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I cheated

(38 Posts)
SoopafreakSoopafreak Mon 16-Sep-13 08:30:48

I was with exDp for 4 years, 1 ds. He was EA throughout our relationship and treated me very badly. I left and he was happy about that. I started a new relationship a few months later with a lovely man, treats me brilliantly and I love him. But I had sex with my ex. He'd been trying to get me back for a few weeks and I caved. I have no idea why I done this, I immediately regretted it. It's not an excuse but I was drunk, he wasn't. Now exDp is threatening to tell new bf. New bf would def end things and I would be completely gutted. I really don't want to tell him. What do I do? I know I've been a complete bitch.

maleview70 Mon 16-Sep-13 08:37:31

Personally I would tell the new partner.

I would say

"look you really are going to hate me for this and infill deserve that hate but........"

It may also be an indication that you are not ready for a
new relationship.

I would also say that to the new guy. Apologise and leave it with him to make the decision.

As you have no idea what your ex has been up to since you split, I would also get an STI test done if you didn't use a condom.

Next time never be anywhere with him when had too much to drink.

VoiceofUnreason Mon 16-Sep-13 08:47:13

I hate the "It's not an excuse but I was drunk" line. Because you ARE trying to use it as an excuse. And if you are the sort that loses total control in that way, you probably shouldn't drink to that extent. Because if you really love someone else and he treats you brilliantly, you don't put yourself in the position where you shag your ex, sorry, you just don't.

I think it almost 100% certain your ex will spill the beans. He is an emotional abuser and will get off on the fact that he has ruined your new relationship - he won't care whether he gets you back or not. He now knows he still has some power or control over you. In another couple of months, get you drunk, he'll shag you again.

I don't agree with the often-held view by some MNers that people should keep quiet about one-offs like this. How do you know a condom was used if you were so drunk? You may pass something on to this lovely man you have cheated on and that would be appalling.

Your ex will tell this guy and then it will be over. Your only chance is if you come clean, and 100% clean, and give your lovely new guy the space to decide what he wants to do. He may still want nothing more to do with you. I wouldn't. But it should be his choice.

And hopefully you'll learn to appreciate the next lovely man that comes across and you'll think a bit more of them and of yourself to cheat on them.

KnockMeDown Mon 16-Sep-13 09:20:39

VoiceofUnreason never was a name more inaccurate............

OP, Voice's post may appear harsh, but sometimes the truth hurts. I would take in and digest what she has said............

SoopafreakSoopafreak Mon 16-Sep-13 09:31:05

It was very, very hard to read but I completely accept what has been said. I am absolutely disgusted with myself. Firstly for doing this to new bf and secondly for being so stupid. This all happened a few months ago at the beginning of my new relationship and I've been living with this horrible guilt since. ExDp has only yesterday said he's going to tell bf because I wouldn't sleep with him last week and he's angry about that.

FridaKarlov Mon 16-Sep-13 09:54:30

Tell your new bf everything immediately as your horrible ex WILL tell. By the way, attempting to coerce you into sex is sexual abuse.

SoopafreakSoopafreak Mon 16-Sep-13 10:29:13

I hate myself for all of this.

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 16-Sep-13 10:33:14

It's shit but I'd tell your current partner. He deserves to know and make a decision based on the truth. Agree with the drunk thing being a bit ridiculous. if you can't trust yourself when you're drunk then don't get drunk...especially around your ex.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Mon 16-Sep-13 10:38:18

Please don't hate yourself.

If you've already had one EA relationship, there's a high chance there are some self-esteem issues you should deal with and explore what attracts you to people who treat you like shit. Linked to you treating yourself like shit.

Maybe step away from all relationships for a while until you've worked through some of those areas. Counselling is excellent but there are other online resources if that's not an option.

Please forgive yourself. You made a mistake, coiffed by some fuckwit that knows how to manipulate you. You didn't murder a puppy or break the Stock Exchange.

Good luck, I wish you happiness and healing.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Mon 16-Sep-13 10:38:47

Coiffed?? co-erced!

meditrina Mon 16-Sep-13 10:54:11

I think that your XP will either tell your new DP, or will keep threatening you (possibly to coerce you into a repeat, or just to hurt you). And that restricts the realistic choices to telling XP to publish and be damned, or deciding to tell DP yourself.

Hard thought it is, your decision is whether it is better for DP to hear from you, or to hear from XP. if you tell him, you can decide the circumstances, what you say and will be able to gauge whether there is anything you can do to persuade him you are worth another chance. An honest and full confession, plus true remorse, might stand a slim chance of making reconciliation possible. If XP tells him, all bets are off.

I suggest as well that you need to look more carefully at why you let XP into your life enough that he was able to make an attempt at all, and also the reasons why you had sex with him. If you stay, as you say in OP, not knowing why, then there is the chance you will remain vulnerable to him and this in turn may harm both your self esteem and your capacity in future to form a healthy relationship. Counselling may help you explore these questions.

SoopafreakSoopafreak Mon 16-Sep-13 11:34:21

I can't help but hate myself, I've made a horrible, horrible mistake and Dp is so lovely, he doesn't deserve this. Despite what I've done to him I really do love him.

ownbrand Mon 16-Sep-13 12:35:36

What were the circumstances that led to you being around him when you were drunk ?

What were the circumstances last week where you wouldnt sleep with him ?

SoopafreakSoopafreak Mon 16-Sep-13 12:43:24

I was out with friends and he turned up at mine after I got home. He knew I was out through Facebook (I know) this was in no way invited, he just appeared. I got a bit emotional and started to shout at him and tell him how much he had effected me. I was crying. Made him leave after and I felt sick to my stomach.

Last week I text him to tell him that he forgot to give me ds jacket back and he said he would drop it off after work (finished at 11pm) he did not come into my house but started throwing about demands that I should sleep with him 'one last time'. I told him no but he kept on persisting. Eventually he left and started texting me all sorts of abuse and telling me that I had 'missed my chance' with him.

VoiceofUnreason Mon 16-Sep-13 12:46:43

KnockMe - ssssh, she is a he, but don't tell anyone!

OP - so what are you going to do about all this?

AnyFucker Mon 16-Sep-13 12:52:59

Soopa, I think you need to tell your new BF to take away the power your ex is holding over you

Then let him make the decision about whether to stay with someone who sleeps with her ex after a few drinks.

Dahlen Mon 16-Sep-13 12:58:51

OP I think you need to take a long, hard look at your readiness to be in another relationship TBH.

If you were with your XP for 4 years and he was EA throughout most of that, your boundaries will have been shot to hell. Getting you to sleep with him after you broke up and when he knew you were in a relationship with someone else, is a natural extension of his control over you (abuse is always about power and control, not anger) and a definite attempt to reassert it, evidenced by the fact he used alcohol to weaken your already low defences and is now threatening to tell.

It's not surprising that you succumbed. It's very common for women in you situation. Don't beat yourself up about that. It just shows you are not free from his abuse yet.

However, regardless of your motives, you now have a DP who has been cheated on. From his POV, the motives are irrelevant because the the end result is the same. sad If you genuinely care for him, you have to tell him because he deserves to have the informed choice. Also, telling him removes your XP's power over you. If you are lucky, he may understand what happened, but equally he may not.

You are not a bad person. Most cheaters aren't. They are just people with poor impulse control, poor boundaries or little self awareness. Their behaviour can be very selfish, but it doesn't necessarily follow that they are thoroughly selfish people through and through. I don't think you are. I think you are a woman who ability to maintain her boundaries is damaged. You put up with abuse for a long time. sad

In your shoes, I would be tempted to have a period of being single, during which you could get some counselling or learn more about how abusive relationships work. You need to re-establish your inner core and ironically be a bit more selfish when it comes to being assertive and saying "no" when someone puts you in an uncomfortable position. You can do that with a new partner - assuming he's supportive - but it's much easier as a single person.

I hope you manage to do the right thing for all concerned.

FantasticDay Mon 16-Sep-13 13:02:30

I think people are giving you a hard time here. We've all done things we aren't very proud of - and it wasn't like you went out drinking with him. He turned up when you were vulnerable and drunk! And after he's been EAing you for a number of years, that could be very vulnerable indeed. What you did was in no way as bad as your ex's attempt to blackmail you into sex! It does sound like your ex will tell your partner, so it might be as well to explain first. I hope he understands and it all works out for you.

ModeratelyObvious Mon 16-Sep-13 13:03:25

OP, please block your ex on Facebook.

Ezio Mon 16-Sep-13 13:07:30

I think should explain it all too your DP and let him make the choice, he might understand and be willing to work through, but you have to give him that choice.

Madlizzy Mon 16-Sep-13 13:11:29

You're still being controlled and coerced by your ex and he still thinks he has a lot of power over you, which you now need to take back. I agree that you do need to tell your new man what happened at the beginning of the relationship, and also tell him that your ex will do his utmost to sabotage it. You need to block your ex from facebook, twitter or wherever else you may be linked to him and keep contact between the two of you via email only and all conversations are to do with your child only. I also agree that you could do with some counselling to help you heal from the abusive relationship you have with your ex. I wish you well.

MissStrawberry Mon 16-Sep-13 13:12:25

FantasticDay - she has made it worse by not telling him so has been living a lie for the last few months.

OP if you love your boyfriend as much as you say you do then show him some respect and tell him. You lost the right to decide if this relationship should continue when you fucked your ex.

Capitaltrixie Mon 16-Sep-13 13:17:24

What Dahlen said. You won't get anywhere by beating yourself up (and I do feel for you having been in a EA relationship boundaries and low self-worth, damn I made some crap choices!) but it's now time to free yourself from the 'abusive hold' your ex has over you and get your self-esteem where it should be.
And also time do the right thing by your new lovely P.

practicality Mon 16-Sep-13 13:23:01

Would your new man believe your ex? Does the ex have any evidence?

ALittleStranger Mon 16-Sep-13 13:29:55

I think it would be a very bad idea for the OP to try and lie and bluff her way out if her ex does tell her new DP.

OP the problem is you've given your abusive ex a heck load of power over you at the moment. You need to remove that, even though it will involve something unpleasant.

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