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Need some serious advice

(58 Posts)
asianguy123 Fri 27-Sep-13 08:09:25

Ok...So first of all I am Asian and our values are different than the western way (in no way superior or inferior).

I am 24 and never had a gf (Not due to lack of opportunities). I have known a girl from a year or so who's been in 1 relationship for 2 years. After the relationship broke off,she has had casual intimacy(everything except sex) with a very good friend of hers. She tells me she is a virgin and has not gone too far even when both the guys pressurized her and she is completely honest with me.(This is something I really respect). I am also a virgin so no double standards here.

Here are the problems :

1) She got used by her first bf who lured her into marrying her when he just wanted to have it with her. She still has some feelings for her. Do women really get over their first love/first kiss and stuff ? She still remembers poems and stuff he used to write for her which I find pretty immature.

2) I really have a problem with the second guy. The fact that she had some intimate time with him when she knew they don't have a future eats me up. How can she be so casual. She tells that he initiated every time which I don't believe completely. This second guy also made all their stuff public.

3) She is completely honest and transparent with me and regrets everything. But,when we were in our initial phase of our relationship,she felt she had done nothing wrong. It's just when I made her realise some things,she felt she had committed some mistakes. She did have a lot of growing up to do but I cant just forgive her for being immature. I know what she's done before has nothing to do with me,but she is very much emotionally attached to the second guy who was kind of a rebound guy for her. She also once told she remembers all the good time she has spent with this second guy which means this second guy really rocked her life for a year or so.

4) I have heard the capacity to emotionally bond decreases as the number of partners increases. Will she ever be emotionally attached to me and get over all the physical and emotional stuff ? I have all the confidence in the world to rock her world but after every few weeks,I break down as all the mental pictures eat me up.

I don't want to let go off this otherwise wonderful relationship and an honest girl for my own dogmas of life. I know she is kind hearted and brave enough to tell me everything honestly.

callamia Fri 27-Sep-13 08:17:26

You need to stop listening to nonsense. There is a fair amount of psychobabble hiding in here that you need to get a hold of. The capacity to form emotional bonds has absolutely ZERO to do with the number of partners, friends, pets, whatever that you've ever had. The simple fact here, is that I think you feel jealous of her past experiences and don't know how to handle them.

It is perfectly possible to have enjoyable experiences with other men, and then be happy with someone else. I don't think awfully of (all of) my ex-boyfriends - some of them I remember fondly - but I'm still extremely happily married. Our past experiences make us who we are, and someone who is able to remember good things about past relationships suggests to me that this is a woman who has a very healthy attitude towards others. It's not immature to remember that someone did something nice for you - it's healthy to hold happy memories.

Do you think that you're really in a place where you can offer yourself as good relationship material? Perhaps you have some things that you need to think about first?

ITCouldBeWorse Fri 27-Sep-13 08:19:19

Just to clarify, your girlfriend has been married, but has not had intercourse, so you classify her as a virgin, although she has been physically intimate?

You are a virgin and find it difficult to accept that she has some experience?

She is now divorced?

You mention different values, are there other cultural pressures from families?

To be honest, your op is all about how you can accept the things she has done wrong, which sounds like the basis for a very unbalanced and unequal relationship to me.

SirSugar Fri 27-Sep-13 08:20:30

I can assure you that the capacity to emotionally bond decreases as the number of partners increases is utter rubbish.

Trust and Respect of each other make for a fulfilling and harmonious relationship

Somethingtothinkabout Fri 27-Sep-13 08:21:12

I think you need to get ever it, everyone has a past. He you can't handle hers, then let her go find people who can. You won't be able to undo what she has done before.

You sound like you would constantly be throwing her past back in her face to put her down and make her feel less worthy of you. That's cruel.

Somethingtothinkabout Fri 27-Sep-13 08:22:10


CailinDana Fri 27-Sep-13 08:23:09

In my eyes she has done nothing wrong and you are the immature one. I would advise her not to get with someone who has such complicated views as she will be forever justifying herself to you. Let her go and find someone else who fits your criteria.

Hassled Fri 27-Sep-13 08:29:35

You really have to let this jealousy go - because if things don't work out with this girl, your attitude will affect any future relationships as well.

She hasn't been immature; she's been a normal, nice sounding girl who has had some relationships in the past. And that's absolutely fine. It certainly won't make any difference to how she feels about you; I was married before to a nice man who I am still friendly with, but that will never affect how much I love the man I'm married to now. We both moved on.

Spottybra Fri 27-Sep-13 08:29:51

I'm sorry but I think you're in the wrong here. As far as I understand
1)she has been married, therefore you accept that a degree of intimacy has occurred in that relationship.
2) for whatever reason her marriage broke down and she found a way to rebuild her confidence and self esteem with another man.
3) you're now trying to destroy her self esteem by telling her this was wrong?

Does the fact that she has some sexual experience and therefore expectations make you feel insecure?

For further information, nothing is as attractive and wonderful as a man who loves you for who you are, who tells you that you are the most beautiful woman he has ever seen and makes you laugh. Value her and she will value you back. Just let her past go and see her for who she is.

Fairenuff Fri 27-Sep-13 08:30:03

Would you mind saying how old she is? I am surprised that she is a virgin if she has been married, unless she was married very young?

asianguy123 Fri 27-Sep-13 08:43:18

She is 24 only and not married. Just that she had a relationship with a guy for 3 years. (2 and a half years out of it was long distance).

Lweji Fri 27-Sep-13 08:48:06

So, she had two bfs.

One wanted to marry her.

The second guy was a rebound, but she's still emotionally attached to him?
It doesn't sound like a rebound.

You can just about forgive her for being immature, because she has made some mistakes (in your view, even though she initially didn't think they were).
She is 24, so not a young girl.

She doesn't seem that into you.

asianguy123 Fri 27-Sep-13 09:02:34

@Lweji......She is into me and always tells how I have changed her life and I have built moral standards in her and stuff. The other day I spoke about breaking it off as I was really angry and she was like she is ready to do anything for me. She has broken complete contact with those 2 guys. She is also ready to struggle with me to build a better future. But, I am unable to handle her past at times. Maybe I have some growing up to do. Any tips ?

claraschu Fri 27-Sep-13 09:04:02

Not sure about the cultural perspective. I guess I am reacting as our culture has evolved to make me react:

1)People don't forget their first kiss. If they are lucky, they remember it as a good moment. A new more serious relationship would never be threatened by memories of past lovers.
2)There is nothing wrong about anything which happens behind closed doors between consenting adults who are having a good time.
3)You are making her feel guilty about something she enjoyed which hurt no one, and you are looking down on her. You seem jealous, and this inequality seems like a bad foundation for a relationship.
4)The strength of a bond has nothing to do with previous partners. It sounds to me like you need to grow up a lot, and maybe have a few relationships ourself.

TheVermiciousKnid Fri 27-Sep-13 09:06:11

I was really angry and she was like she is ready to do anything for me

Whoa! I hope for her sake that that's the end of your relationship. That sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic.

She hasn't actually done anything wrong and I don't think she sounds particularly immature.

claraschu Fri 27-Sep-13 09:06:34

I think your moral standards sound simple minded, judgemental, and not very kind really.

TheVermiciousKnid Fri 27-Sep-13 09:11:23

Did you post about this a couple of months ago? I remember a very similar thread.

She has done nothing wrong, stop trying to make her feel guilty.

You have 'built moral standards in her'? hmm You are not approaching this relationship on an equal and respectful basis. Let her go.

OcadoSubstitutedMyHummus Fri 27-Sep-13 09:14:59

You can't forgive her?

You have built moral standards in her?

You were really angry?

She needs to change for you?

She dated two guys before she met you, she didn't murder your family. There is NOTHING for you to forgive, her moral standards sound great and she does not need to change.

Op I'm sorry to say you sound jealous, immature and controlling. If she were my friend I'd be telling her that unless YOU (ie the OP) were to really change attitude around these points, to run like the wind.

AnyFucker Fri 27-Sep-13 09:18:49

You sound like a text book abuser

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 27-Sep-13 09:20:09

"She...regrets everything. But,when we were in our initial phase of our relationship,she felt she had done nothing wrong. It's just when I made her realise some things,she felt she had committed some mistakes."

NO. This is totally and utterly wrong and you are harming her by trying to change her moral code.

I'm sorry, but it doesn't matter what culture you are from, this is never okay. If you got into a relationship with an axe murderer it is not okay (or advisable!) to try and convince them that murdering is wrong - (okay in this instance you'd probably report them to the police, so slightly ridiculous example - but anyway)

You have different underlying morals. You are not compatible. You do not have the right to try and change her morals, she is not wrong for feeling and having done as she has done.

What you should do about it depends - do you feel your views are harmful and wish to change them? In which case I would seriously consider looking at programmes for men who feel the need to control their partners - this might sound over the top, but this is what you are doing. Or do you feel you are in the right here? In which case you should leave her and find someone who shares your values truly, not by being coerced.

And no, past relationships have absolutely no effect on how deeply one can feel for subsequent partners. In fact in my experience it is the opposite.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 27-Sep-13 09:21:24

Why on earth is it YOUR place to explain to her where she went wrong, to even decide she's WRONG for having intimacy with others when she wasn't even with you?

You sound like an abuser in the making. Please, please put any thoughts of relationships with anyone till you have grown up a bit!

Theenormouscrocodile Fri 27-Sep-13 09:27:21

Absolutely agree with Any. If I were your girlfriend, I'd be running for the hills very very fast and not looking back.

Thistledew Fri 27-Sep-13 09:27:53

Ask yourself this question:

"How will making my girlfriend feel bad about things in her past that she cannot change make her happier, our relationship stronger and help us be more loving and respectful to each other?"

It is always a complete waste of energy to look back to the past and wish things had been different. If you have not yet learnt this about yourself and in relation to relationships with other people then you need to take some time to grow up and develop as a person before you enter a relationship.

Sparklysilversequins Fri 27-Sep-13 09:28:53

"I can't forgive her for being immature".

That sentence is actually really scary. You've shamed her for being a normal young girl. I find your post and views very worrying and I hope that she wakes up soon and realises how abusive you are.

Lizzabadger Fri 27-Sep-13 09:29:07

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