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Getting over an EA - sorry for long post.

(119 Posts)
KtemaL Mon 07-Oct-13 16:16:21

Hi, I'm new on here and have read a few other threads on this subject but am really struggling to move forward from my dh's EA.

Back in April I found emails between him and a woman who works for him arranging a lunchtime 'date'. At the time he swore it was just a drink, that he had felt uncomfortable with it and only stayed for one drink. However, I then found out that they'd been chatting online a lot. I'd been suspicious as he'd started playing a word game online and seemed obsessed with it - now I know why!

We decided to move forward and I thought things were going OK. However, in June I then found out, by looking at his texts, that he'd met up with her again (they still work together) and that during a boys day out at the races he'd spent most of the day texting her. When I asked him to restore his iphone messages (as he'd deleted all but the last one) he refused and admitted that they'd talked about taking things further i.e having sex but, again, swore that nothing had happened.

We went to one session of Relate but he didn't want to go back as he felt that it didn't do anything and that we were already doing everything suggested i.e date nights, checking in with regular texts etc and giving access to his emails and texts.

Again, I tried to move on and thought things were looking up. In August we went on holiday with our best friends and their children (we also have two). On the first day there I picked up his phone, totally innocently and saw an email he'd sent to her that morning from a Hotmail account I didn't know existed. It said that he'd had a great time on their 'day out' which turns out was the day before we flew on holiday. He said that she was beautiful and that he'd tried to kiss her but she'd rejected him!

I'm not proud of this but I ended up emailing her and telling her that unless she left the company I would tell her bf as I couldn't see any other way forward. After one text she threated me with a solicitors letter (via email and turns out it's a friend of hers) with a court injunction if I contacted her or her bf! She then went on to tell me that MY actions had left her so stressed she had to take time off sick and was on antidepressants.

I was devastated and obviously it totally ruined our holiday (and that of our friends). Since then, I've found out that they went out 5 or so times and that they did kiss (twice) at a work event where they were both drunk but he insists nothing else happened and that he regrets it and wants to be with me and to move on.

She also reported this to my dh's boss and insinuated he'd been sexually harassing her, apparently also on the advice of her solicitor friend!! When the boss suggested they retrieve all emails between them to establish the facts etc she retracted the letter and said she would look for another job.

Basically, I don't know if I'm coming or going. It's been about 8-9 weeks since I found out but I still cry a lot and feel sick whenever I think about it. I just can't trust him and question everything. She still works there and on his first day back in the office she tried to contact him via their office IM and asked how he was etc. He didn't respond and told her verbally he didn't want any communication with her expect for work emails but it's certainly not ideal as he sees her every day, she reports to him and I see constant emails from her (albeit work related).

He won't go to counselling and although he is making an effort I just don't know if it's enough. I know it wasn't sexual (or at least I'm pretty sure it wasn't) but to me it feels as though he kept choosing her over me (and our family) even though he knew how much it would hurt me.

How do I move forward? Will I ever trust him again? Any suggestions??

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 16:28:06

You move forward by getting angry with the right person.... him. He married you, not her. He promised love and fidelity, not her. He's the one that's been lying, sneaking around and hiding all this stuff knowing it would hurt you. He's the one that's been changing his story, promising it's all over. Going after the other woman was not smart.

KtemaL Mon 07-Oct-13 16:32:11

Yes, I agree - I know that it wasn't my finest move but I wasn't thinking rationally at the time. I am angry with him, unbelievably angry and think that's what's stopping me from moving forward.

I think there's also a bit of plain old jealousy in there too because, clichéd as it sounds, she's 25 (to my 40), long blonde hair, great figure, no kids etc etc.

JustBecauseICan Mon 07-Oct-13 16:33:44

How do you know she contacted him against his will and he told her verbally not to do it again? How do you know he wasn't "sexually harassing" her?

You don't, is the short answer. But you are hurt and are looking to make out he couldn't help himself and was virtually coerced by this harridan of a woman.

Deep down of course you know that's bollocks right?

I'd not be trusting a word that came out of his lying scumbag mouth myself.

You need to deal with him and you need to leave her alone.

I'm not surprised she threatened you with legal action. You were blackmailing her for fuck's sake. You are lucky she took it no further.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 16:35:28

It's not your anger stopping you moving forward, it's the inaction. Nothing has materially changed...

KtemaL Mon 07-Oct-13 16:37:47

I know and totally agree it wasn't the right thing to do.

I know because I've seen emails and texts from her which show that she was totally willing - she often started the texts/emails and she's tried to contact him since we came back from holiday.

I'm not blaming her - you're right that it's him who should be faithful to me. She doesn't owe me anything etc etc but it's just so hard when they still work together every day.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 07-Oct-13 16:41:04

Why won't he go to counselling?.

Forget this OW, what about him?. Has he taken full responsibility for his actions. He has not.

He won't go to counselling I daresay because he will then have to take full responsibility for his actions.

No trust - no relationship to my mind. Do you at heart think you and this man have any sort of future at all now?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 16:41:30

That's what I mean about inaction. He's in the same office, he won't go to counselling, he says they don't talk any more hmm, all very convenient. Seems to be same old, same old as far as he's concerned - no real consequences - whereas your life has been holed below the water-line, and you're hamstrung thinking you should 'get over it'.

Ilovebreakfast Mon 07-Oct-13 16:42:58

I understand your anger. Don't stress re the ow. Let get go and focus on the state if your marriage. Your dh has behaved very badly. Do you want to be with someone who lies and continues to lies even when caught. Cares more about getting it on with a 25 year old than respecting and caring for his wife and all those shared experiences.
You deserve better.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 07-Oct-13 16:43:09

He just wants you to shut up about it.

He's not sorry he did it.

He'll probably do it again.

He won't do counselling because he can't be bothered and isn't prepared to do the work it would take to rebuild your marriage.

When he talks about wanting to "move on" he means that he wants YOU to move on and let him go back to the way things were before.

You're right - he kept choosing her over you and your kids because he fundamentally thought he had a right to this dalliance and to lie to you and he still does.

He's only sorry he was caught.

Ilovebreakfast Mon 07-Oct-13 16:44:05

What is your dh doing to fix this? He should be on his knees doing everything he can to repair his marriage and build your trust. He isn't doing much at all.

JustBecauseICan Mon 07-Oct-13 16:44:25

You've seen the emails and messages from her to him.....have you seen the ones going in the other direction? Is he as willing to show you those? Where he's telling her to back off, and not contact him....Oh, no, they were only verbal weren't they. How convenient.

Get angry OP. Get bloody angry.

Then get him out.

(I wouldn't be believing for a nanosecond there was no sex either)

Wellwobbly Mon 07-Oct-13 16:47:08

'The Unified Theory of Cake' -

KtemaL Mon 07-Oct-13 16:47:21

He says he doesn't think counselling will fix anything. To be fair to him (not sure why I should be but..) when I told him the other day that I was considering going on my own anyway he said he would come. I'm just waiting for an appointment but he hasn't said any more about it and I'm not convinced he'll go/engage with it if I force him to go.

He can't leave his job as he's pretty senior there and we have money tied up in the business. Even though her bf gave her an ultimatum that she had to leave it hasn't happened and I don't know if she will so feels like we're stuck in a vicious circle.

Problem is, he says all the right things but he said it all before when he was carrying on with it so, for me, it comes down to a trust thing. Does anyone have experience of getting that back with time?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 16:49:00

Do you blame yourself on some level for this? Feel responsible for his behaviour?

noddyholder Mon 07-Oct-13 16:50:33

He is getting it all his own way here. I think you should go to counselling without him. The outcome may surprise you (and him hopefully) He sounds an arse and very selfish.

JustBecauseICan Mon 07-Oct-13 16:50:37

Has he said sorry? Is he contrite? Has he said it won't happen again? Has he said it was wrong? Has he said why it went on after it was supposed to have stopped?

He is right. Counselling won't fix anything because he doesn't want to.

KtemaL Mon 07-Oct-13 16:51:01

No that's one thing I won't do! Our relationship had got a bit jaded - nothing major just caught up with kids, work, renovating a home - and we'd realised that and were 'making an effort'. That was back at the start of the new year.

Seems his 'making an effort' involved flirting with a 25 year old...

KtemaL Mon 07-Oct-13 16:53:06

JustbecauseIcan - sorry cross posted. He does say he's sorry and that he can't believe he's done this to us and regrets it etc. he says it happened purely because we were not having a great time and that he was just totally flattered by her attention etc.

He's also said that because it wasn't sexual he kept trying to convince himself it wasn't an affair and therefore wasn't as bad and that he buried his head in the sand.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 07-Oct-13 17:04:04

But it WAS sexual - they were talking about having sex and snogging at work functions.

He KNEW it was out of order, and he KNEW it was upsetting you, and he KNEW he was telling you barefaced lies repeatedly and he kept doing all those things because he wanted to.

Because he fancied her and he wanted to shag her and he wasn't prepared to have you stop him from having his fun.

KtemaL Mon 07-Oct-13 17:12:25

JoinYourPlayfellows - I agree with everything you said. Just hard to face the truth when the outcome of that would have such massive consequences.

At the moment I think I want to try and move forward and see if we can make this work but just don't know if I will ever trust him again or forgive him for this. I suppose I wanted to hear that someone else out there had been in a similar situation and had managed to move on and how they'd done that. After all, people do 'get over' much worse than this??

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 07-Oct-13 17:16:57

Plenty of people have recovered from affairs, both emotional and physical, but not normally with a spouse as obviously unrepentant as your husband.

It's not really YOU that has to move on here.

You were not party to this betrayal, to this fun time he has been granting himself at your expense.

You were a passive victim of his lies and selfishness.

And he intends for you to suffer more for his affair by placing the entire burden of dealing with this onto you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 17:19:10

Plenty do and you'll find quite a few threads. But the reason they carry on after an affair is that the cheating partner is totally open and honest, takes full responsibility for their actions, engages completely in therapies and counselling and is proactive in all kinds of other ways. Even then the other partner has had to be extremely understanding and even several years on, is never so trusting again. Lying, a quick 'sorry' and followed by 'let's move on' ... not a hope in hell.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 07-Oct-13 17:25:49

Is it the money holding you back? Senior in the business, a lot of money tied up and you've renovated a house.... Lifestyle would suffer if you split. It's a reasonable hurdle.

KtemaL Mon 07-Oct-13 17:30:19

I know I sound really superficial but it is definitely a consideration - not because of the house etc but because it would mean taking our children out of their independent schools which they absolutely adore and are doing brilliantly at. It makes me so angry that because of his decisions that's a possible outcome.

However, first and foremost it's because, as pathetic as it makes me sound, I still love him. Our children would be devastated if we split and the repercussions on our families etc would also be devastating.

If only life was as simple as kicking him out and moving on!!

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