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I've joined the merry throng

(207 Posts)
Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 00:05:40

It's complicated. But also very simple. DH has been unfaithful. Still an ongoing EA but now I've discovered it
I've NC. We have 3 kids
Bloody hell

ModeratelyObvious Sat 14-Sep-13 00:09:05

How are you doing?

tightfortime Sat 14-Sep-13 00:10:31

Asshole. Pure and simple.

What do you want to do now?

Fairenuff Sat 14-Sep-13 00:17:51

Sorry to hear that. How long has it been going on?

FetchezLaVache Sat 14-Sep-13 00:18:35

Sorry to hear this. Have you confronted him?

Are you OK?

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 00:19:07

Shit I look like a bloody troll
I'm really not

I know her. I had suspicions that she had her eye on him nearly 2 years ago. They've been meeting regularly as "friends" I wasn't intentionally snooping but found texts. He's admitted it.
We've had a real distance between us over a while and she moved into that. He allowed her to. He's the one I'm angry with. He's been weak
We've actually been getting on much better recently.
I want our family to be together. I want to bloody kill him

ModeratelyObvious Sat 14-Sep-13 00:27:00

You don't look like a troll OP.

Has he admitted everything now, do you think?

Fairenuff Sat 14-Sep-13 00:28:12

There may be more to this. If they've been meeting, they may well have been sleeping together too. Sorry to bring this up but you would be wise to have an STI check.

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 00:33:13

I think so tbh
The background is I work stupid hours. The DCs are 15,12 and 3. The 3 year sleeps between us. Sex is rare due to that. He had a serious breakdown 7 years ago and hasn't worked since. He was getting better but I was under ridiculous pressure at the start of the year and there really was no us. He felt emasculated by that. The EA has been on and off for a while. They had sex in the spring. He says once. He had a breakdown again in the immediate aftermath.
He wants me and not her but had been seeing her as friends. She's married too. It's a mess
I'm numb and angry and very measured
I know there's no easy path right now
I'm most furious that apart from MN where do I go with this?

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 00:34:25

I've already asked him re STI. The bastard did not use a condom
A job for Monday. Cunt

Fairenuff Sat 14-Sep-13 00:41:26

Did you find out about it in the spring or just now?

FrancescaBell Sat 14-Sep-13 00:42:42

It's deeply unlikely it was just the once, so probably safest to assume it's been a regular sexual affair for longer than you've been told.

If he's lying about that, he's also probably lying about the dates.

You might find that the affair caused the distance between you and not the other way around, hence the need to lie about the dates.

If you had suspicions 2 years ago about her, I'd start from around that time and work forward.

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 00:51:41

Found out tonight
I think the distance was worsened by her but multifactorial. We haven't been a we for a long time.
I don't believe it was just the once. But we have been getting on much better recently. Yet he was texting her and calling her his best friend and beautiful yesterday morning. While I was at work and between work doing something really major for him.

Fairenuff Sat 14-Sep-13 00:54:45

Oh that's shit, so sorry. He is still having the affair. Tell him to leave so that you have some time and space to decide what you want to do.

FrancescaBell Sat 14-Sep-13 00:59:09

You've got a 3 year old so for most couples, the first year of a child's life is a bit of a blur and there's not enough 'we time'. Just as you were coming out of that fog, this woman appeared.

Unless you're going to say that your marriage was awful before you had your latest child, I think you might be looking for reasons that just aren't there. That's understandable, because in your shock it's probably helping to think that you could have controlled this and stopped it happening if you'd put your mind to it.

But the scary thing is that you couldn't.

Fairenuff Sat 14-Sep-13 01:01:35

None of this is your fault OP. Even if your marriage was completely at rock bottom, he didn't have to cheat did he. Do not accept any blame. He is 100% responsible for cheating.

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 01:16:07

There were issues. He's crap at facing things. I've had so much to deal with with work and our youngest that I have taken the eye off the ball. I became aware of that and we started looking at how we could do better as a team. He said he has realised that its me he wants. Bit bloody late.
The challenges were real but he's been pathetic and weak to go elsewhere
No excuses

FrancescaBell Sat 14-Sep-13 01:22:55

How long does his phone company keep his bills for?

That might tell you how long this has been going on for. A work colleague's husband told her his affair had been going on for 3 months, but when she got access to his bills online she found they kept them for two years. The texts to the OW were just as prolific 2 years before as they were up to the day she found out. She was never able to prove how long it had been going on for.

Her husband wanted her more than the OW, but she didn't want him anymore. It was the lying afterwards that killed any chance of rescue stone dead.

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 01:35:17

His phone is unlimited texts so not sure that'd be recorded anywhere. He's deleted all texts obviously. Can they be retrieved?

FrancescaBell Sat 14-Sep-13 01:39:37

I also have unlimited texts but I can get my bills itemised and need to for business purposes. Don't think a deleted text can be retrieved but have never tried to tbh. Colleague found an old bill with his account number on it and registered him for online banking. She had access to 2 years of itemised bills.

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 01:48:35

I will have a look at his phone tomorrow.
I texted her and told her to back off or I'd tell her husband
He says he won't see her again
Like that makes a difference now
I've read before about this stuff. Really didn't think this would be us
Yes I am that cliche

I want us to make a go of it but I don't see how that could be.
Actually I'm too numb to know what I want
Him to have not fucked another woman, basically.
He now admits it was about 5 times. Yeah, whatever

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 02:51:32

He's asleep
I feel like I will never sleep again
I've been so supportive to him since he came out of hospital in the summer. I have landed colleagues in the shit by taking a lot of time off work to help him through. He has admitted during that time when I was absent from work and I was doing fucking everything for him he went out for a swim for some space and he actually went to hers and fucked her
What a twat
Seriously what was he thinking? He's now worried about the impact on the kids - our dd1 would not handle this well. But bloody late to be thinking about her now
TMI alert - And I think I do have an STI. I've had discharge for the last couple of months. I put it down to having put on weight and being sweaty and contraception or something. Think it's possibly trichomoniasis

GreetingsFrontBottom Sat 14-Sep-13 03:00:20

Clichecliche, so sorry you are going through this. I don't care how depressed someone is, there is no excuse to go and sleep with someone else.

I guess the good thing is that it sounds like you are very independent, so would be in a good position if you decided to divorce him.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 14-Sep-13 06:50:52

Op, sorry you're going through this. From experience, all I can add is that you MUST not make any decisions yet. If possible ask him to leave so that you can have space to think it all through. Even if you want to make a go of it, he needs to leave to know how serious this is.

Think you should tell someone in RL that you trust x

Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 06:51:18

Maybe that will be the upshot
But we are skint
We need to downsize our family home and sort out our finances. He has to engage with that.
I'm terrified as primary day time carer of our dd2 he'd get primary custody so I will keep my powder dry
If he means what he says about doing anything then he can the house sorted and ready for sale. He can get himself more sorted and into paid work.
Then if we can't reconcile I will be strong enough and sorted enough to be able to getting fucking rid. That's my plan unless we can reconcile and I can't see him having the balls tbh. He's a coward. That's why he fucked her.

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