baby and has shut down emotionally. He would say 'No, absolutely not' if I suggested this though...

HeartVHead Fri 01-Nov-13 21:57:21

Unlikely, I am 40 very soon and he was 40 in the summer.

Shapechanger Fri 01-Nov-13 22:22:37

What a horrible situation. I've had a TOP, years ago, and it's not nice.

When you had the conversation about the split condom - the one where he said he would support you - how did you feel at the time? Did a little bit of you feel pleased, maybe secretly hope you would get pregnant? When you felt a bit 'off' and took the test, what did you want the result to be?

If you are both 40 you are right, if you wanted children you would be trying to have them, not postponing it.

Give yourself at least a week to think and for things to fall into place a bit.

You wouldn't have to have a TOP at the hospital where you work. You could easily go discreetly to a private clinic. If you've had to tell them at work that you are pg, they don't have to know if the pregnancy ended voluntarily or by accident.

Sleepyhoglet Fri 01-Nov-13 22:28:01

This might be your last chance. Are you prepared to never have another child?

Shapechanger Fri 01-Nov-13 22:34:40

No 'might' I don't think, hoglet. That's the other thing to consider... if you have a TOP you have to accept that you won't have more children.

What course are you doing, OP?

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