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Not sure where to put this but exH is in intensive care, I feel numb!

(101 Posts)

I spoke to exMIL tonight as exH has tried to kill himself by setting his car on fire whilst sat inside. I'm sat here not really knowing what to do or think really.

I had another thread on here recently about him, I never thought he would do this.

He has been put into a coma but his mum says he is in a bad way. We have a 5 and 3 year old plus my 11 year old DD. What do I tell them?

I feel like shit! I should have made him get help! He drank up to 20 pints a day how could they have not thought this would end badly!

I have known him since I was 18, that's nearly half my life!


onepieceoflollipop Thu 05-Sep-13 21:18:48

You must be in shock. Don't blame yourself saying you should have made him get help. It was not your responsibility.
Hope you have some rl support at this worrying time.
I have no real advice, I would be inclined to consider telling your oldest dd the truth, but gently.
I haven't seen your other thread, but regardless of how and why he is your ex, as you say he was a big part of your life so it is bound to be distressing for you to hear this news.

FriedSprout Thu 05-Sep-13 21:20:37

Sweetheart, so sorry to hear this, you must be going out of your mind. No idea of your back story, but for what it's worth I wouldn't say anything to any of the children until you have more information ie clearer idea what is happening.

Leave it until the morning and phone the hospital or his mum, you will then have a better idea of what to tell the children. Think an accident in a car would suffice for the younger ones, not sure about the 11 year old. Sorry not much help but sat here sending your hugs.

cloudskitchen Thu 05-Sep-13 21:21:44

So sorry to read this. What a bloody awful situation. I think to the younger two "Daddys poorly in hospital" will hopefully suffice unless there's anything more to tell. Your 11 year old, if anything like mine, will be much more aware and take more careful handling. I would give a little info and then be guided by her questions. Good luck. Awful news sad

Boomba Thu 05-Sep-13 21:23:32

you couldn't make him get help. This is not your fault

zeprocrastinator Thu 05-Sep-13 21:30:13

Oh god, how awful - awful for you, for your poor daughters, for him and his family sad I have nothing useful to say at all, except it's not your fault. Wish you lots of strength in the days and weeks ahead.

NothingsLeft Thu 05-Sep-13 22:15:25

You poor thing. What a horrible thing to go through.

It is in no way your fault, please remember that. Alcoholism is a terrible thing. Nobody can seek help for an alcoholic, the have to do themselves. I'm sure you have gone all you can and more over the years.

Hope he pulls though thanks

TiredDog Thu 05-Sep-13 22:18:06

You would not have been able to help. It's not your fault so please stop thinking that way. What shocking awful news for you
Have you got support?

Thank you for your replies. I have a couple of friends on the end of the phone but my parents are on holiday and no partner or anything.

I will wait until I hear what the outcome is before deciding what to say to the girls. They only see him on Mondays and with being back at school I might have a bit of time to figure it out. I have spoken about him quite a lot to the parent support advisor so will ask for her opinion on how to handle it.

I think he tried to slit his own throat a couple of weeks ago but seemed ok when I saw him on Tuesday. He has a rape allegation against him at the moment but he seemed quite positive and has been seeing the girls for over 2 months which is so much better than it has been for a long time.

He did it because his ex wouldn't give him his stuff back!

Wellwobbly Fri 06-Sep-13 09:01:16

3, huge sympathies.

There are three Cs in life:

you did not cause this
you cannot control this
you cannot cure this.

He has chosen to run from life. These are all consequences of his choices.

Can I recommend al anon for support for the families of alcoholics. It teaches you to focus on you, to have detachment, and to let go with serenity.

You loved this tormented man and you can still carry on loving him, whilst you sit back and allow him to deal with his consequences.

There was never anything you could do for him, 3. You couldn't love him better, help him better, change him better. That is between him and his soul.
Learn to focus on protecting you, and you will be saner, safer and more powerful in life. Good luck.

Thank you.

It is on the local newspaper website with a picture of his car, from what I have read and heard from friends it sounds really horrific.

His friend doesn't think his chances of survival are very good, it's just waiting now.

springytufty Fri 06-Sep-13 21:22:03

You're bound to feel very complex emotions. But you didn't do this, he did. You wouldn't have been able to do anything to prevent it.

I have been in a similar position and you do feel a lot of guilt initially.

LEMisdisappointed Fri 06-Sep-13 21:31:31

This is not your fault, he sounded very unwell sad I hope he finds peace x

I was speaking to him a couple of weeks ago and he said that he wanted to end it. I told him that in a couple of weeks he would be back to his normal self again. He just said I know but I don't want to feel like this anymore.

He has had a lot of issues for a long time and was very up and down with his emotions. He went through phases where he would drink for days and not eat a single thing, those phases were becoming more frequent as he got older, even on a good day he would eat less than a small child!

I should have listened to him, maybe he would still be well if he had somebody to talk to who he trusted. I tried telling him that the alcohol wasn't any good for him but he wouldn't listen.

Thank you for your replies

cloudskitchen Fri 06-Sep-13 22:51:16

Please don't blame yourself. When someone has that illness they have to want to change. It has to come from them. Nothing you could have said or done would have made any difference. I'm so sorry you are going through this. The waiting for news must be just dreadful. I'm thinking of you thanks

LEMisdisappointed Fri 06-Sep-13 22:54:28

He sounded so desperately unhappy and unwell, nothing you could have said would have changed the outcome - its not your faullt!

He was very unwell. It is very sad and his parents will be devastated! He wasn't always the nicest person but he would help anyone who needed it.

DD3 isn't going to have a clue as she is only just 3 but DD1 and DD2 will be very upset, what do you say to a 5 and 3 year old?!

He was nearly 40 years old and has got pretty much nothing to show for his life! He has our 2 DC but could only put them first for 7 hours a week, the rest of the time alcohol took priority, at one point he was drinking 20 pints every day!

Thank you for the replies and you are right, the waiting is awful!

ExH passed away tonight with his parents by his side. Thank you for your replies.

SirRaymondClench Sat 07-Sep-13 01:02:27

I'm so sorry to hear that Three.
Sending you and your DDs a huge hug

onlyfortonight Sat 07-Sep-13 01:08:37

I am so sorry for you and your DDs.

There is nothing I can really say to comfort you, but to reassure you that this was not your fault. You described him on here with love and compassion, despite the tough times you must have faced. And he has left a good mark on this world - your beautiful DDs - that is all any of us can hope to achieve.

Alcholism is a terrible disease... What a waste...

Hold your girls close tonight... My thoughts are with you and the rest of his family thanks

notanyanymore Sat 07-Sep-13 01:11:38

I'm so sorry for you all x

Selks Sat 07-Sep-13 01:18:52

That's very sad.

Thinking of you and your DDs. I feel for his parents too.

Please don't blame yourself. You did your best and you were not responsible for him.

Winstons Wish has lots of helpful resources for supporting children through bereavement.

CosmicForce Sat 07-Sep-13 01:24:11

So sorry for you and your DD's xx

NatashaBee Sat 07-Sep-13 01:33:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Silver15 Sat 07-Sep-13 01:35:03

Sorry to hear about yo loss.

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