Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DH wearing more than just womens underwear, I don't like it. Don't know what to do now.(77 Posts)
When me and DH got together, after a while I suspected he liked wearing womens underwear as he kept trying mine on 'for a joke' in front of me. Anyway, he finally admitted that he likes it and at first I wasn't overly bothered, or maybe I thought I wasn't, I don't know now tbh.
After a while he started buying himself some and wearing on occasion at night. Then it was every night. I would frequently see him lean forwards with some lacy/silky/red or blatantly womens underwear on. It became a bit of a turn off tbh.
I do the washing and I noticed more and more womens underwear. He seems to be buying new stuff all the time, he now must have between 30-50 pairs, I haven't looked that closely but it is a lot, more than his normal underwear and far more than I have. He says he likes the feeling of the silk etc but there are thongs (which can't be a comfort thing as they are not comfortable) and lacey ones. I get more and more annoyed by it and I have hinted heavily as much, he knows it bugs me but he never mentions it and carries on buying them. When I say he has been buying more, he just denies it, even though as I do the washing, its obvious when more new ones crop up. The other day I was on his phone (with his consent) and when I went back a couple of pages too far, it came up with the Tesco website, where he had been looking at more womens underwear.
Anyway, just now I was putting something away in his wardrobe when I saw a bag scrunched up at the back and it was all tied up. I opened it and in there is 2 womens lacey body suits, one with a bra type top. They clearly aren't for me as the bra size is all wrong and they are far too big for my body. I don't know when he would ever wear this, I am always around. On the odd occasion I am out, then the kids are here. There is the odd time I go out of an evening but this is not frequent.
I don't like this. I didn't really like the underwear, it didn't matter quite so much when it was 1 or 2 pairs and he kept it hidden more, but then he didn't bother to hide it, bought more and more even though he knows I don't like it and now this. I don't think he wants to dress as a woman. I have asked him before and he said no and I do believe him.
I don't really know what to do now.
I don't really have any advice but bumping helpfully. You sound very nice and kind. I am sure there will be people who know more about this sort of situation.
He clearly has a strong compulsion to wear women's underwear. I think you need to talk to him properly about this.
One thing I think men find attractive about women's underwear/clothing is that, in general, it is more overtly sexual than men's stuff. The emphasis is on the boobs, hips, legs etc and perhaps he finds the way female clothing is so sexualised appealing.
If I'm honest, it would bother me a lot too. Not so much the desire to wear the underwear but the fact that it seems to have become an addition/compulsion. Buying lots and lots of clothing, hiding it from you and wearing it when he knows it bothers you - that is similar, in my opinion (and I speak from experience) to an alcoholic buying booze, hiding it, secretly drinking etc.
The addiction/compulsion thing is interesting.
I don't understand why he needs soooo much. If he likes the felling of it, then that's his prerogative even if I'm not keen, I just don't get why there has to be so much. There is no other reason other than some addiction actually.
I am going to have to confront it. I can't ignore it anymore. At the moment the bag has been so blatantly moved in his wardrobe that its obvious I have found it. I want to see if he says anything. Knowing him, he will move it and hope that I don't mention it. He NEVER says anything about anything. Yesterday he hadn't been feeling well the previous day but as he went to work, I thought he was ok so I done tea for when he got home, as usual. He then said he didn't want any as he still felt ill. I was annoyed and asked him why didn't he text me and tell me so I wouldn't cook it. He just didn't answer and walked out of the kitchen. Usual response when he doesn't want to answer something. I can't see him responding to the fact that I found it. When I bring it up about the underwear, he just walks off and says nothing.
I couldn't and wouldn't be with a man that was doing this, good on you for being able to, it would be a total turn off for me in every way.
What's wrong with silk boxers - he could be keeping anything from you so ensure he sits down with you and explains, don't let him walk away.
Honestly, our sex life is shit. I just don't want it. I'm fairly sure I would want it with someone else. I'm just not keen on having it with him and I'm sure this all started when the underwear thing came about and started getting more and more. I have told him before that its not exactly a turn on and he just said "you didn't have a problem at first" I didn't really have answer to that.
He also likes us to have sex when he's wearing it (or has been). I would often 'feel' and there it was, the womens underwear.
It would be a deal breaker for me. Some woman don't mind but I'm certainly not one of them.
Maybe remove the bag and add his knickers to it and put in a different place until he brings it up. It might force a conversation.
Eugh, how can he expect you just to accept this, selfish git.
You're not into him and the sex is shit, why are you with him?
Plenty of couples would be fine with this.
I think the lack of communication is the key factor here. The fact that there's so much pretending and denial and perhaps shame is the damaging thing.
If it's not something you can live with, then maybe you need to reconsider your relationship.
However, if he has a compulsion to wear women's underwear, it doesn't make him a selfish git it's who he is. And I would guess that if he's buying 50 pairs of knickers and now expanding his range, he feels as though he can finally fulfill his own needs, rather than doing it for casual kicks.
But both partners have to be comfortable with it
The bag thing is a little worrying - do you think he is engaging in something outside of the house?
Have to say, I wouldn't like this either and would also find it a turn-off.
It sounds to me as if he's too much into it to change. And it's unfair for him to say that you were OK with it at first. You have a limit. Just because you were OK with it once doesn't mean that you are OK with it all the time. He's not taking your needs into consideration, your need to be turned on. He's being selfish.
I know that if this were me, I'd have to put an end to the relationship if he wouldn't stop.
This may be jumping the gun but you might want to google Beaumont Society and the associated support group Women Beaumont Society.
Beamont Soc is for tansvestites / transsexuals etc. and obviously the women's support group is for their partners.
I don't have personal experience of this but when I trained as a counsellor I was introduced to this group and they were very friendly and offer good support. They could be the place to start? I can't link sorry as on my phone.
Good luck OP. I'd find this tough to deal with too.
It's women of the Beaumont society org I think ....
Lordy op, it's really difficult. My first serious boyfriend turned out to be a transvestite. He kept it secret from me for over three years. After he told me, it was a relief to know what was going on but it was very clear that he was absolutely compelled to dress as a women. It wasn't something he could shake off, he could not choose to not have that urge. Possibly he could have chosen to continue to hide it, keep it secret, but it was tearing him apart. As soon as his secret was out to me, his dressing up escalated. It was like he'd been given permission to go further. And it was horrible. A total turn off sexually.
I think you really need to have an honest discussion with yourself first. What are you prepared to accept, can you live with some degree of it? And then talk with your oh. If he needs or intends to take his own compulsion to greater lengths, are you comfortable with that? I wasn't. When he started asking me to help him do his make up, and spending his money on visiting places where he could dress up fully and get his wig done etc, it was the end for me.
Why does it bother you?
I understand not liking it during sex. But maybe you could reach an agreement with him not to wear it then, if he felt free to do it at other times.
I would throw it in the bin or burn it, that would make him sing like a canary.
I think you are marvellous for putting up with this for as long as you have and clearly love him, it must be really hard for you.
He is being selfish though and you both need to talk about this.
My friend was in your situation - her dh would not have called himself a transvestite, he just enjoyed the feeling of wearing woman's underwear, and eventually he could not become aroused without it.
My friend went to see a counsellor to get some support for herself. She was very clear with her husband that she did not like it, and that she was going for counselling. The counsellor helped her to think through what she found acceptable and unacceptable, and also the positives about their relationship as well as the difficulties.
As a result my friend decided that on balance their relationship was worth staying for, but she also set some very strong boundaries. e.g. her dh was never to wear her underwear; she also did not want to see any evidence so her dh had to keep his underwear hidden and wash / dry / put it all away himself (she would not do it, and she didn't want to see it in the wash basket); he was not to wear it while they were together etc.
Obviously you will have your own tolerances, and will make your decision. I have known about my friend's dh for about 15 years (and he was wearing woman's underwear for many years before this), and I now see my friend and her dh closer than they have been, and my friend is very glad that she made the decision to stay. Although she says if her dh had crossed any of the boundaries she would have left.
AFD: What makes him a selfish git is not talking to his partner and hiding things in the back of a wardrobe, he is not considering her in any of it by the sounds of things.
Thanks for your replies.
He did exactly what I knew he would, and said nothing. I left and left it, thinking that maybe he would in a minute. It got to the point where I got fed up so when he was watching tv and just sat there and looked at him. He looked at me, in a guilty way and said "what" I just raised my eyebrows and said that I wasn't the one who had something to say.
He knew, obviously. He just said "well you found my bag" and I said yes. He looked upset and ashamed. I told him that it was way too far, as I wasn't happy with the other stuff as it was, but he had chosen to ignore that anyway.
He said he would just get rid of it and I said its that simple then? I asked him about it being an addiction because there is clearly no need to have that much, he did admit that it could be. I said how can you just stop then and he said he will just have to. I told him that if he doesn't get rid of it or if I find anything like that again then we are done. He knows I mean it. I told him that anytime he felt compelled to buy anything to ask himself whats more important, that or me and the kids. He wouldn't want to lose us, I know that. We are his life and he would be broken without us. I asked him if it went any further than that and he said no, its just the underwear, its a turn on for him which has replaced the lack on intimacy in our relationship. I get that, I really do. A lot of our sex life issues are mine and I know that, I kind of bury my head in the sand about it. I do worry now though that if he has to do without his 'thing' that is a replacement for anything else (and our sex life issues are going to be hard to sort out) then what else could happen or replace it.
He said the stuff I found was just underwear and I said its not, its more than that, women don't wear that stuff on a day to day basis. I asked him if he would wear stockings and that and he actually stopped and thought about it, he said no and I said why not then because that's just underwear as well. I believe he doesn't want to dress as a woman but he did hesitate at first about the stockings. I don't know whether that is just because he was thinking about it.
I asked him when he had worse these things and he said when I went away for the weekend with my friends, so I said you bought it for when I was going away then, but he said he had had it for 10 years, which I found very very hard to take actually. It did cross my mind then and there to end it but that seemed an overreaction just because he had had it for years and only worn it once or twice.
When I found it and thought about leaving, I did realise that I don't want us to split. He is a good husband and a brilliant dad. I am amazed when people I know say about the things he does because to me its normal but no one else's DH seems to do the same sort of hands on dad stuff and husband stuff, although he isn't perfect obviously. I also have a long term illness that he is very understanding about. I can't see many people being as good as he is about it.
Wow that's long!!
Ok, so it's a turn-off but it doesn't actually change him as a person. He's still all the good things you think about him, it's just he has a quirk that you didn't know about. The reason men don't tell us these things is because they think we will react badly - and we do, don't we?
I think if it's something you feel you are unable to accept then you should probably think about leaving. It is unlikely that he is able to change this part about himself. If you think you can accept it then you may be able to set some boundaries that both of you find acceptable but you won't be able to stop him doing it.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.