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SIL - did you mean to be so rude?!

(78 Posts)
HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 22-Sep-13 00:19:13

Long - but makes sense. I think grin

I started a thread not so long ago, wondering if I was being really lazy by going to sleep during the day, while my 10 week old DS slept. Mainly because my SIL kept telling me how 'she never went back to sleep when her DD napped' sick face

ANYWAY...we went to a Shake, Rattle and Roll class on Friday morning. It came up in conversation that I was feeling a little under the weather, tired, etc. I said that I was going to go to the Dr's as my Mum, my Aunt and my first cousin all have under active thyroids, so thought I should get it ruled out.

And she said something along the lines of the following: "well, no offense, but when you go to sleep during the day and don't get out and about then you're bound to feel like shit."

I was a little stunned at first but managed to say that I wasn't the same as her and regardless, I did go out most days. To which she replied "Yes, well you only walk to the village and back". (The village is about a 10 minute brisk walk away, I go to do my errands, post office, chemist, shops etc, and then come back home. I'm out for between 30-60 mins almost every day).

Our conversation was halted anyway and then the topic got changed. She then text me later in the evening saying she didn't mean to be awful, she was just trying to be helpful and give advice. I said I knew she wasn't being awful and that everyone has their own opinion and way of doing things.

To which she replied "Good, but getting out is good, especially for DS"

It quite upset me because as a new Mum to a 12 week old, I already feel like the things I do are perhaps not good enough. I should be singing to him more, talking to him more, playing with toys more, etc. For example: I was changing his bum at 5am the other morning and was half asleep distracted but the thought ran through my mind "you should be talking to him".

I don't know why it has bothered me so much. Why she bothers me so much; why I let her. I do go out almost every day with DS, not to the park or anything but bloody hell he is 3 months! hmm I guess it just reverberated my fears that I'm not doing enough with him.

Don't know why I've posted here actually, I just needed to get it out I suppose. sad

MairzyDoats Sun 22-Sep-13 00:21:42

At 5am you shouldn't be talking to him, you want to keep it calm and quiet so that after a bum change he (hopefully) settles back to sleep!

Ignore ignore ignore her. We all have different ways of doing things and if he's healthy and happy then you're doing fine.

CharlieB30 Sun 22-Sep-13 00:24:35

Water off a sucks back. Ignore and don't take it owrs

thistlelicker Sun 22-Sep-13 00:26:05

Isn't it a recommendation to rest when baby rests? Otherwise when do u catch up on sleep? Are
U bf? Because being the sole feeder
Can exhaust u! Just
Do what u are
Doing! You are learning! Your the mummy u know your baby!

bunchoffives Sun 22-Sep-13 00:26:07

Is she concerned that you need to get out? Are you feeling ok? Babies don't really need to go out confused and only talk when you want your DS to be awake as MD said.

You sound like you're really doing great. If you think what your doing is ok.... then it is! End Of. grin

lookingfoxy Sun 22-Sep-13 00:26:48

At 5am all my 13 week old gets is a raised eyebrow from me.
All they need is some tickles and cuddles during the day, I tried to give mine a toy and she just whacked herself with it.
I'm sure your doing absolutely fine.

CharlieB30 Sun 22-Sep-13 00:28:08

Stupid phone!

Water of a ducks back! Ignore as much as poss, your doing a great job with your dd I'm sure.

People are so quick to give their opinion when you become a mum, it's like they have a right. Unfortunately you have just got to learn to brush it off and believe you are doing what's best.

BillyGoatintheBuff Sun 22-Sep-13 00:30:39

Do not let anyone undermine your confidence, perhaps you should be up front and say that she is making you feel like you are doubting yourself. It is the worst thing for a new mum! You should follow your own instincts. She probably did things differently - well thats fine too, but she shouldn't be criticising you all the time.

Madlizzy Sun 22-Sep-13 00:32:12

Opinions are like arseholes - everyone has one. I'm with the rest when your baby rests camp and ignore your SIL. You're going to be tired as you have a very small baby, and that is normal. Take no notice of her.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 22-Sep-13 00:40:55

thistle - I'm not BF, no. 3 day labour, grade 1 EMCS and was pretty much unconscious for the first 12 hours of his life and then spent the next 12 throwing up. sad But he is thriving.

BillyGoat - you're right, that is how it is making me feel. I already feel really guilty about the fact I didn't BF (he has feeding problems and eczema) and thinking if I had tried harder maybe he would be okay, or at least better.

lookingfoxy - that's my usual attitude! grin just this doubting thing is starting to get to me.

My DS is such a happy baby and smiles and laughs every day.

Guess I just need to brush it off.

zippey Sun 22-Sep-13 00:52:55

I think SIL was trying to be helpful, but in doing so, was unhelpful. I agree to ignore. As long as you think you are doing ok, that's all that matters, but it is hard when doubts creep in.

I think most parents do some things well, and other things not so well.

thistlelicker Sun 22-Sep-13 00:54:59

U know your baby is thriving!!! That's you being his mummy that's done that!! By nurturing him and loving him!!!! Doesn't matter how u feed him. As Long as your happy
With feeding that's all that matters !!! Next time you see her thank her for her opinions but u will raise
Your son the way u see fit!!!!

Andthanks and congrats on ur baby :-)

cleopatrasasp Sun 22-Sep-13 01:01:43

You sound lovely and a great mum and she sounds like an absolute cow.

I have to say though that there is no-one who would think they could talk to me like that - and I have a lot of friends, family etc. You perhaps need to work on a bit of frostiness so people don't think they can offer you rude, unwanted opinions. You are an adult and can live your life as you please as long as you aren't hurting anyone else!

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 22-Sep-13 01:02:09

Thank you thistle grin

Being a new parent is so daunting and it seems like everyone is happy to give you advise on the things they think you're doing wrong (or not the way they did it) but don't bother with encouragement or praise.

Such is life!

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 22-Sep-13 01:07:56

Cleo - she is the only person who I've not really stood up to with my usual force. And that is because she is batshit.

Well, my DP and MIL have told me so. Apparently she has always been of the opinion that she is always right regardless.

I did text her back saying she upset me a bit and I hope she didn't think I wasn't doing my best and she bloody hit the roof!

Said she would keep her mouth shut and not ask me to do nice things or even see her and my niece anymore. Really blew it out of proportion. Said I was giving her agro. shock

Just one of those people really.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 22-Sep-13 01:22:08

Well, doesn't her response just say it all - if someone txted me saying what I had said had upset them, I would reiterate my apology about 'not meaning to be awful', not throw my toys out of the pram. She obvs doesn't think your opinion counts for anything against 'the great I Am's' !
Incidentally, if DS is bottle fed and has eczema, have you considered trying a milk-free formula - Nutramigen or such like - worth a word with GP/HV. And carry on napping during the day when DS sleeps BTW - best use of that time, IMO!

AgentZigzag Sun 22-Sep-13 01:23:08

On the face of it I got the impression she was saying it in a caring way, and even with hitting the roof she still could have meant it like that.

That she'd been thinking about it enough to apologise to you, and then for you to say it'd had the opposite effect to the one she'd planned must have hurt.

But when it comes down to it, it's not for her to comment on what you're doing with your lovely baby unless you specifically ask.

She'll calm down given time, and hopefully she'll have got the message and keep her trap shut when you meet up again.

ZenGardener Sun 22-Sep-13 01:49:45

Tell her to butt out!

You're doing a great job. It's not easy being a new mum and finding your rhythm.

For what it's worth, when my twins were born I often took them for a walk to the nearby shopping mall (about 20 minutes). I'd buy something to eat, take them to the feeding room and walk home.

12 week olds don't need a lot of stimulation, they don't need to go to baby groups. It's perfectly fine to take a nap with them in the afternoon.

Mojavewonderer Sun 22-Sep-13 07:03:55

Ignore the silly woman! If she wants to wear herself into the ground then let her.
Nap when the baby naps, this is actually very important as a sleep deprived mum will be a moody mum ;)
Your trip to the village is ideal because it's short and sweet. Your baby is getting plenty of fresh air and so are you.
It sounds to me like you are doing a fab job and are totally on top of it all.
Just enjoy your baby. This stage doesn't last long and children are only lent to us smile

WF Sun 22-Sep-13 07:12:10

Of course you should nap during the day! I nap and I haven't even got a baby!

I did breastfeed both of mine. For a year. They both still have excema. Cut yourself some slack. You sound like you're doing really well. Agree with being coolish as she sounds like she needs to get the message that her 'advice' is not welcome. Alternatively, next time, say in a super-smiley kind if way 'we all have our different ways of parenting don't we...' And then quickly topic change... 'Isn't the weather turning chilly these days'.

gretagrape Sun 22-Sep-13 07:37:41

My SIL was telling me that I should be playing with my son when he was 3 weeks old and asking me why I was always putting him back to sleep.

After she'd destroyed my confidence once too often, I quickly perfected the "mmm that's an interesting idea" face while thinking "what a fruitloop" - avoids the drama then as she gets to voice her expert opinions and I get to ignore them.

MrsWolowitz Sun 22-Sep-13 07:46:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Damnautocorrect Sun 22-Sep-13 07:51:32

Sounds like your getting out and doing more than I ever did with mine at that age.
She's being abit silly and very rude. Babies really really don't 'need' to be out and about at that age. They need love milk and sleep that's pretty much it.
What works for one doesn't another, she's no better for not sleeping during the day, snooze away and remember your probably a happy mummy for it.

Finola1step Sun 22-Sep-13 07:55:43

Goodness me. Your baby is just 3 months old. You're doing a great job. You are getting out and about each day, napping when baby sleeps (very beneficial, do it as long as you can). It took me a good 4-5 months to feel back on my feet again after my ds was born.

There's no harm making an appointment to see your GP esp as there is a history of thyroid problems in your family.

It sounds like a bit of distance between you and SIL is required. Do you have a children's centre in a nearby town that you could take your ds to once a week for a class or group. Might be a good idea to find a weekly activity that you do together that does not involve SIL and your niece do that you can work on building up your own social group of mum friends. Or a leisure centre for Jelly Babies swim or equivalent.

KookyKitty Sun 22-Sep-13 07:58:14

Like all the others say ignore her.

You sound like a brilliant mum doing a really great job.

I didn't get out the house until 6 weeks!

My DD is four months old, it's only now I'm getting the confidence to trust my instincts and do what I think is right. I think a lot of new mums worry like you do about not doing enough, or not doing it the correct way etc.

Just carry on doing what you're doing and try not to listen to what anyone else says.

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